Love and War
by liragreen
Summary: After Edward first brings up the idea of marriage, Bella believes she's made up her mind. But her relationship with Jacob hasn't reached its zenith or breaking point yet. And until it does, she can't be sure of what her heart really wants.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: The interactions between Bella and Jacob were some of my favorite scenes, and I've always wished there were more. This story plays on the idea that perhaps, if there had been more, Bella would have made a different choice.

This story takes place after New Moon, shortly after Edward has first brought up to Bella the idea of marriage. She believes she's made up her mind, but her relationship with Jacob hasn't reached its zenith or breaking point yet. And until it does, she can't be sure of what her heart really wants.

**Parings: Edward & Bella / Jacob & Bella**

**Rating: T**

**After New Moon**

**Disclaimer:**_  
>The following is based on the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. All recognizable andor trademarked elements, including, but not limited to, characters, settings, events, plot points, dialogue, etc., are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended. _

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_I'd lied. When he asked me if I could ever love him, I told him no. _

_And it was a total and complete lie._

_But not because I never could love him. It's that I already do. I'm just too stubborn and scared to tell him._

_I can't marry Edward. I'm in love with Jacob._

**. . . . .**

I was sitting next to Edward in Family and Consumer Education, cramming for next period's chemistry test. He pushed his elbow gently into my ribs and I popped up my head, pretending to pay attention as Mr. Demsky looked over at us.

"This is a major portion of your grade, so you'll want to read every page in the packet," he shuffled the pages and handed out a small clump of multi-colored packets to the front person in every row. "The weekly logs you'll need to fill out are the golden pieces of paper. The blue piece is the form you need to return to me before you leave class today. It will tell me the name of your partner, if you choose one, and a few basic facts about your new baby."

"Huh?" I looked to Edward, who had been listening to the whole speech.

"Flour sack babies," he gave me a sideways smile and took a packet from Angela, who sat in front of him, and one from the girl in front of me and set it on my desk.

"Ugggh!" I groaned and dug my palms into my eyes. Just what I needed—a ridiculous, time consuming project. This was getting stupid. "What is this supposed to teach us anyway?" I complained. "Do they really think having to carry around a flour sack for three weeks is going to keep anyone from getting pregnant? Besides, I'm trying to get into college here, not prepare to open a bakery-slash-childcare center."

Edward laughed at my grumbling and pulled out the blue sheet we had to fill out so he could follow along with Mr. Demsky's instructions.

"Now, you can pick a partner or choose to be a single parent. Either way, you'll see the duties on the back of the yellow log paper. That will make it fair no matter if you have your own baby or split it with another person."

"Can three of us share a baby?" Someone in the front row spoke up and several other students laughed, spurring him on. "I mean, maybe it's my religious belief to have two wives."

"Or two husbands," Jessica giggled and looked around for approval. The girl behind her gave her a high-five.

"Or how about two girls or two guys partnering up?" Mike added, a little too proud of himself. Edward snorted at his comment, and I shook my head. _Way to play into the rumor mill, Mike._

"Ok, guys. Enough," Mr. Demsky threw up his hands. "You can either be a single parent or pick one other partner of either sex. I'm not making a social commentary here, but groups of more than two will split up the responsibilities too much for the purpose of this assignment. In any case, it's very important to pick a responsible partner, if you choose a partner. If either of you injure or lose your baby, you fail the project and that will be _very_ bad for your final grade."

He continued with the directions while Edward and I looked over the paper we had to hand in.

"Will you share my baby, Bella Swan?" He took my hand like it was a proposal, his eyes shining with laughter.

"Um… sure. I figured that was a given," I pushed the blue paper toward him, still too annoyed to be amused.

"So, baby's sex, birth date and name," he raised his eyebrows and looked at me.

"You're leaving this up to me?" I shook my head. "How about… a boy. Birth date today to make it easy, and…" I was stumped as to a name. _Edward Jacob_ popped into my head, but I didn't dare say it out loud. I wasn't sure Edward would approve. "Masen?"

Edward tilted his head and smiled softly, then filled in the paper with his perfect script. It was flawless, like him. I looked at the sharp line of his jaw, the curve of his chin, the fullness of his bottom lip. I sighed and shut my chemistry book. I'd rather study him than compounds any day.

**. . . . .**

Edward knocked on the door and Charlie answered it before I could get there.

"Bella." He called me and the unenthusiasm in his voice was practically toxic.

I met him midway between the stairs and the front door. "Be nice," I warned, sternly. "I told you this was for a school project." I poked his stomach gently and shook my head. You'd think he'd forgive and forget already. It bothered me that I couldn't explain to him why Edward had left in the first place. It was all for me—he'd wanted to do what was best for me, however misguided the attempt. I knew that would endear him to Charlie, but how could I explain that without giving away the Cullens' secret?

Edward tentatively crossed the threshold, as if he expected Charlie to come back swinging. He carried a plastic grocery bag in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other.

"Edward! You didn't have to do that!" I beamed and took the flowers from him, hugging him slightly sideways so I didn't crush the fragile blooms.

"I saw them by the checkout and couldn't resist. It's so dreary outside, I thought it would cheer up the kitchen. Or your room," he added quickly, catching Charlie's death-stare.

"He might put them down the garbage disposal if you leave them unattended in the kitchen…" he whispered. I giggled and shoved him playfully as I pushed past him into the kitchen and dug in a cabinet for a vase.

After arranging the flowers, I took the flour sack out of the plastic bag. "Aw, it's a boy!" I cooed sarcastically and tossed it to Edward, who caught it easily despite being turned the other direction when I launched it at him.

"Are you throwing my son?" He cradled the bag protectively and tried to look incredulous at my actions, but the whole conversation was so ridiculous that it sent me into a fit of laughter.

"I'm totally going to kill this thing," I poked at it. "I'll probably drop it on the floor and spill its little floury guts all over. You're going to fail this project because I'm an unfit mother."

Edward laughed at my threat and produced a roll of duct tape from behind his back. "That's why I brought this!"

He started the roll and had the entire flour sack carefully wrapped in an even layer of the silver tape before I could blink. "Now, if you drop it, it will be safe. Kind of our version of the Bubble Boy."

I shook my head in laughter and flopped into a chair. At least he knew what he was getting into.

We set our heavy silver creation on the table and poured over the directions. "So, one of us has to have it all times and we're supposed to alternate days and nights so we have it for equal stretches of time. And when we can't take care of it, we need to have a babysitter watch it for us." I looked up from the directions and passive-aggressively stabbed at the 'baby' with my pointer finger. "Wow. This is a little ridiculous."

I looked over at Edward. He wasn't paying attention. Instead, he was looking blankly out the window.

"Are you ok?" I set down the paper and leaned into him, bewildered by his sudden change of mood.

"Yes. This project is just making me think about our future. Well, more like your future and what you'll miss out on because of me." He didn't meet my eyes.

"What?" I was confused. "It's a flour-baby for a stupid school project."

"True, but it's also a reminder of what I can't give you. What you'll never be able to have if you decide to be with me." He looked at me now, his eyes full of sadness, his voice low.

"Edward. This is crazy. I've already decided to be with you. And I know what that means. I've chosen you over whatever other choices I could have made. Besides, if I really want a baby, I can just dress up a flour sack and dote on it." I tried to joke with him, but it seemed like everything I said was making it worse.

"No, Bella. I'm serious here." He reached for my hand, but I shook it off and pushed my chair back a bit.

"I can see that. Way too serious about something that isn't serious at all." I was a little taken aback at his shift in attitude.

"It _is_ serious, and I wish you would acknowledge that. You've always wanted children. A family," he softened his voice even more to Charlie wouldn't hear. "I can't give you a baby now, and once you're changed, you won't ever be able to have children. With anyone. Ever. And it's not like we can just adopt. Our lifestyle, who I am—who you will be—isn't too conducive to raising foster children or adopting human babies. At some point, they're going to figure out that Mommy and Daddy aren't exactly normal. This is a permanent decision you're making; one that has permanent ramifications."

His face was stone-serious and he slammed his fist down on the table a little too hard. It rattled the vase of flowers. I heard Charlie clear his throat in the other room.

I was stunned into silence. This was getting a little out of hand. We were having an actual argument. Over a ten-pound bag of flour, no less.

**. . . . .**

That night, I dreamt of children. Vampire children, human children, werewolf children. Children with white skin and topaz eyes, babies with pink skin and a shock of black hair, toddlers in overalls with scuffed up knees, little girls in white dresses, boys running and laughing and tumbling in the grass. Children that looked like me and Edward together. Children that looked like me and Jake. Together.

I woke up with a start, sweating profusely and with tears running down my face.

I looked over at the duct tape-covered troublemaker in the corner of my room and threw a pillow at it before flopping over onto my side and pulling my comforter over my head. _Stupid flour-sack monstrosity._

**. . . . .**


	2. Chapter 2

**. . . . .**

I lugged the bag of flour to my first, second and third classes. Edward hadn't picked me up and it seemed that he was skipping out on school, too. He usually told me when he planned to do that, and it irked me that he hadn't shown up after our weird fight-like discussion last night. I wanted to make it right, but I didn't know how. It was just too awkward. What else could I say? I had chosen him, had chosen this life with him, and everything that came along with that decision. If I couldn't have both him and a baby, I knew which one I wanted.

And it wasn't a ten-pound bundle that hurt my shoulders and weighed me down. I stared down at the hefty blob in my arms and sighed. This was going to be a long three weeks.

**. . . . .**

Jessica plunked down next to me at lunch, her flour sack baby strapped to her chest in a pink and chocolate brown Baby Bjorn. "Isn't this fun?" She giggled and poked at my flour baby, which was balanced on my lap.

"That's a word for it," I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Bella! Don't be a spoil-sport. Isn't this fun?" She squealed again and squirmed in her chair, as if being loud and overly-enthusiastic would change my mind.

"Yeah. Loads of fun." I shook my head and shifted the heavy bag because my legs were falling asleep. I sighed loudly. "Actually, it's kind of heavy and annoying."

She just looked at me, her eyebrows raised.

"I guess I'm just not that into it. I have so much on my plate, this isn't really good timing. Or something." I shrugged and put a bite of bagel into my mouth.

"So, are you a single parent?" Jessica looked around. I knew she was looking for Edward.

"No, Edward's the other half of… this," I waved my hand around, motioning to the bag on my lap. "I'm just not sure where he disappeared to today."

"Probably skipped town. You know how men are," Lauren snickered and plopped into the chair across the table from me. Then she looked up suddenly as the Cullens came through the door.

"Speak of the devil…" She scraped her chair back and picked up her tray. "I think I'll go sit over by Tyler. He might want help with Tyler Junior."

Edward, Jasper and Alice took her place, but the awkward atmosphere remained. Edward was sullen, Jasper wouldn't make eye contact with me and Alice looked concerned. Actually, she looked like she wanted to cry; her eyes nervously darting between Edward, me and Jasper. But she faked a smile and asked me if she could hold our 'baby.'

"Masen, meet your Auntie Alice," I handed it across the table with a smile, trying to lighten the mood. She giggled and reached for the heavy bag, taking it easily from my hands.

"Masen? That's cute! Maybe someday you'll… Oh." She clapped her hand over her mouth and looked at Edward.

His eyes shot up and glared into hers. Then he was gone, the door to the cafeteria slamming behind him. I hoped no one had seen him leave—his exit had been much too fast. Alice looked wide-eyed at Jasper, who glanced at me and then back to Alice. I just bit my lip and looked down at my tray. I wasn't hungry anymore.

**. . . . .**

Edward skipped our afternoon classes, too. But he was waiting for me outside by my truck after eighth period. I stopped on the steps of the school and stared at him. I contemplated turning back around and hiding out in the library, but I knew he'd outwait me. So I took a deep breath and shifted Masen on my hip before starting toward him, moving slower than the rest of our classmates, who were climbing into cars and onto bikes, making fast exits from school grounds.

I shoved my left hand into my pocket and fidgeted with the weight in my other arm. "I missed you this afternoon."

He didn't look up at me, just nodded soberly. "I came to take the project off of your hands. It's my turn."

I hefted it over to him and rubbed my upper arms after he'd taken it. It was heavy to start with, and seemed to gain a pound every hour. As sore as they were, I wanted to wrap my arms around him, but he didn't look like he was in any mood for hugging.

"Listen, Edward, I don't want this to be a fight. I just…"

"No. It's not a fight." He stepped forward and spoke into my eyes, intently. "I'd never fight with you. I just want you to weigh all of your options, to really think about this before you make a decision. You know I don't agree with what you want. This is just another thing that makes me doubt my ability to say no to you when it really matters. I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to stand up for what's really right for you."

My anger blazed. "You know, Edward, I'm getting really sick of you telling me what's right for me. I _know_ what's right for me. _You_ are right for me. You might be really, really old, but you're not my dad. So stop acting like it!" I stamped my foot, half expecting Edward to laugh at my childish display. He didn't.

He just looked at me, his eyes empty. "I need some time, Bella."

"Time?" The word squeaked out of me and I couldn't breathe.

He was going to leave me again. I couldn't face that reality. I started to hyperventilate. "How much… time? What _kind_ of time?"

"I don't know. But you need some time, too. Time to think. We both do." He was so quiet, I could barely hear him.

"So, we're taking a break. Over a bag of flour." I was incredulous, and my anger was overtaking my fear.

"It's not just a bag of flour, Bella. Don't you understand?" Edward spit the words through his teeth, his jaw clenched. His anger backed me up and I bumped into my truck, breathing heavily. "It's your future. Your destiny. Who you are versus who you want to be. Who you should be. I can't turn you until I'm sure you really understand what you're giving up to be with me."

I grabbed back the duct-taped bag in a fit of anger and flailed wildly, struggling to get into my truck. Edward reached for me and I turned on him.

"Just leave then! It's what you do best, anyway. Go away and give me time to think, if that's what you think I need. I'll think! Think about why I love you and why the hell I put up with you. Go! And… and leave the lecturing to Charlie. I'm sure he'll lay it on thick when he realizes you've left me again and he was right all along." I yelled, borderline hysterically, glad the parking lot was empty. I flung open the truck door, crawled onto the passenger seat and slammed the door behind me, locking it.

I heard Edward's car start up and peel out of the parking lot. In a rage, I grabbed the pen on my dashboard and attacked the flour sack, stabbing it over and over until flour spilled out and poured onto the seat, the floor, puffed into the air and covered me and the entire inside of my truck in fine white powder. I kept slashing at the bag with one hand, punching at it with the other, screaming in anger, my feet kicking at the floor and underside of the dashboard. How dare he treat me like a child? How dare he question my love for him, question whether or not we were meant to be because of a stupid school project? A stupid school project that brought up the one thing he couldn't give me.

I hiccuped and wiped the hot tears away from my face with a flour-smeared arm. My face was sticky—my tears and the flour had created a paste, and now it was everywhere. I felt stupid, and flour clung to my nose and mouth and throat. It choked me, and that made me cry harder. I slumped down into the seat, weeping angrily.

**. . . . .**

That's where Jacob found me. His light tapping on my window startled me, and at first I thought it was Edward, coming back to apologize. I was half-disappointed to see Jacob's face and half-glad it wasn't Edward's peering at me through the flour-dusted window.

I gulped and unlocked the door without moving from my balled-up position. He opened the door and stepped back.

"What the hell, Swan?" He started to laugh but stopped short when he saw my face, his smile disappearing. "Are you crying?"

I sniffed, but inhaled more flour and it made me choke. Jake reached into the truck and pulled me out. I couldn't meet his eyes. I knew I was a mess. Everything was a mess.

His hands dusted off my shoulders and back, and he blew into my hair. A fine white powder surrounded me and I sneezed. Jake's kind smile sparkled in the parking lot lights, and his hands paused on my arms. "What's going on, Bells?"

I started to cry again and nestled into his broad chest. He wrapped his arms around me and swayed us slowly back and forth.

When I finally backed away from him, I started giggling in spite of myself. His black tee-shirt was so smeared with clumps of wet flour and swirls of powder that it looked tie-dyed. Jake looked down and then looked at me, and a grin spread across his face.

"You're laughing at my _shirt_? You should see your whole _self_!" A throaty chuckle rose from his chest. "Let's get you home and cleaned up."

He opened the passenger door and tried to brush out some of the flour to little avail. He gave up and held the door for me, then shut it behind me and crawled into the driver's seat, took my hand and drove me home.

**. . . . .**


	3. Chapter 3

**. . . . .**

I'd half-expected Edward's proclamation of needing to take a break was an empty one, but he was serious. No more night-time visits to my room, no more lazy afternoons in our meadow, no more kiss-interrupted study sessions where I studied his fantastic face more than my boring books.

No more anything.

In fact, he'd had Carlisle call the office and tell them that he'd be out of school for a while due to some kind of illness. Or at least that's what Alice explained to me at lunch the Monday after my flour-caked fit of anger.

I'd gone home after the episode and wrapped a new bag of flour with duct tape and carried on with the assignment as a single parent, pretending that I hadn't brutally murdered my first baby with a pen and my fist in the front seat of my truck.

Jake had kidnapped my truck the night he'd dropped me off and detailed the inside for me. The next morning when I'd gone out with the dust buster, I flung open the door to find it sparkling and cleaner than it had ever been under my ownership. I stood in the driveway with the door open for a long time, staring into the shiny, clean-smelling interior, not sure if I wanted to smile or start crying again.

**. . . . .**

For two long weeks, there was no Edward. I dreamed of him a few times, and more than once I'd woken up with a start, sure he was standing in my room, watching me sleep. But I could never be sure it wasn't just my imagination. I kind of hoped it was. It wasn't fair for him to get to see me, watch me, without me getting to see him.

I floated through the days, immersing myself in homework and studying, just waiting for his return.

And then, just as suddenly as he was gone, Edward was back. Well, mostly back. There was a new hauntedness about his eyes that crept in from time to time, but I pushed back the feelings of sadness it brought up in me and pretended everything was back to normal. He gave no real signs that it wasn't.

So I plunged back into our relationship, convinced that I could convince him of how sure I was. How steady and well thought-out my plan was. That I knew my options, knew everything those options meant and didn't mean, and that I accepted every positive and negative that came along with my decision.

I was a big girl. I was ready to move forward with my life. With what I wanted my life to be—me and Edward, together forever.

**. . . . .**

He was standing by my locker, dressed in a black turtleneck sweater that made his skin look even paler and his hair even more spectacular. I felt my grin growing as I walked up the hall and into his arms.

"Good morning, love." He handed me a paper cup, the warmth of it contrasting with the cool brush of his hand. "Thought you might want some coffee."

I nodded and took a gulp from the cup, feeling the scalding liquid run down my throat. It singed my tongue, but I was freezing from my drive into school.

"Thank you—it's so cold out there." I inadvertently shivered as I said it, my teeth rattling together.

He laughed at my chattering response and rubbed his hands up and down briskly on my shoulders, but the gesture only made me colder. I handed him a stack of books from my locker and cradled the cup with both hands.

We took our seats, but the teacher was late. While the rest of our class threw wadded up balls of paper and raucously teased and talked, I awkwardly turned to Edward. He'd been back for a week, but we hadn't broached the subject, and I was feeling a different kind of distance between us, despite his amiable return. "So, we're good?"

He looked up at me and managed a small smile. I knew he didn't want to talk about it, but I knew there was less of a chance he'd walk away from the conversation if I cornered him like this. "Sure. Good." He nodded, but I was unconvinced. I felt colder than before.

"Really good? Or just kinda-good?" I didn't want to push it, but I needed some answers.

"Fine, Bella. Everything is fine. I just had to come up with some answers. A plan."

"A _plan_?" Somehow that turn of phrase made me more nervous than I had been before.

"Sorry, bad choice of words," he shook his head as if to brush off the subject, but it didn't allay my fears. "Like I said, I needed some time to really think about what I was doing. What we were doing. Thank you for giving me that space." He patted my arm and I knew it would be hard to press him further.

Just then, the teacher struggled through the doorway, a stack of books tucked under her arm. She called out for everyone to return to their seats and turn to page 377.

I turned in my chair and flipped open my textbook to whatever page it fell to.

"_A plan... What I was doing... What we were doing..."_ His choice of words and use of past-tense bothered me. Edward didn't ever choose words badly; he thought ten times faster than he spoke. I didn't know what to make of it. I peeked at him from the corner of my eye and saw he was looking out the window into the slightly swirling snow.

**. . . . .**


	4. Chapter 4

**. . . . .**

The phone rang and Alice's tinselly voice was on the other end. She was calling to tell me Edward's hunting trip was extended. Of course.

So, with nowhere else to go, I found myself driving toward La Push. I hadn't been there in weeks. Lately, my time had been taken up by Edward, school and more Edward, and I just hadn't found the time to see Jacob. But I suddenly had the strangest urge to see him. I knew he wasn't expecting me, but I was pretty sure I'd find him in his shop tinkering on some sort of vehicle.

I was right.

I'd parked, slammed my truck door and stood at the open shop door watching him. I finally walked up behind him and put my hands on his bare waist before he noticed I was there. My touch startled him, and he jumped up, whacking his head on the hood of the car he was buried under.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" I giggled and bit my lip, reaching for him as he rubbed the back of his head, grinning sheepishly.

"Cold hands there, Swan. Jeez!" He recovered quickly, pulling me into a crushing bear hug before I could catch my breath. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Oh, you know. Stuff…" I fidgeted and kicked at the ground. I had no excuses; I was just a bad friend.

"Ah, 'stuff.' But what kind of 'stuff' could be more important than the 'stuff' you're missing out on with your best friend?" He smiled cockeyed at me, and I was blasted with a wave of guilt. But Jake lightly cuffed my shoulder and handed me a grease-stained rag. "Here. Help me clean off these tools and then we can go do something else."

**. . . . .**

Jake uncomfortably held the door open for me. "Are you sure you want to hang out here? It's nothing special."

I shook my head at him. "It's fine. Your house is cozy, what are you being weird about?"

"I don't know, it's just not that nice. I wish I had somewhere great to take you."

I flopped down on his small, unmade bed. "This _is_ great. You're here, and that's what I'm here for."

Jake sat on the floor and I lay down on my stomach so we were eye-to-eye.

"So really, what have you been up to?" He settled back, kicking off his big brown boots.

"Nothing. Lots of homework and school stuff, that's about it. I've done nothing exciting in so long."

"That leech still keeping you busy to keep you away from me? He knows he'd be in trouble if I got to spend any quality time with you." Jake winked, but there was an edge of seriousness to his voice.

"He's not keeping me away from you." I rolled my eyes and flailed my arm toward him. "I just thought it would be better to make myself scarce. You know… because… well, you know…"

"Know what?" He leaned forward, confused.

I didn't want to get into it, so I redirected the conversation.

"Oh, I've heard the rumors, Jacob Black. Don't be coy." I leaned toward him, putting on my best disapproving face.

He wrinkled up his face and shook his head, not understanding.

"It's all over town, Jake. You can't keep a secret from me. Everyone's saying you and Leah Clearwater…" I stopped short and shrugged my shoulders suggestively. His face registered the implication.

"Oh, that's it, Swan!" Jake lunged forward with a playful growl, his knees on either side of me, pinning me to the bed, his huge hands tickling my waist. I shrieked and tried to wrestle free, but he was way too big for me to escape. I gasped for breath, tears welling in my eyes. He didn't let up, laughing along with me and finding ticklish spots I didn't know I had. I was lost in a tangle of sheets and blankets. Jake brought down a pillow lightly on my head. I pushed it away, giving him a chance at my exposed stomach when my tee-shirt peeled up a few inches, revealing more ground for him to attack. He didn't waste the opportunity.

"I'm… going to… pee!" I gasped, in between half-screams, kicking and flailing as best I could under his weight.

That stopped him, and he let go, moving backwards. Unbalanced and suddenly free, I slid off of the bed and landed in a pile at his knees. He was still laughing, and his face was red. I huffed under my mop of disheveled hair, pulling my shirt down and trying to catch my breath. He leaned forward, his hand moved a thick lock of hair from in front of my eyes and tucked it behind my right ear. I heard my breath rush out in a ragged sigh.

The air was instantly tense, thick. I blinked up at Jake and tried to ignore the tingling in my spine. He just smiled and settled back onto the floor, crossing his arms over his chest and looking a little too satisfied with himself.

**. . . . .**

"What did you do while I was gone?" Edward stared across the table at me while I picked through my lunch.

"Oh, you know. Homework." I wasn't sure I wanted to admit to having seen Jake. The way we'd left it had been just a little too awkward and I was afraid I'd blush or give it away if I said anything to Edward. The last thing I needed was an argument or to send him into a fit of the silent treatment.

"Did you see anyone?"

So he knew.

"Uh, yeah." I tried to make my answer nonchalant. "I went over to La Push on Sunday afternoon. I hadn't seen Jake in a while and thought it might be a good chance to do it. You know, since I'd gotten all my homework done early so I could hang out with you on Sunday night." I didn't mean it to sound passive-aggressive, but it had come out that way.

"Oh." Edward looked down at the table and nodded slowly, his bottom jaw jutting out slightly.

"He was working on his car, so we just chatted. I was only over there for a little bit…" I was lost as to what excuse to give. I didn't mention that the car repairs ended soon after I got there and we'd been chatting in his room. Or the tickle-fight incident. My cheeks flushed with the memory and I stuck a big bite of salad into my mouth.

"It's ok. I don't care if you were hanging out with him. I just wish you didn't feel like it was a secret you needed to keep." He looked put out and I didn't want to get into it.

I mumbled something through my mouthful of lettuce and waved my right hand. He redirected the conversation awkwardly and I saw Alice and Jasper come around the corner. Saved. Sort of.

Alice eyed me cautiously before waving hi. She was being standoffish lately, and I didn't know what to make of it. But sometimes Alice was strange—well, stranger than usual—so ignored it. If something was up, she'd tell me. After all, we were friends and we were going to be sisters forever. I waved at Jasper, too, but he wasn't looking in my direction.

I watched them gently shoving each other, pretending to fight over the single remaining chair at our table. I wondered what it would be like to be that happy with one person for the rest of eternity.

"Aren't you going to eat anything else?" Edward's voice interrupted my thoughts. He picked up my yogurt and pushed it toward me gently.

My frustration got the best of me and I shot back. "Please, Edward. Stop it. I feel like you're trying to make every decision for me lately."

Jasper suddenly stopped teasing Alice and stared at the floor, glowering.

"I'm not doing it." He spoke slowly and flatly. "I can't do this."

"Jasper, you know it's what's right." Edward spoke so quietly I could barely hear him.

Jasper's eyes flashed up to meet Edwards and his lips curled into a snarl. "Don't ask me to do it again."

We all turned and watched him stalk out of the cafeteria.

I turned to Edward. "What was that about?"

He looked over at Alice and shook his head, almost imperceptibly.

"Nothing. Jasper's just having a hard time being around you."

"Me?" I looked at Edward, then Alice. "Why me?"

"It's just that he's having a hard time… with control."

"Ok, seriously, Edward. What is going on here? Jasper's been fine around me for a really long time. Are you saying he's going to lose control around me again?"

"He is in control, he just doesn't always like it."

"So he doesn't want to be in control? Like, he _wants_ to hurt me?" I didn't understand what he was saying to me. Alice shot Edward a strained look.

"Guys!" I threw my hands up in frustration.

"No, that's not it. It's—it's complicated, Bella. I can't explain it. He'll be fine. Everything will be just fine."

"I don't want him to be just fine, Edward. I want us all to be good again. I feel like I'm making life really hard for you—all of you—all the time. It's not fair to Jasper for me to just walk into your lives and expect him to deal with all the stress of being close to me. It's not fair to any of you."

"It's not like that, Bella ," Alice interjected, staring at Edward the whole time. "Jasper loves you; he really does . He just is having an extra hard struggle right now. It's nothing you're doing."

She folded her hands to mask the fact that she'd balled them up into tiny fists while she was talking. Then she pushed her chair away from the table and followed Jasper's exit.

I looked to Edward, who was looking absently at his hands, studying their cold, white perfection.

"Edward, really. I don't want to hurt Jasper. It's not fair…" I pleaded.

"Bella, end of discussion. It's not you, it's just the way things are. The way things have to be."

I didn't like his answer, but I let it lie. I knew the conversation was over by the look in his eye.

**. . . . .**


	5. Chapter 5

**. . . . .**

"Bella?" Charlie called up the stairs.

"Huh?" I peeked out my door and nearly came face-to-face with Jacob.

"Oh, I wasn't sure you'd heard your dad, so I came to check. I, um, I was wondering if you wanted to go get some coffee or something." He scuffed his boot against the hallway floor and looked down at his hands.

I looked at the book I was holding. My excuse for staying in.

Jake's head came back up with a start and he took a deep sniff of the air that breezed through the crack in the door. "Oh. I see I'm interrupting." His voice became hard and he turned away, headed back down the stairs.

"Jake. Hang on," I stepped outside of my door and shut it behind me. I didn't know why I bothered. Edward's super-hearing would give him access to anything we said, and I knew he'd be digging through Jake's thoughts. "I'd love to, but I've got a test tomorrow. And… well," I motioned to the door.

He nodded without making eye contact and clomped down the stairs. Charlie asked him if he'd like to stay to watch the game, but Jake told him he had to get back home. The front door shut a little too hard after him.

"Bells?" Charlie hollered from the living room.

I trudged down the stairs, knowing I wouldn't have to pretend to look guilty.

"Too busy for Jake?" His left eyebrow lifted.

"It's just that I have this big test tomorrow," I held out the book as proof. "I'd love to see him, really. I feel badly. But I can't do it right now. I wish he would have called."

Charlie nodded and patted the couch next to him. I shook the book toward him again, emphatically. "I just want to make sure you're getting out enough… with _other_ people." Charlie looked embarrassed, and I was irked that he was bringing this up again.

"Dad. I _have_ been hanging out with him. And with Angela and Jessica. And I've been working a lot, and it's not like Edward works at the store. So yes, I'm getting out enough with _other_ people."

"Well, ok. I just hate to see him so sad."

"Me, too, Dad. But that's just the way it is. You know, if roles were reversed and I was with Jake all the time you'd probably be begging me to hang out with Edward."

Charlie raised his eyebrow at me again.

"Just saying," I shrugged and turned to the stairs.

"Remember what I said about learning to love what is good for you."

I pretended I didn't hear him and went back up to my room.

**. . . . .**

We were at prom. Dancing. Everything was all dim lights and soft music. I was breathless and flirting, giggling and spinning in circles. My hair was tangled around my shoulders, my cheeks were sore from smiling so much. It was the best night of my life.

His hand was warm around mine, his lips were warm against my neck.

_Warm._

The dream-me pushed back hard and looked up with surprise.

Jacob's white smile beamed down at me, leaned in. "I love you, Bella."

Dream-me looked around. Looked for Edward. He was nowhere to be seen. And then dream-me tucked back into Jake's arms, back into the warmth and the love.

**. . . . .**

I was headed to the library to check out a few books for a research report when I found Jacob leaning against the side of my truck. He looked too solemn to be up to any good. I stopped short, waiting for him to speak.

"We need to talk about your boyfriend."

I rolled my eyes. _What now?_

"I'm serious, Bella. There are some things you need to know about him. About who he is."

I took a deep breath and tried to stare him down. He wasn't budging. I shook my head and lowered my voice.

"You don't need to tell me who he is, Jacob. I _know_ who he is."

"No, I don't think you really do." He stood up straight, his hands clenched at his sides.

I looked at him incredulously. I couldn't believe his nerve.

"Jacob, I know you know more about them than just about anyone else. And I appreciate that you're looking out for me. You're a good friend. But it's rude to march in here and tell me that I don't know my own boyfriend. Because I do. We've been together over a year—I know him pretty darn well."

"You might know the him he wants you to see, Bella. But you don't know the real him. You don't know how dangerous he is to you," his voice shook and he took a deep breath to calm himself before pressing on. "Besides, you haven't been together for a year. He left you for a big chunk of that, remember?" He leaned toward me, his eyes blazing.

I backed away from him, annoyed that he was pushing the conversation so hard. Angry that he brought up the fact that Edward had left me. I tried so hard to forget it; to convince myself it could never happen again because it hadn't really happened a first time.

"You don't know anything about—"

He cut me off, ignoring my feeble attempts to defend Edward's long-ago absence. He advanced on me, following me back up the sidewalk.

"No, you need to hear this. Everything about Edward—about all of those bloodsuckers—is designed to attract you."

"I already know this, Jacob. He explained this to me before we even started dating," I put my hands on my hips, secretly relieved that he wasn't telling me anything I wasn't already aware of. "I know that I'm supposed to be drawn to him, and that it's my scent that attracted him to me in the first place. That he wanted to kill me. But that's not why we're still together. We got to know each other, and it's who we are that keeps us together."

He looked a little put-off, as if he hadn't expected that Edward would have been honest with me.

"It's offensive that you're insinuating he only likes me because of the way I smell. That he's only with me because he wants to murder me."

"That's not my point, Bella." Jacob looked frustrated. "There's so much more about them that you don't know, and you should know everything so you can make the right decision."

"The _right_ decision? You mean _you_." My cheeks blazed with anger. I stepped forward to confront him. "You want to stand here and tell me all of the bad things about my boyfriend so I see how great you are in comparison and pick you instead."

"Not really, but I won't complain if that's what happens."

The left side of his mouth twitched up into a half-smile. The gesture usually charmed me, but I was too irritated to let him win that easily.

"Well, you won't have a chance to not complain. I'm not changing my mind."

I banged the screen door closed and headed for the kitchen, leaving him standing alone on the front step.

I heard the door open and his boots on the living room floor. He paused inside the kitchen doorway, his arm up on the door jamb, his face sorry.

"Listen, I didn't want to start a fight. I just thought you should know. They're dangerous."

I put down my glass of water and put my hands on my hips.

"Dangerous. Yes. I know. That's what they have been telling me ever since I met them. But they're not dangerous to me. You don't understand."

"That's just it, Bella. I _do_ understand. I'm one of the only ones who does. My people have been fighting their kind for generations. We know what they're about. We know what they're capable of, and what they've done in the past. All that makes me afraid to let them anywhere near you."

"Well, lucky for me, you're not the one who gets to decide that." I opened the fridge, poured him a glass of milk, and set it next to the half-pan of brownies on the counter beside him. He was always crankier on an empty stomach and I wanted to end this fight without ending our friendship.

"Jake, I love you. You're my best friend. I understand that you're natural enemies with the Cullens and their kind—but you have to understand that I _love_ Edward. He's my boyfriend. I realize this relationship is a little unconventional. But it's going to work. It _is_ working. Maybe it wouldn't work with just about anyone else like him, but Edward and the Cullens are different. I'm different. I belong with them."

"You belong with them? You realize that sounds crazy? Suicidal?" His lips pulled tight across his teeth and he clenched the glass so hard I half-expected it to shatter.

"You're making a huge mistake, Bella. They could kill you."

I sighed and put my hand on his arm.

"Jacob, I know. But so could the common cold. Or falling down my front steps. I could die a hundred times every day. And that's probably way more likely than dying at the hands of one of the Cullens."

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I know." I leaned toward him and he set the glass down on the counter.

"I just worry about you, Bells. You have no idea."

He gathered me in his arms and held me there, a little too tightly, against his chest. I snuggled into him and took a deep breath. He loosened his grasp and buried his face in my hair. We were so comfortable like this, just us. I sighed again. How lucky I was to have such an amazing friend. Someone who just felt like home.

**. . . . .**

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Tell me what you think-reviews are appreciated!  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**. . . . .**

"Are you sure you have to go?" I pouted slightly and held tight to Edward's hand. I knew he had to go hunting, but I was never eager for him to leave me for any length of time.

Especially not now. Lately, things were strained. We argued when we were together. And when I was without Edward, I didn't miss him like I used to. That bothered me. Wasn't I supposed to yearn for him like I always had? The abrupt change in our relationship and my feelings troubled me. It used to be that I couldn't go ten minutes without missing him, but now, even days apart weren't reason for drama. So I used every excuse I could to be with him, to hold onto that feeling. To try to make up for whatever strain our relationship had been under lately.

"You know I have to hunt, silly." Edward kissed my forehead and peeled my hand off of his. "I won't be gone long. Emmett and I are going a little east, so two, maybe three days tops. I'll call you as soon as we're back."

He backed off of the front steps and hopped into the Jeep, where Emmett was waiting. Emmett's burly arm reached out of the passenger side window and he waved as Edward backed out and honked twice before the Jeep disappeared.

I stood in the doorway for a minute, just thinking. Then I walked to the kitchen and picked up the phone.

Two rings and he breathlessly answered.

"Hey," I started. "What are you up to?"

**. . . . .**

I could see Jacob's hulking shadow reflected onto the floor through the front door window. A wide grin spread across my face and I practically tripped down the stairs in my effort to get to the door faster. I missed the bottom step and landed with both feet and an echoing thud. I heard him laugh from behind the door.

"Shut up," I flung the door open, laughing, and playfully pushed my hand into his rock-solid stomach. He leaned toward me and gave me a half-hug in greeting. I could hear him smell my hair and I was glad I'd used the shampoo he liked. He pushed past me and into the room.

"Smells good in here!" He craned his neck to see into the kitchen.

"I made your favorite!" I grabbed his hand and pulled him behind me into the tiny room. "Double chocolate!" I crammed the biggest cookie of the batch into his mouth, giggling.

"Uhhhmmmmhhhhh!" His eyes half-closed and rolled back in his head as he chewed.

"I wish you felt as passionately about me as you do that cookie!" I giggled and playfully shoved him. _Why did I say that? _My cheeks blazed. _Idiot!_

Jacob's eyes flew open and he swallowed what was left of the cookie in one gulp, then leaned into me and grabbed my arms. His eyebrows raised. "You know I do."

His voice was low and throaty, and it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

I bit my lip and pushed backward away from him. _My big mouth…_

"Sorry." He looked down. And then slightly over to the counter where the rest of the cookies were lined up on cooling racks.

I snorted and motioned toward them. What's that they say about the way to a man's heart?

"Help yourself. They're all for you. Except—save a few for Charlie. He'll smell them when he comes home and ask where they all went."

I poured Jacob a glass of milk as he mounded a plate with warm cookies and we bumped lightly into each other all the way into the living room. We sat down on the couch, and the cushions slanted toward his large frame. I slid into him, our bodies pressed together and I could feel his heat seeping into my arm and thigh. I breathed in deeply, taking in his woodsy smell. He pretended he didn't notice, but I could see him smile slightly out of the corner of my eye.

He threw his arm over the back of the sofa and reached for the remote. Without asking what I wanted, he turned on my favorite show. I smiled up at him and cuddled closer. My Jacob.

His arm slid down around me and he nestled his chin into the top of my hair. The cookies and milk were forgotten on the coffee table. I had no idea what was happening on the TV. All I could focus on was Jacob's nearness.

**. . . . .**

The door rattled open and I woke with a start.

"What are you kids do..." Charlie flipped on the light and his face softened. "Oh. Jacob!"

I pulled myself to my feet, embarrassed. "Um, dad. We were watching TV and must have fallen asleep. I… uh…"

Jacob was standing, towering over both me and Charlie, looking sheepish. "I'm sorry, I'm tired from work or something. I didn't mean to…"

Charlie chuckled and shook his head.

"Nothing to worry about. I'm tired, too. I'm going to head up to bed. You kids just be sure to lock up when you're done here."

I looked at my feet, and then at Jacob when Charlie's feet were all the way up the stairs.

"Will you be in trouble later?" Jacob's concern was etched all over his face.

"No. You can do no wrong, and I can do no wrong when I'm with you," I shrugged. "Not that I'm complaining."

"I should go home; it's after eleven," Jacob looked at the plate of cookies and now-warm milk, and then at me for permission.

"Um, yeah. It's late. I have school in the morning." I stumbled for an excuse. I wanted him to stay. To sit back down and pull me onto his lap. I shook my head again. _Where was this coming from?_ I was glad Jacob couldn't read my thoughts.

He reached down and put his arms loosely around my waist. I looked up into his perfect face. My heart raced. Maybe he could.

"Good night, Bella." His voice was thick with sleep; a little lower than usual.

"'Night." I pushed up against him as closely as I thought safe, and reached up to peck his cheek. I pictured him turning his face. Pressing his lips to mine.

Instead, he slowly let go and walked backward a step or two before turning toward the door.

I watched his frame as he walked through the door and across the yard. Then I sat down on the couch and put a cold cookie into my mouth. _What on earth was wrong with me?_

**. . . . .**


	7. Chapter 7

**. . . . .**

Edward met me in the parking lot and carried my bag into school. We still garnered glances from our classmates, even though the initial shock of our relationship had worn off long ago. By now I was used to people staring at us. People stared at us everywhere we went. Especially girls staring at Edward.

The first period bell rang and we filed into English.

The lecture was something about historical references in literature, but I blocked it out. My brain was swirling. I couldn't get the image of Jacob out of my head, or the thoughts I'd fought the whole night before. Surely I was just tired and overwhelmed. School had kept me busy, and I hadn't really had a lot of downtime. And, truthfully, I'd always been attracted to Jacob, as much as I'd tried to hide it. So maybe the stress of everything was getting to me and making me hallucinate.

"You coming?" Edward was standing next to me and the room was clearing.

"Oh. Um, yeah. Sorry." I shook my head and pretended nothing was wrong. Edward glanced at me out of the corner of his eye as we walked to my next class.

"See you at lunch." He leaned over and pecked my cheek. I put my hands up to his face and kissed him full on the mouth. He stood stone-still and I pressed against him harder, frustrated.

"Bella, not now." He pulled away and walked down the hall, leaving me standing in the doorway. I knew he didn't like PDA, and it was far from the first time he'd pushed me away, but it hurt anyway.

**. . . . .**

Alice and Jasper were the only ones at the lunch table when I got there. I dropped my backpack on the floor and slumped into a chair.

"You aren't eating?" Alice usually flitted around me like a butterfly, but today she was keeping her distance.

"No. I'm not very hungry."

Jasper stared at me like I had sprouted a third eye overnight. I pretended I didn't notice his wide-eyed gaze. He was always weird around me, but he'd been acting extra strangely lately.

Rosalie and Emmett walked into the lunchroom like supermodels, their clothes fitted to their flawless bodies like they'd been tailored for the runway. I never got over the shock of their perfection. Emmett barely said hi; Rosalie smiled at me with unusual warmth.

"How was your evening, Bella?" Her eyes glinted and I could have sworn Alice kicked her under the table.

I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "Oh, fine. I just stayed home." _With Jacob. On the couch. Practically begging him to kiss me._ I felt the guilt roll off of me in waves.

Edward glided in, saw I hadn't gotten any food and disappeared again, returning with a tray mounded full enough to feed all six of us. I didn't feel like arguing again, so I picked up an apple and gnawed at the skin. It tasted bitter. I put it back down on the tray.

I'd never been so relieved when the bell rang again for sixth period.

**. . . . .**

After school, Edward drove me to his house. We sat in his room, me on the couch and him on the floor at my feet. I couldn't study.

I sunk down on the floor, dropping myself just in front of him, between his knees. I pulled the book out of his hands and set it next to us. I batted my lashes coyly.

"Study break?"

"Don't you have a lot of homework?" He eyed my pile of books suspiciously.

"Maybe. But who cares?" I tugged playfully at the collar of his shirt. He grabbed at my hands and held them down in front of us. He looked lost. Sad. Confused. He looked like my heart felt.

"I don't think I'm in the mood for this, Bella. Sorry."

I sighed sat there awkwardly, unsure of what to do now. All I wanted was a little kiss. A little reassurance that he was still crazy about me; that I was still crazy about him. That what had happened between us earlier in the day was a fluke.

He seemed to know what I was thinking, and he leaned forward and kissed the tip of my nose.

"I'm sorry. That wasn't fair. You weren't asking for much," he smiled at me.

But I was feeling put out and guilty. Somehow I always ended up feeling guilty whenever I tried to tease affection out of him. I knew his standards and his feelings about our physical relationship—and more than that, I knew how hard it was for him to be close to me—we'd had that discussion dozens of times. I really tried to behave. But it still felt like rejection every time, even when I knew better. Even when I knew I was pushing my luck. Besides, couldn't a girl kiss her boyfriend? And what kind of boyfriend didn't want a little physical affection from his girlfriend?

Oh, right. Mine.

I sat back up on the couch and pretended to read, but I couldn't do it. I slowly packed up my backpack and asked him to take me home. "I have a headache," I lied. We both knew it was a lame excuse, I just had to get out of there.

**. . . . .**

I sat on my bed in the dark. I wasn't sure if I was crying or not. I was too numb. Memories of days with Edward swirled in my head, mixed in with hours I'd spent with Jacob.

I'd made up my mind. Why was I suddenly feeling torn in two directions again? I dug the heels of my hands into my eye sockets and fell over backwards onto the bed, pretending I was dead.

There was a light tap on my window, so light I wasn't sure I had heard it. Before I could move from my position of desperation, it slid open.

"Edward?" I whispered. It had been a while since he'd sneaked in my window.

"No, it's me." Jacob's perfectly white teeth glinted in the moonlight.

I jumped out of bed and put on a pair of pajama pants and discreetly checked to make sure my tee-shirt wasn't too risqué. Then I hugged him and flopped back down, patting the bed next to me. He pushed the window closed and crossed the small room in a single step. He was wearing my favorite outfit—just jean shorts and sneakers. I could see his bare chest reflecting the soft glow of the moon. My night was instantly better.

"I haven't seen you in forever, Swan. Where have you been?" Jake playfully punched my shoulder.

"Just in a bad mood, I guess. Everything's piling up on me."

He tipped his head and leaned closer. "What's going on?" I could hear the concern in his voice even though I couldn't make out his expression.

"I'm not sure. It just feels like nothing is right." I faltered. "I really can't explain it. It's just wrong, whatever 'it' is."

Jacob's arms were around me then, and his hot breath was on my neck. I shivered and sunk down into the embrace.

"Oh, Bells. It's going to be ok." He didn't let go and neither did I.

The next thing I knew, I was sobbing. Full-on gasping, choking, hiccupping sobs. Jake's giant hand patted my back and he cradled me in his arms. I couldn't stop and the sadness and grief poured out of me in torrents. I knew my tears were running down his chest, and I tried not to think about the path they were taking down his defined stomach.

_Jeez, Bella. Distraught and caught up in a fantasy about your best friend._ I snorted and wiped my nose on my pajama shirt. Jacob loosened his arms and I slid out from his grasp.

"You can tell me, you know."

"I know." I did, but I didn't know what to say. Melancholy washed over me again. "I'm just confused. There's so much to decide."

"Bells, you don't have to make any decisions right now, you know. And he'd better not be telling you otherwise." The bitterness in his voice was impossible for him to mask.

"_He's _not." I countered, hissing in the dark. "_He's_ not the problem. _I_ am. He's nothing but a gentleman. I'm the one who is taking everything and giving nothing back." The tears started again and I held my breath, willing them to stop.

"That could never be true, Bells. You give and give and give. I've never met someone as giving as you." Jake's hand grabbed mine and he pressed it between his palms. He leaned in close, insistent. "I would never have survived my change without you. Even when I couldn't tell you, I held onto the fact that you'd still love me anyway, no matter who—or what—I was. You're just like that. So don't say anything about not giving back. That's all you know how to do."

I sighed and tipped forward into his broad chest. He held me to him and I started to cry again. How did Jacob always know exactly what I needed?

**. . . . .**

That night, I dreamed I was in our meadow. Edward was on the other side, just in front of the tree line and I was trying to get to him. He called to me, motioning and pleading. But a weight around my ankles was too heavy to drag. And no matter how hard I pulled and strained, I could never get any closer to him. Any ground I gained multiplied in front of me, and the distance between us was growing.

His voice was getting father away and I could no longer make out the whites of his eyes. I reached for him, but the distance seemed to engulf us both.

I looked down and saw a giant wolf paw wrapped tightly around each ankle.

I woke sweating and terrified, a scream caught in my throat.

**. . . . .**


	8. Chapter 8

**. . . . .**

I was supposed to meet Edward, but I didn't want another evening with him, sitting in the Cullens' living room or listening to him play the piano. I wanted something fun, borderline dangerous, something that made me feel alive. I wanted Jacob.

So I picked up my phone and texted him, hoping he'd answer fast.

I didn't need to worry. I could practically feel his enthusiasm through the phone.

Dialing Edward, I cleared my throat and thought of what I was going to tell him. Better not to lie, but I had to come up with something believable.

"Good evening. The Cullen residence," Esme's upbeat greeting made me smile. I almost rethought my decision, but plunged forward.

"Hi Esme, it's Bella. Is Edward there?"

"He's outside with Emmett. Let me get him. How are you dear?"

"I'm fine. But I've got a lot of homework. I was going to come over, but I'd better not tonight."

"That's too bad, dear. Do what you have to do. We'll see you later this week. Here's Edward now."

"So, you're cancelling on me?" Edward's soft voice still sent goose bumps scattering across my arms and legs, and my stomach flip-flopped twice. I could tell he was smiling.

"Yeah," I tried to make my voice sound bummed. "This AP English essay is killing me. I should know better than to put it off until the last minute." I looked over at my desk where my finished essay had been sitting in its clear report cover for most of the week. I blushed and was glad Edward couldn't see me. I was a terrible liar.

"That's fine. I'll leave you alone tonight so you can get it done. Can I still pick you up for school tomorrow?" He sounded sad, like he knew I was making it up. I was sure my guilty conscience was making me imagine it.

"Um, yeah. That's perfect. Thanks. I'll see you then?"

We hung up and I dove off of my bed, tearing through my closet for something clean. And cute.

Charlie looked up from the basketball game as I thundered down the stairs.

"Going somewhere? On a school night?" He raised his eyebrows, hinting.

"Uh, yeah. Jake and I had plans." I bit my lip and crossed my fingers behind my back. "And my homework is already done."

"Oh. Well, then. Do you have enough gas in your truck?"

I nodded.

"Be safe. And don't stay out too late. I don't want you all tired out for school in the morning."

I nodded and shrugged into my jacket. I tried not to skip as I raced to my truck.

**. . . . .**

Jacob flung the door open and ran out to meet me before I could even turn off the ignition.

"Bells!" He pulled me from the truck and spun me in a circle.

I shrieked and dragged my toes, trying to get a foothold, giggling and out of breath. He smelled like heaven in a tee-shirt.

"What do you want to do?" His eyes were shining and his cheeks were flushed.

"Anything. Nothing. Whatever." I pushed my shoulder into his chest. "I just wanted to hang out with you."

He grinned like a kid in a candy store.

"So, how about a ride in the Rabbit?"

I shrugged and grinned back, "That sounds great."

He opened the passenger door and I slid inside.

"Wait here!" He ran back into the house and came back with a bundle that he threw into the hatchback.

"What's that?" I craned to see behind me as he got in.

"Never mind. You'll see. I had an idea, but I've never had time to show you before tonight. That is, if you're up for it?" He looked at me expectantly.

I giggled and buckled my seat belt. "How can I say no if I have no idea what it is? Wait—does it involve anything cold and wet? Or anything that will make me out of breath and sweaty?" I blushed. _Way to go, Bella. Sheesh._

Jacob tilted his head and let out a booming laugh. "I hope you're talking about sports, there, Swan. And no, nothing out-of-breath and sweaty. Maybe cold, but you've got me, so that shouldn't be much of a problem."

He gave me that sideways look that always tied my stomach in gloriously-fluttery knots. The Rabbit chortled to life and he lurched off of the grass and onto the gravel road. He cranked up the heat on my behalf and fuddled with the radio. My hands rested in my lap and I could see him eyeing their proximity. He picked a station, reached for my hand and brought it back to his lap in one smooth movement. I bit my lip to stifle a smile. He didn't even try to hide his. My heart pounded.

We rattled down roads I'd never been on, each more potholed and jouncy than the last. Finally Jacob made a sharp right and the car skidded to a stop. It was so black out that I couldn't see anything for a minute after he'd turned off the headlights. We sat in silence, somewhere below us the ocean was beating a steady rhythm on rocks I couldn't see.

"Where are we?" I looked to Jacob, the dash lights reflecting soft green off of his high cheekbones and smooth jaw line.

"Ok, so this is my favorite spot," he mumbled. "You might not like it, and we can leave if you don't. But I want to show you something before you decide."

He unwound his long limbs and climbed out of the car. He leaned back in. "Stay in the car for a minute."

He popped open the hatchback, grabbed the mysterious bundle and disappeared into the dark. Three minutes later, he opened my door and held out his hand to me.

He led me down a rutted path, and I could see that we were parked near the top of a cliff overlooking the ocean. He picked out a careful path, warning me of rocks and roots that would trip me. I still tripped.

"I thought you said no sports, Black!" I giggled as I huffed along behind him. "This seems like high-impact hiking to me, and in the pitch-dark, no less!"

He snorted and stopped abruptly. Grabbing hold of my arms, he swung me effortlessly onto his back and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Hold on then, wimp," he laughed, shaking his head. "We're almost there."

I clung to him and unconsciously inhaled. My whole body tingled with proximity and anticipation. "Now_ this_ kind of hiking is more like it," I gently kneed him for emphasis. "Giddy-up?"

He rocketed forward and I hung on for dear life, giggling as he practically flew over the rough terrain. Up ahead, I could see a faint glint through the trees, and he slowed to a walk. I let go of his neck and slid down his broad back until my feet touched the ground. "What is this?"

He stopped and nodded, motioning me forward through a break in the trees. I stepped through into a wide, mossy clearing in between a thick grove of pines. A blanket was carefully spread on the ground, and two small tea light candles glinted in the corner. "Jake… what? I… Oh."

His eyes looked concerned. "Is it too much? I don't want to make you feel weird or anything…" he dug his hands into his pockets and looked down to his shoes.

"No. It's great. I just, um. I just didn't expect it, that's all." I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Shall we?" I pulled him toward the spot he'd set up for us.

His smile returned, and he helped me find the most comfortable spot on the blanket.

"So it's new moon, and that's the best time since the sky is dark. So, um, just lay back." He motioned to the blanket. I squinted and weighed my options.

Edward. If he knew what we were doing, if he were spying on me right now… What would he think? But Alice couldn't see me through Jacob, and Edward probably still thought I was studying at home. And Jacob wouldn't push it. He knew I was with Edward. He'd been pretty respectful of that lately, even though I knew how he still felt.

I tipped myself backwards onto the blanket, and Jacob pulled a warm army blanket over me. He blew out the candles and scooted back over, settling in close to my side, our arms touching.

"Can you see ok?"

"See?" It was pitch black. What was I supposed be seeing?

"The stars. Can you see them ok?"

"Oh. Yeah…" My breath rushed out in awe, and for maybe the first time in my life, I really saw them. Out here, away from the city lights that had always been too bright in Phoenix and even in tiny Forks, I saw them. Millions and billions of stars. More than I'd ever thought possible. How was that I'd gone almost 18 years and never seen this?

Jacob inched a little closer so we were looking at the sky from the same vantage point, and he raised his left arm up over us. "See that biggest one right there? And then the two that are just a little dimmer? They make a triangle. See that?"

I nodded, gulping slightly at his closeness and the immense stretch of sky overhead.

"If you look carefully at the base of the triangle, you can see a long trail of stars that looks like a tail. See it? That's Draco. And over there, see those bright ones that make a W shape?"

I squinted and tried to follow where he was pointing. "Oh! Yeah! Over there!" I was excited now. This was amazing.

"That's Cassiopeia. And just a little below that one, kinda down and over to the left a little, can you see the four stars that make a square?"

He waited for my nod.

"If you look closely, you'll see three more stars under it that make an up-side down triangle at the base. Like an upside down house. That's Cepheus." His finger traced the shape and I grinned into the dark. His hands fell, lightly touched mine. I inhaled too sharply. My stomach flipped over on itself and tingles soaked my spine.

"And there's the one I really wanted you to see," he pointed up again, ignoring my visceral response to his touch. "See that big one there, the brightest one in the sky? That's Polaris, the North Star. If you look really hard, you'll see it's the eye-star of our tribal constellation, the Wolf."

He pointed out the head, the trail of stars that made up the back and the tail, and the wiggly line of stars that, when connected, completed the outline of a giant wolf. I squinted and tried hard, and finally saw it there. I stared at it for a long time and breathed out a long, happy sigh.

"It's amazing. Jake, how do you know all of this?" I rolled up onto my left elbow, our faces just inches apart.

"I don't know," he shrugged, downplaying his answer. "It's just something we learn from the time we're little kids. Stars, constellations are a big deal to our people. The stars used to be our guide when we traveled, and our calendar. We'd plan our whole year around what the night sky was telling us. The moon and the stars are our connection to those who came before us and those who will come after us."

I watched his lips move in the dim light while he explained. His eyes flickered between my eyes and my lips. I didn't even realize I was leaning into him until our lips touched. We both took in a sharp breath and neither of us moved for a split second. Then his hands came up and wove through my hair, pulling me closer and pressing us into a full kiss. I pulled back slightly, resisting for just a second. But he didn't let go, and I didn't want him to.

I raked my hands through his hair, down the back of his neck, along his broad shoulders. His lips were soft, just wet enough. And warm—so very warm. His tongue lightly grazed my lips and I surrendered to him. He sensed the change and put one arm under me, his hand resting on the small of my back. He lifted me up and slid under my hips. I could feel his solid chest rising and falling faster under me, and I threw myself into the moment. My lips traced down the side of his face, along his jaw. One hand gripped the back of his neck and the other slipped up the front of his tee-shirt to his warm, bare stomach. I lightly scraped my nails across the hot, smooth flesh. His hands pulled my hips tighter to his and he pressed his pelvis into mine. He groaned and I tightened my grip on his hair, pulling in closer to him everywhere I could.

I felt right for the first time in so long.

"Bella." He broke away from my kiss. "Wait."

I came back to my senses and rolled off of him. Sat up. My hair was a tangled mess and the blankets under and around us were rumpled and twisted.

He looked sheepish and tried to help me untangle us. "It's not that I don't want to, I just don't know if I'm taking advantage of the situation. You know, starlight and all…" He fumbled for words and I laughed in spite of myself. He continued, "I just don't this to ruin our friendship. Or for you to regret this in the morning."

Oh, god. The friends talk...

Oh, god. The morning.

I'd have to face Edward in the morning.

**. . . . .**


	9. Chapter 9

**. . . . .**

The morning came too soon, as I knew it would.

Edward pulled up and lightly honked once to let me know he was there. I grabbed my backpack and wheeled out the front door. I couldn't bear having to face him, but I had no excuse for not letting him pick me up after I'd promised him the night before that he could.

He opened my car door and kissed me on the forehead.

"Good morning." His voice was a little tighter than usual.

I could tell he knew what had happened.

The words flooded out before I had a chance to edit them, before he had a chance to accuse or ask for details. "I didn't mean to. I just—I—I mean, I don't know what happened. I mean, I know _what_ happened. I just don't know _why_ it happened. Edward, I love you. I… I'm sorry." It was the world's dumbest-sounding, lamest apology. _Stupid me, I can never spit out the right words._

"All is fair in love, Bella," Edward's eyes were soft, and I could see the pain in his face. "Jacob loves you and a part of you loves him. Maybe a growing part of you. He knows that, and he is doing whatever it takes to win your heart. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You have to do what is right for you, regardless of whatever it is you are worried will become of me. Of us. You have to be happy, Bella. It is all I have ever wanted for you."

I broke down. A sob choked out between my closed lips and tears flooded my cheeks.

"Bella," Edward shook his head and put his hand on my arm. "It's fine. I understand. You're human. You're young. You have emotions. A life to live, things to experience. Things happen."

His understanding didn't make it feel any less dirty. I knew I was playing them both. I had to make a decision, but I wanted to keep them both. Edward was the passion, the desire, the force that pulled me like gravity. But Jacob. Jacob was the heat, the excitement, the fun. Why couldn't I smash them up into the same person. One person with everything the both of them were?

I wished I believed in god, then I'd have someone to beg for help. Heck, I wished I could _be_ god. Then I could do it myself—put the two of them together into one magnificent, perfect man and I'd have everything I needed, everything I wanted without having to break one of their hearts.

Without having to break mine.

**. . . . .**

"You know I can give you more than him, right?" Jake looked up at me from underneath his thick black lashes.

I stared back, my mouth open slightly, unsure of what to say, or if I wanted to say anything at all. My gut told me to run, but my feet were stuck to the floor of the shop. Half of my heart wanted to hear what he had to say. The other half wanted to argue with him. Edward already was giving me everything I wanted, everything I needed. Everything I'd asked for—except for one thing—and he had agreed to give me even that, in time.

He lowered his head and went back to wrenching on something underneath the hood of my truck.

I watched the tendons in his forearms rise and fall. A sheen of sweat glistened on his biceps; his arms flexed and relaxed as he worked in silence, with only quiet metallic sounds interrupting the ticking of the shop clock.

He lifted his head again and gave me that sideways grin that always melts my heart. I swallowed nervously and pulled my bottom lip between my teeth.

His eyes traveled from my eyes to my lips and back up again. He took a breath, set down his wrench and walked towards me, wiping his hands on an old shop rag. I shifted on my stool and stared him down, daring him to continue the conversation he'd started.

He did.

"You know I can give you more than he can." It wasn't a question this time. "There's nothing you'll ever want, nothing you'll ever need when you're with me. I won't make you choose between me and your family. I won't make you choose between me and _living_."

His hands were broad and hot on the thighs of my jeans as he leaned over me. I realized I wasn't breathing and sucked in a scorching breath as I opened my mouth to argue.

He shook his head to silence me and continued. "Being with me will be as easy as breathing, Bella. You already feel it. It's right. You and me. _We're_ right. If you didn't feel it, you wouldn't keep coming over here to be with me. Your heart is just waiting for your head to catch up to what it already knows. That I'm perfect for you. That _you love me_."

He said the last three words slowly, emphasizing each one. Then he grabbed my hand and placed it over his heart, half-smiling. "I'm not rich like him, and you won't drive fancy cars if you choose me. But I can keep your truck running. Maybe I won't be able to jet you all over the world for expensive vacations or dress you in designer clothes. But you'll never question my love for you. You'll know every day that you're all I need. That I'm all you need. I'll give you a full life—full of me and of anything else you could ever want."

I felt the heat of his skin on my palm, felt his heart beat sure and strong in his chest.

He leaned in to kiss me, and I half-scooted, half-fell off the back of the stool. He didn't let go of my hand, so I pulled him over to the couch. No more avoiding it—we needed to talk about this. He sat down and I tucked in next to him sideways, folding my legs between us.

"Jake, it isn't his money. It isn't the cars or the vacations or the clothes. Especially not the clothes." I looked down at my tee-shirt and jeans and he smiled. "It isn't any of that. It's him. From the second I saw him, I knew it was him. It's always been him."

His smile disappeared and he looked down at our hands, clasped together and resting on my sneakers, crossed in front of me on the couch.

"Is it _really_ him, Bella? Are you sure?"

He looked up at me again, his eyes pulling at me. I had no words.

I thought it was him—was Edward. At least, that's what I always had thought. _Right?_

I shook my head and tried to focus on what I was doing here: telling Jacob that I was in love with Edward.

But he pushed on, pushed back against my wavering steadfastness.

"Because I could be wrong here, but it wasn't him last night when we were looking at the stars." He raised his eyebrow and looked at me suggestively. My stomach flipped in circles and I looked down at the couch. "It wasn't him who rescued you from that flour explosion in your truck, or eats cookies with you on the couch. It's not him who comforts you in the night when you're crying. And it's not him who lives and dies for you. Bella, you know my heart beats for you. You have to know that by now."

He was the one looking down at the couch now, a faint blush on his cheeks. I knew that feeling—the one of knowing you'd said too much even though you wanted more than anything to say it. I smiled and leaned forward, pressing my forehead to his bare shoulder. I couldn't help it. He kissed my forehead and nuzzled into my hair.

I pulled back, trying again to maintain my resolve. "I do, Jake. I know. But you have to know that I've promised Edward that I'm with him, and I'm going to stay with him. I love him. And I like to keep my promises."

"I know you love him. But it's possible to love two people at once, Bells. And that's what I see here. I see that you love him, that he was your first love. But I see the way you look at me, and I can feel the way you react to me. I know that you love me, too, and it's more than just best friends. A lot more." His hand came up to my cheek and brushed a stray hair behind my ear. "And you _do_ keep your promises. But maybe you just got a little too eager when you were making them."

I sat back and glared at him. "I know what I'm doing, Jake. I knew then and I know now." I was lying again, but I was too ticked off to care. "I want to be like Edward, like the Cullens. I want to live with him—with them—forever."

"Forever. Ah." He nodded, a touch of bitterness in his voice. "That's the one thing I can't give you, isn't it?"

My anger blazed. He wasn't getting it. "It has nothing to do with you not being able to give me forever, Jacob. I only want forever because that's how long Edward has. It makes no sense for him to be young forever and for me to be with him for 60 or so years—maybe less—and then get old and die. If I'm going to be with him—and I am—it only makes sense that we're both here forever. Or what's the point?"

"_What's the point?_" He was incredulous, leaning a little too close and talking a little too loud. "The _point_, Bella, is that once you make this decision, it's permanent. You can't undo what you're asking him to do. No one can. Once you make that choice, it's made forever. What if you change your mind? What if you decide one day that the forever you want with him isn't actually forever but just a few years? What if you realize you've made a mistake? You'll be stuck like _that_."

He practically spit out the last word and I cringed. It hurt to hear him say that, yet I knew every word was true. But I still felt compelled to fight back. To prove my love for Edward, and my intentions toward him.

"The point of _promising_ forever is to actually _mean_ forever, Jake. So whether or not he changes me isn't the issue. I've already decided. What good is it to say forever if I only mean five or ten years? That makes no sense. Then I may as well just vow to be with him for five years and renew my contract after that if I still decide I love him. Jeez. Is that how you think love works?"

"No, Bella. Not at all." He was calmer now, almost cowed. "I understand forever. It's what I want for you and me. I'm just afraid that if you promise to be with him forever and let him change you, you won't have the chance to decide differently. I'm holding out hope that you'll change your mind and promise me forever instead."

I didn't know what to say, so I grabbed his hands again in mine and just started talking. "Jake, I love Edward. I've never felt about anyone else like I feel about him. He fills a hole inside of me that I didn't even know was there. I had no idea what love was until I met him. And he loves me; he takes care of me. I know that you want it to be you, but it isn't. I can't help the way I feel. I know you love me, and I know you'd be good to me. But that doesn't change my decision. I can't live without him."

"No, you're wrong. You can't live _with_ him."

Jacob's statement hit my heart and I sat there, stunned. He got up off of the couch and walked to the door of the shop. But instead of leaving, he just stood there, staring at the back of the door.

I got up and walked to him, put my hands on his hips and rested my forehead against his broad back. "You're right, though, Jake."

He turned and pressed me to him, sighing with frustration or love or maybe both.

I spoke into his warm chest. "I do love you. You're my best friend. You have a place in my heart that no one else can have. You make me feel… alive. I hope you always do."

He grabbed my upper arms and pushed me away a few inches. I looked up at him, into his fiery black eyes. I saw love, anger, hate, betrayal, kindness, honesty. I saw my Jacob.

"Bells, I'll always love you. And I'll be waiting here until you change your mind. Because you're going to." He shook me slightly with emphasis. "You're going to realize how much that matters—that feeling of being alive. You're going to decide to be with me forever. I just hope you do before you make a big mistake."

I inhaled the scent of him, his words, and a tiny slice of my heart hoped he was right.

**. . . . .**

Edward's hand seemed colder in mine than usual. I pulled my hand away and tucked it under my thigh.

"Something wrong, Bella?"

His eyes looked sad and I had to look away.

"No. Just a little chilly."

He turned up the heat and put both hands on the wheel. I stared out the window. I hated these awkward silences.

**. . . . .**

Sometimes I was sure I was in love with Edward, but then an overwhelming wave of something would pass over me and I would question what I really felt. Was this love? Or was I too young to really know?

Then, I'd see Jacob and feel that same rush that I used to feel when I saw Edward. That stomach-gripping, heart-fluttering, dizzying rush. I didn't know what to make of it.

I was in love with Edward. Right? Maybe it was just that we'd been together long enough that the initial attraction, that unstoppable driving force that had pulled us together in the first place, was weakening. Maybe it was just that it was being replaced by something more stable, more permanent.

After all, I'd made up my mind that I wanted to be with him. That I would be changed and live with him for all of eternity. He'd asked me to marry him, I'd asked him to turn me. And if that wasn't a forever commitment either way, I didn't know what was.

So maybe this was natural. The toned-down feelings of the grown-up love that replaced the crush, puppy love, love-at-first-sight, love-at-first-sniff, love-at-whatever-it-was that Edward and I shared. But something about it just didn't feel right. And try as I might to shake that feeling, it stuck.

**. . . . .**


	10. Chapter 10

**. . . . .**

The Cullens didn't hold family meetings often, but when they did, they were of high importance. I'd been included in the gatherings since the threat of Victoria and then the Volutri had made it necessary for me to be part of their wrangling.

But for some reason, this family meeting felt different. Sure, I'd been the focus of meetings before—far too many times, and usually due to something klutzy I'd done to inadvertently center the drama on myself—but this time, Edward had called the meeting to discuss our future.

Specifically, my future with the Cullens.

I had no idea what to expect, but I was so nervous that I was shaking. Edward put his hand on my knee as we pulled up in front of his house to reassure me.

"Bella, it's fine." His reassuring voice did little to stop my edgy trembling. "We just need to settle some details about how we're going to handle the transition after we graduate, and you're part of that decision. We can't stay in Forks forever—people will notice that we haven't aged in years. If we change you…"

I glared at him and he cleared his throat and started again.

"Once I change you, it will be too obvious that you're different. So it's important that we figure out the logistics. We'll need to put some things in motion now so our departure doesn't look sudden, especially when it comes to Carlisle's job. Or your leaving with us."

The explanation made sense, but I still felt uncomfortable. Actually, I hadn't felt comfortable around the Cullens in a long time. I kept expecting that Edward or Alice would have spilled my secret to everyone, and that they'd gang up on me and punish me for cheating on Edward. I was sure they all sensed that things were wrong, I just didn't know who knew what or how much they knew, and that made me even more uneasy.

Carlisle, Esme, Jasper and Emmett were already at the table when we walked through the door. Edward took my jacket and Esme rose to give me a kiss on the cheek. She'd made a mug of tea and smiled kindly as she set the steaming cup in front of me. I could barely meet her gaze—what if she knew what I'd done? What if she knew how I'd been hurting her favorite son? But there was no animosity in her kind gaze, and it put me at slightly more ease as I settled into the kitchen chair.

Alice and Rosalie came flitting down the stairs. Rose gave me a half-glare and Alice tiptoed over to hug me delicately.

Once we were all in our places, Edward cleared his throat and Carlisle started the meeting. "There are going to be a lot of changes for us in the next months and into next year, and Edward and I agreed that we should talk about it as a family and decide which steps to take. As of now, it looks like we'll need to be moving on in the next six months or so. You'll be graduating," he motioned to all of us. "That means that you'll either need to head off to college or start jobs, and the fact that you all look exactly the same as you did when we moved here will become even more obvious as your peers age."

He turned his attention to me and Edward, eyeing us tentatively. "And if Bella and Edward go through with their plan, we will definitely need to move to avoid people noticing that Bella is different. Everyone who knew her before will have to be cut out of her life. Even if we stayed here and Edward and Bella moved away, we would invite problems if they came back to visit us, or when people began to wonder why they never visit."

Rosalie groaned and slumped in her chair. "Here they go again, making it difficult for all of us."

"No, Rosalie, you know that's not true," Carlisle's patience always surprised me. "Regardless of what they choose, we always knew we'd have to be moving on shortly after you graduated—or even before, if people began to get suspicious. Our ageless bodies will always pose a problem, and that has and will have nothing to do with what Edward and Bella choose."

Edward cleared his throat again and stood up. "I'd like to make a suggestion." He looked down at me, blinked twice and then focused on Carlisle's face.

"I'd like to wait to change Bella for at least a year. Maybe two." I squeaked my disapproval, but he put his hand up to silence me. "I suggest that we find a college that all of us agree on in a place where you and Esme also want to live. We can get a house there and live like we have—together—until Bella and I decide to get married or take another route."

Carlisle nodded, and everyone else in the family stared at me and my open mouth. I couldn't believe Edward was posing this to his family before talking to me about it. I knew why he was doing it this way, but it didn't lessen the sting. It felt like rejection even though I knew I should view it as his kindness and dedication to making me happy.

Rosalie shrugged and put her hands flat on the table. She glared at me and Edward, then fixed her eyes on me. "Really, I don't care one way or the other. Do whatever you're going to do and get on with it. All of this back-and-forth is exhausting me. Make up your mind already so the rest of us can get on with our non-lives and have a little peace."

Emmett patted her back warningly, and Alice and Jasper stared at the table. It appeared that Edward's suggestion had been accepted without argument. I wasn't ready to accept that.

"Wait. I have something to say," I stood up next to Edward, first looking into his face and then into each of the faces around the table. "I want to be part of this family, and I want to do it right. I want you to change me, like we'd agreed, after graduation. It will make everything so much easier for everyone."

No one moved. They were all stone, seated silently and staring down. I was the only thing breathing, moving, living in the house. The thought occurred to me as it never had before. I wanted to add more to my persuasive speech, but I suddenly had nothing left to say. My plight seemed silly, trivial. Dumb.

Edward turned to face me. "I just don't think that's wise. You, making that decision right now."

His quiet voice barely traveled the distance between us, but I knew everyone else had heard him loud and clear.

"And why is that?" I was feeling brave, wanting to push him for some reason.

"You know why, Bella." He looked at me, and then down at the table as if he were ashamed.

"No, Edward. I don't know. Why don't you explain to me why I should suddenly be treated like a child who can't make decisions about her own future." I was almost yelling. Edward was unfazed.

His voice was cold, clear, barely above a whisper:

"Because you have been wavering. Your decision used to be clear, but it isn't anymore."

My chest tightened and I tried to argue back, but my mouth just hung open. What did he mean?

"Alice. Tell her." His eyes never left me, and Alice's wind-chimey voice whispered the words I was afraid to hear.

"I can't see him, but there is little doubt about who he is. In either case, Bella, I've been seeing him—well, the blind spots he creates in your future—for a while. And it's only getting more frequent." She paused as I continued to gape, my face growing hot. "I can't always see your future with Edward."

"He's my _friend_." I hissed back, glaring bitterly at Edward. Why was he doing this? Why was he embarrassing me in front of his entire family? The family that was supposed to be mine in just a few short months.

"That may be true, but he loves you. And there is more between you two now than there ever has been before. That's clear, and I think it's only fair and right to wait until you have really made up your mind." Edward's voice was still even, but I could hear the sadness in his tone.

"_You_ think. You _always_ think, don't you, Edward?" I couldn't hide my frustration, and I attacked him with angry words. "You do your share of thinking and all of mine, too, these days. I'm telling you that I choose you. I have always chosen you. You're the one. I've chosen my life and I want to start living it. Now."

Edward reached out for me and I backed away from his hand.

"No. Don't placate me. I'm not a child. I'm supposed to be your wife, your equal in a few months. Don't act like I'm not able to decide that."

Edward stepped forward toward me, and this time I let his hand settle on my shoulder. The rest of the Cullens were still starting down at the table, silent as death, and it was easy to forget they were even there. I was suddenly embarrassed about my outburst.

"Bella, you know I love you. You know I've chosen you and that will never change. But I have no options for my future. You have your entire human life ahead of you, and I won't take that from you if there's ever a chance you'll change your mind. Until Alice can tell me without a doubt that you've chosen me and there is no one but me in your present and future, I won't change you. And I won't let any of them change you. This is too important. _You_ are too important. Your life, your happiness are too important."

I felt Jasper's calming influence wash over me. I looked up sharply, and he was staring at me. His eyes boring into me, the corners of his lips turned down, his face sad and resolute. I pushed back at first, glaring at him. But he looked so broken and so distraught that I gave up the fight and let him win. I took a deep breath and let my anger evaporate, let Jasper fill me with peace and understanding.

I took Edward's hand and sat down.

**. . . . .**

On the silent drive home, I made up my mind that I would choose Edward. I would stop calling Jacob, stop taking his calls and texts. I wouldn't spend time alone with him; I wouldn't make excuses to be with him. I would be Edward's, like I'd promised. I would show him that he could trust me. That he could change me. And then I'd have what I'd wanted. I'd be like him and we could start our life together. Forever. Like it was supposed to be.

**. . . . .**


	11. Chapter 11

**. . . . .**

Maybe my resolution to end things with Jacob was a good one. I wasn't sure yet.

I had texted him after the Cullen family meeting and asked him to call me.

I didn't want to do it over the phone, but I was afraid to tell him in person that I was basically breaking up with him. Both because of his reaction, and because I didn't trust myself to stand strong if I had to look into his beautiful face and tell him we were through.

And that was exactly what I'd done. Told him simply and plainly that I had chosen Edward and I had to have some separation for all of our sakes. That maybe in the future we could be friends, but not while there were still unresolved feelings.

He hadn't said anything after "hi"; not even at the end of the call, and for that I was grateful and sad. Part of me wanted him to fight for me, to argue and push his case. But I was mostly glad that he'd made it easy for me.

Well, easier at least. Because nothing about this was easy.

I felt like the air had been sucked out of every room. Like a new and bigger hole had been ripped in my chest. Like I was dragging myself from moment to moment, pretending to be ok. And not doing a very good job of it.

I kept waiting for the sadness to disappear, or the deep breath of relief when I realized I'd done the right thing for all of us. But none of that had happened. I tried to tell myself that I needed more time, that the gloom would ebb. Instead, I had the lonely feeling I was just lying to my heart.

Edward was either doing a very good job of ignoring the obvious, or his distraction was honest and complete. Truthfully, he hadn't been around a lot since I'd put my friendship with Jacob on hold. First, a spur-of-the-moment three-day hunting trip. Then, a sunny day kept him from coming to school. The few hours we had spent together were quiet, our attention absorbed by books and homework.

He didn't seem to sense my sadness. Or didn't seem to care.

His distance was growing; I felt like he was backing away. Like I was losing more of him every second.

I pushed back against that fear and instead, I made up my mind that he was doing me a favor by pretending that everything was normal between us. Whatever that meant these days.

**. . . . .**

We pulled into school and I could barely bring myself to get out of the car. It had been a week since I'd made my declaration to leave Jacob alone, and more than a week since I'd last talked to or seen him. I was sad and lonely, and struggling with my decision.

Edward stood, holding my car door open and watching my internal struggle.

"Are you feeling ok?" He looked concerned.

"Yeah. I'm just tired. I'm really not in the mood for school today."

Edward slammed my car door and was back in the driver's seat before I knew what was happening. "Then let's not go to school today." He smiled slightly, reaching over to lay his icy hand on my thigh.

He started the car and backed it out of the parking spot. I didn't really want to go anywhere either, but it sounded better than going to school.

His car raced along the road and I realized I had no idea where we were.

"Where are we going?"

He just reached over and grabbed my hand. The road sped by, trees blurred. My head tipped against the window and I dozed off, letting the hum or the road and the warmth of the car lull me.

I sensed the car was slowing down, and I blinked out of my half-asleep state. We were entering a town. I looked around, spotted a 'Welcome to Portland' sign.

"Portland?" I was stunned awake. "How long have we been driving?"

Edward smiled and shrugged. "Not that long. You always tell me I drive too fast."

He turned a few corners, obviously with a specific place in mind, and parallel parked perfectly on the first try. He opened my car door and ushered me out with a flourish. I smiled and took his hand. I didn't even care where we were going or what he had planned. I just needed this. I needed a chance to set right my feelings for him.

We walked up to the doors of a building, but I'd been too distracted by the sweetness of walking hand-in-hand with Edward that I hadn't even paid attention. The smell of books was overwhelming and I looked around me. Thousands and thousands of books. Floors of books. I gasped and threw my arms around Edward.

"I knew you'd like it," he grinned. "Get everything you want. My treat."

I walked through the store in a daze, picking up volume after volume, opening pages, smelling used books, reading blurbs, peeking at last pages. I assembled a stack and Edward carried them for me, walking along behind me, watching my every move and smiling at my enthusiasm.

I weeded the pile down to a manageable size despite his protests, settling on a few favorites I didn't yet own and a few new-to-me used books that I hadn't read yet. The young girl at the counter eyed Edward, smiling shyly and making awkward attempts at conversation. He was polite but made no effort to hide that he was only interested in me.

We walked back to the car with his arm around me. It was cold, but it felt good. I'd missed him.

"Thanks for letting me kidnap you today," he said when we were driving back home. "I hadn't seen a lot of you lately and I was missing you."

"I was thinking the same thing." I put my hand on his knee and smiled up at him.

"Bella, I want you to know that I don't mean to crowd you or take you away from… from your other friends." His eyes were glued to the road.

The perfect moment was over. I took in a deep breath. Was this it? Were we finally going to have 'The Talk'?

"I love you. You're the one I've waited for. I would devote my life to you, but only if it's what you truly want. I never want to push myself on you. You have so much life left to live, and I would rather live without you than force you to make a decision that you're not ready to make."

"Edward. I—I don't know what to say. I love you, too. I want to be with you; you know that. I'm just having some kind of personal freak-out. I think it's hitting me that I'll be graduating, that I'll be leaving home. Forever. I'm having a hard time dealing with it all of a sudden. Please understand. I love you."

My words turned into pleas. I didn't know how to stop the hysteria from edging into my voice. "No matter what, I'll always love you. Even if I make mistakes." I could barely manage anything above a whisper, but I knew he heard me. His hands dug into the steering wheel and I could tell he was having to concentrate on not crushing it.

"I love you, too, Bella. I want you to be free to experience everything you need to in order to make the right decision for you. What I'm asking is no small thing. Marriage is a huge commitment. But what you've asked—that I change you—is even bigger. It's irreversible and forever. It will change everything. I couldn't bear it if you ever regretted your decision."

A tear rolled down my face and I grabbed his hand, holding it close to my heart.

We didn't speak for the rest of the drive.

Edward kissed me when he dropped me off. But it felt more like he was saying goodbye than goodnight.

**. . . . .**


	12. Chapter 12

**. . . . .**

Ignoring Jacob was harder than I'd expected it to be—and I hadn't expected it to be easy.

I looked for him everywhere I went, thought about him constantly. I watched for him at my window and listened for him in the wind. I expected him to show up with Billy on game days, and was disappointed when he didn't. I'd check my cell phone to make sure I hadn't missed a call, even though I knew he wouldn't be calling. Once, about a week into our me-induced separation, I'd even made some silly excuse to drive past La Push Beach in the hope that he might be surfing or swimming with the pack. But the beach was empty.

For twenty-seven long days, I was completely without him. My heart ached, but I felt like I was making progress. Things had evened out with Edward, and I was feeling like I was in control. Like I'd chosen my path and was moving toward the life I'd decided upon. Before, I'd felt myself sliding away from that place I'd always pictured myself into a darker, unknown future. But now, now I could see it again. And I was glad.

**. . . . .**

Then, on a Wednesday—my fourth Wednesday without Jacob—between sixth and seventh period, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out and Jacob's name on the screen sent an electric jolt to my heart.

I'd explicitly told him not to call or text—or come by to visit either, for that matter. I was tempted to ignore it, but curiosity got the best of me.

I excused myself from class after the second bell and stood in the bathroom stall, staring at the text message alert.

I had to check it, right? I mean, maybe there was an emergency. Was Billy ok? The pack? Maybe Victoria had shown up again and they'd caught her scent. Maybe he had to warn me. Or was he simply as lonely for me as I was for him?

I opened the message and grinned involuntarily.

"_this is stupid. get over here. please."_

There was no thinking about it. I headed back to class, one hand on my stomach, willing myself to be even paler than I normally was.

"Mrs. Wright? I'm not feeling so well." I hung my head and tried to look extra pathetic.

She nodded at me and wrote me a pass. "Go to the office and have them excuse your absence. I hope you feel better tomorrow—don't forget about the quiz over chapter eighteen. You'll still need to take it."

I took the pass from her and replayed the scene in the office.

Absences excused, I jumped into my truck and decided to text Edward. I knew he'd sense the lie if I told him in person, so instead I typed a message telling him I was going home sick and I would see him in the morning.

**. . . . .**

My old truck rumbled over the potholed roads of the res. I'd missed this drive, and looked around at the familiar route with a smile. I'd never lived here, but somehow it always felt like coming home.

Jacob's house came into view and I pulled into the driveway, suddenly nervous. What was I doing? I didn't know what I was going to say, or how we'd break this month-long separation. Maybe most of all, I was worried that seeing him again would awaken the feelings for him that I'd been suppressing and overcoming the past month. If it did, where would that leave me and Edward? I wasn't even sure what I'd tell him, or what ground rules I'd set up. Or how I'd handle it if he tried to push me back into considering him.

I didn't have long to worry. Jacob heard my truck pull in and came running from behind his shop. He was barefoot, wearing jeans and a tight, black short-sleeved tee-shirt. I thought my heart would pound out of my chest and I realized I'd forgotten to breathe.

He didn't even wait for me to open my truck door. Instead, he flung it open for me; reaching inside, hugging me and unbuckling my seatbelt at the same time. His laughter reverberated against my chest and I breathed in the scent of his neck.

Remembering myself, I pushed him away and slid out of the truck on my own accord. The new era of Bella and Jake started now. Grinning, I put my hands on his chest to keep him from coming at me again.

"So what was so urgent that I had to come over here right away?"

"Well, for one, I missed you like hell, Swan. I know why you wanted to take a break, I get it. But I couldn't take it anymore." His sideways smile stole my breath and I had to look away to regroup. "Life sucks when you're not around."

"Ok, well, just so that we have a clear understanding. Jake, we're just friends. That's all we can be."

He nodded, but there was a glint of something in his eyes. "Ok. I get it. But you'll have to agree to letting me try to change your mind. Covertly, of course."

I put my hand on my hip and shook my head, trying to look stern.

"I can't stop you from trying, but you have to fight fair. No using these or this or these." I jabbed at his arms, stomach and lips.

He laughed and pulled me in for another hug.

"Sure, sure. No push-ups, crunches or sweet-talk. Scout's honor." He held up his hand behind my back in a mock pledge.

"No!" I squealed, giggling and stumbling backwards out of his arms. "No flexing, no running around without your shirt on, and absolutely no kissing. Or trying to make me think of kissing. Or putting your lips anywhere near mine or me. For real. Those are weapons you're not allowed to use in this fight."

"Alright. No using my secret weapons." He nodded, grinning. Then he was abruptly serious. "But I'm still going to try, Bella. I'm still going to make you see that I'm the better choice for you. I have to. I won't live without you."

I shook my head, beginning to wonder if coming over was a mistake, despite my initial glee at seeing Jake after so many weeks.

"I don't want to live without you, either, Jake. But I can't keep being torn in two like this. It's not good for any of us. I just need you to promise that you'll stop pushing me."

His nostrils flared and he stood still for a moment, thinking. His face was pained.

"I can't help it—I… I don't know how to back down. I don't know how to walk away from you, Bella."

His words made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and goosebumps started down my arms. I took a deep breath and met his eyes. "Well, you'll just have to figure it out."

He sighed and reached out a hand to me, a forced smile raising the corners of his mouth. "I understand. And I promise I'll keep it on the down-low. You won't even notice that I'm still trying."

It was my turn to hug him. I threw my arms around his middle and squeezed for dear life. I didn't want him to keep trying, to keep hurting himself and me. But I knew why he had to try. It was the same reason I had to try to make things work with Edward.

"Ok, let's lighten up this party," he laughed, twisting out of my hug and taking me by the hand. "In fact, you can help me set up for the actual party."

"Party?"

"Yeah. Tonight's tribal council and you're invited."

"Um, _tribal council_? That sounds a little official. Like, maybe more official than me."

He laughed and lifted our arms up in the air, spinning me under them in a clumsy dance move. I snorted and tried not to trip over my feet.

"Nothing is more official than you, Miss Swan. This is going to be a fun tribal council. There's a little business the elders have to deal with up front, but the rest of it's going to be pretty chill. More like a bonfire barbeque than a business meeting. So you're safe. I promise."

Behind his shop, Sam and Paul were busy setting up wood benches around the stone fire pit.

"I'd always wondered what went on back here. Thought it was some secret wolf voodoo meeting place, or something." I poked at Jake, amazed once again how easily we fell back into us, even after a long break. Even after an awkward breakup.

"Oh, don't be fooled. It is." Paul laughed, pausing with a bench lifted over his head. "We keep the human sacrifices in the storage shed until we're ready for them."

Sam's booming laugh washed over us. "Hey, Paul, maybe put all that extra hot air into actually moving benches instead of wasting it on teasing pretty girls you have no chance with."

Paul gestured like he was throwing the bench toward Sam, who growled in jest. Jake grinned at them and shook his head, then started stacking wood near the fire pit. I reached to help him and felt more at home than I had in weeks.

**. . . . .**

The other members of the tribe started arriving as dusk approached. The pack had trickled in one by one, and the set up was almost complete. Leah, Sue and Seth Clearwater came down the long driveway, each carrying a big basket. Sue directed the pack members to get the rest of the baskets from their van and went to work arranging a supermarket's worth of food on a row of three picnic tables covered with festive tablecloths.

Jake finished setting up the fire at Billy's direction, and he called me over to help light it.

"I'm not so sure I should be the one in charge of setting things on fire. It might be my hair that gets lit," I half-joked, holding up my hands in protest.

"Oh, come on, Bella. It's only fair that the hottest girl here should start the fire."

I rolled my eyes and Billy laughed at Jake's sarcastic attempt at flattery. Jacob ignored us both and put a silver lighter in my hand.

"The kindling is right through here, so all you have to do is light this piece of paper sticking out here," he gestured to an opening. "That will start the whole thing, and you don't need to go anywhere near it. You know, for safety's sake. I know what kind of handicaps we're dealing with here."

I shot him my mock-angry face and bent low to light the paper. It burst ablaze and I stepped back outside the stone circle and watched the whole pyramid of wood slowly take fire.

**. . . . .**

The elders spoke first, and I watched Jake's face as he studied their words. He was completely immersed in their directives, oblivious that I was studying his jaw line, his lips, his perfectly black almond-shaped eyes. I let my gaze linger over his eyelashes, the curve of his cheekbone, the pretty curl of his earlobe. Our fingers were loosely linked, our hands comfortably resting on his right thigh.

Despite that easy gesture, he had toned down the touching and flirting, and I was glad he was keeping a fair distance. Although I could still see the adoration in his eyes, I appreciated the way he was able to make me feel loved without making me feel guilty for not being able to love him in the way he wanted. I felt better about the whole situation, even though it had just been a few hours and we hadn't really discussed it in detail. It seemed that he just understood, and that didn't totally surprise me.

For the first time in a long time, I felt that this was a manageable situation. I could have Edward and my Jacob, too. And without the drama, sneaking around and late nights filled with worry and confusion. Each of us in our places in a way that suited everyone—at least until I was changed, and that was something we'd have to deal with when the time came.

At some point when I was deep in thought, Sam had risen and moved to stand in front of the elders' bench. I woke from my reverie when they summoned Jacob and he let go of my hand. He patted my knee twice as he rose, and I stared after him, wondering what I'd missed.

The oldest of the elders began to speak in a low, barely-discernible tone. But I heard enough to completely shake me from my reverie.

"Samuel Ulley, you were bestowed the honor of Alpha upon your transformation. Now that Jacob Black, grandson of our great chief Ephraim Black, is of age, the council strongly suggests the rights of Alpha be bequeathed to him as his rightful position. You will be granted Beta status if Jacob accepts and the council so votes."

Sam nodded and turned to face Jacob.

"This is your choice, and it has always been your position to accept. I will step down whenever you choose Alpha."

Jacob put his hand on Sam's upper arm, and turned to soberly address the elders. "I understand your wish to name me as Alpha, and I will be honored to accept the position. But I am still learning, and I feel it is wise for me to train under Sam for a time yet. There is still much for me to learn and I believe it will leave the pack weaker to name me Alpha while I am still in training. I ask for another six months before we vote on this rank change."

I was stunned by how grown-up he sounded. It dawned on me how much he had changed in the years I had known him, from a quiet boy to this celebrated young man. I watched his profile through the flames and felt my heart swell with pride and love.

The council elder nodded to Jacob and to Sam. "We will revisit this in a later council meeting and decide when to put it up for vote. If you change your mind before then, we will make a decision when you are ready. At that time, we will also discuss the role of your mate and define a set of duties and expectations to confirm her place within the tribe."

No one looked at me, but I burned with embarrassment as if the whole tribe had turned and stared. I gulped and tried to hold very still, to blend into my surroundings.

The elder continued, "As Emily has fulfilled her duties as the Alpha's mate, so shall your mate be expected to serve in an appropriate capacity, whether or not she is of Quileute blood. Her right to stand as your mate in front of the tribe is contingent upon acceptance of this role. I assume that has already been explained to you?"

Jacob nodded once, almost imperceptibly, and then he and Sam knelt in front of the elder as he gave them his blessing and stated his hope for a continued strong front for the pack and the tribe.

Then the elders were done, and Sue Clearwater invited everyone to help themselves to the food. She asked Sam and Jacob to go first with their partners, followed by the rest of the pack and then the elders and others. She gently reminded the pack to only take one plate to start, directing her words toward Seth, who was rubbing his audibly-growling stomach.

I was still red and a little overwhelmed when Jacob stepped through the crowd to my side. He put his hand on my hip and pulled me close. I stood silently, wondering exactly who had discussed what about me and to what conclusions they'd come. I wished I could pull Jacob aside and ask him, but I knew it wasn't the right time.

Sam and Emily started dishing up scoops of potato salad, coleslaw, fruit salad and chips. Sue was at the head of the table, pulling barbeque off of the grill and onto their plates. Jacob held up two plates and motioned to me to get into line.

"I'm not exactly your 'partner,' Jake," I said, trying to make any excuse to step out from under the words the elder had just spoken and the too-comfortable term Sue had used for me and Emily. "I'm kind of an outsider. I really should let everyone else go first."

"Don't be silly, Swan." He shook a plate at me, insisting. "Maybe she meant 'partner in crime.'"

I acquiesced to his wink and sideways grin, shaking my head at his ridiculous explanation, and took the plate, helping myself to a little of everything except the barbeque.

We sat by Emily and Sam, and the guys distracted each other with talk of patrols and schedules.

Emily smiled at me and motioned toward Jacob.

"I'm glad you guys are back to being friends again. The last weeks were hard on Jake. The guys were always giving him a rough time about thinking about you non-stop, so he must have really been missing you."

I smiled at her. "I'm glad, too. I missed him. I just needed… a break. I wasn't able to make good decisions with him so close. He's, um, distracting."

She winked and giggled, obviously assessing his fitted shirt and low-slung jeans. "I can see that."

"It's going to be ok now," I said, trying to convince myself. "I know where we stand. Where I stand. And what I have to do. It's all going to work out."

Emily nodded slowly, taking a bite of watermelon in an obvious attempt to stop herself from responding.

"Emily, I'm not Jacob's imprint." It sounded more defensive than I'd meant it, so I tried to temper the phrase. "They weren't talking about me."

She nodded again, but I knew she wasn't agreeing with me.

"Sometimes it chooses you, Bella."

"But _I've_ chosen differently, Emily." I tucked my hands under my knees to stop them from shaking. "I realized what I was doing was unfair. I think it was just that we were such good friends, you know? I was having a hard time compartmentalizing exactly what kind of love I was feeling for him. I've figured it out now, and we talked about it. Sort of. Anyway, we're really just friends now. No more crossing the line. So they definitely weren't talking about me."

"Well, that's too bad, then." She still looked defiant, but I pretended to take her at her words. "Because you're a natural fit. Both for Jacob and for the responsibility of Alpha's partner. I took to it right away, and I know you would, too. We're a lot alike."

I shook my head at her and stuffed a bite of potato salad into my mouth so I couldn't respond.

I was uncomfortable and a little too comfortable with what she was saying all at the same time, and I didn't like it.

**. . . . .**

"Jake, is this going to work?" I turned to him after he'd parked my truck in front of my house.

"This?"

"Yeah, you know, us being just friends. After… that kiss and all."

"Bells, I'll be whatever you need me to be. Whatever you want me to be. If that's just a friend, that's what I'll be."

"I know, and I'm glad. But, well, when the elders were talking about the alpha and his mate's responsibilities?" He wouldn't look at me. I knew my hunch was right. I changed my next question into a statement. "They were talking about me, weren't they."

Jacob chewed his cheek nervously and wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Weren't they." I insisted, not sure what I wanted him to say, but knowing I needed him to say something.

"Yes."

"Why? Why me? I mean, how do they even know about me? How do they know that you won't imprint on someone else? Like Sam with Emily? I mean, they probably talked about Leah that way, too. And now she's nothing to him."

Jacob's head snapped up. "She's not _nothing_, Bella. He still loves her. You have no idea how much it tears him up inside to have imprinted on Emily when he loved Leah for so long."

"Oh, I think I have an idea."

He stared at me, and it seemed to dawn on him for the first time how torn I really was. I felt guilty for saying it. For letting him see how my feelings for Edward wavered. For letting him see that he would always be second-best even though my heart wanted him, too.

He inhaled sharply. "In any case, they were talking about _a _mate, not you by name. So calm down—you can pretend they were talking about someone else. But don't be surprised if they're right in the end."

I tried to argue, but he smiled slightly and added with a sarcastically mystical tone: "They know what they're talking about; they're always right. That's why they're the _elders_."

I laughed and lightly punched his arm.

"I'm glad we're back."

"Me, too." His grin was wide and happy. "Aren't you glad I disobeyed your commands and texted you?"

"Yeah," I nodded sheepishly. "I kinda' am. Without you is no way to live. But I'm serious about the friends thing. That's what we are. I don't think I could handle it if you kept pushing it."

"Couldn't handle it? Or wouldn't want to? Or _would_ want to…" He raised his eyebrow suggestively, and I fake gagged.

"You're gross! Seriously, Jake. I don't want to beat it to death, but I need to know that you know where we stand."

"I do. And I respect you, Swan. I'll keep it platonic until you want otherwise. Even if I'm going to win."

His threat was lilting, but his eyes told me he meant it. I shrugged and played it off like the joke I half-wanted it to be.

"You go right ahead and try, wolf-boy. I'm stronger than you think."

He winked at me, leaned in and kissed my cheek, and was gone before the truck door slammed.

**. . . . .**


	13. Chapter 13

**. . . . .**

Jacob's text asked if I wanted to come over and hang out. I snapped my phone shut.

"Who was that?" Edward asked, looking over his trig book.

"Oh, no one. It's nothing." I couldn't handle this right now.

I stared at my open book, not making sense of any of it. Seriously, what was this crap? Why was I even taking this class? I could have had a study hall instead, but Edward talked me into taking trigonometry with him, saying it would look better on my college applications. As if that even mattered. I wasn't even really planning to go to college. Not the way things were set up now, at least.

The phone buzzed again and I ignored it.

"I can't do this." I slammed my book closed and tipped over on the floor. I curled up in the fetal position and just lay there.

"Bella?" Edward crawled over to me. "What's going on?"

"Trig is killing me. I wish I hadn't taken it." I mumbled, my face smashed to my knees.

"Let's get out of here for a while. Homework will still be here later." Edward picked me up and set me on my feet. "Maybe let's just go for a drive."

I nodded and sat up slowly.

"Let me put on a sweater, it's chilly out there." I dug around in my closet, threw on a green sweater that looked clean and struggled to lace up my sneakers. I didn't care what we did, I just couldn't sit in that room anymore. The math, the tension was making me crazy.

Things had been better with Edward lately, and my friendship with Jake was just that now—a friendship. But I hadn't expected my decision to be something I had to purposely choose every minute of every day. I'd expected it to be easier, more natural. Not like a constant battle I was fighting with my head and my heart.

We reached the door and Edward paused, his nostrils flared. He looked sharply at me.

"What?" I was confused by his sudden change of mood.

Just then, I heard Jacob's Rabbit pull into the drive way. Edward was a statue.

"I didn't invite him," I insisted. "I had no idea he was coming over."

Edward softened, but his eyes were still tight. "That's fine, Bella. You can have friends."

He opened the door and let me step through first. Jacob met me on the top step, and he picked me up into a bear hug before I could resist. My heart raced and I was too happy to see him. I was afraid Edward would sense my change in mood, hear my heart practically pounding out of my chest.

"I _knew_ you'd want a study break—" Then he saw Edward in the doorway and put me down.

"Oh. Sorry, Bella." His voice turned bitter. "Edward."

They were frozen there, staring at each other.

"What are you two doing?" I looked anxiously between them. I was never sure whether they were going to be friends or erupt into an argument. That was all I needed. Either option. Right now, I could barely handle things the way they were, and I knew any change in the status quo would throw me even further off kilter.

"Nothing, Bella. Everything is fine." Edward reassured me, but his smile was off. Sad. "I've had a monopoly on your time today. Maybe I'll head on home and let you and Jacob do something this afternoon."

Then he nodded a single nod at Jacob and started down the steps.

I was paralyzed. I watched him walk down the driveway and onto the street until he disappeared from my view. Jacob stared after him, too.

"Weird." He looked at me cockeyed.

"Um, yeah. But you should have called or something." I poked at his chest, accusing.

"I'm sorry. I tried—I texted you, but I didn't hear back, so I just thought I'd come and see what you were up to. I would have kept driving if his car had been in the driveway. I didn't know he was here…"

Jacob's half-apology hung awkwardly in the air. I knew he wasn't sorry at all. He'd gotten what he wanted.

And Edward had given up without a fight; just walked away. I didn't know what that meant. So many times I'd asked him to go, or begged to let Jacob stay. But this time I didn't have to say anything. It was like he knew what I wanted and was too tired to fight about it.

I didn't know how that made me feel. In a way, I'd gotten what I wanted. In another, I felt like my heart was breaking apart, one tiny crack at a time.

**. . . . .**

The metallic taste of blood filled my mouth. I ran my tongue tentatively over my teeth and gums but couldn't find the source.

Then I realized that I couldn't feel my heartbeat. I took a deep breath to prove to myself that I was still alive. My chest popped and creaked, but nothing seemed to break. I let the breath whistle out.

I sensed Edward's presence in the darkness, and I reached out my left hand and found him. His arm felt warm, the same temperature as my skin. He laced his fingers through mine and squeezed. I reveled in the sensation, glad that it wasn't the icy cold I expected.

I already felt cold all over. Outside. Inside.

I struggled for another breath because I felt like I should.

A terrible roar came from our left and Edward yanked me from my prone position. Then we were running, flying, tearing through the forest. I looked behind me and in the moonlight I saw a huge wolf flashing through the trees.

A huge russet wolf.

I screamed for Edward to stop. "It's just Jacob—he won't hurt me! He won't hurt us."

But Edward kept moving forward, faster and faster, dodging trees and clearing ravines in single leaps. I clung to him, afraid to fall but not afraid of the monster following us.

Because I loved it and it loved me.

The Jacob-wolf gained on us. I begged Edward to just stop, turn, face him. He didn't listen.

And then the wolf was upon us. I reached out for it, smiling. _My Jacob. My friend._

My smile turned to screams as it bit down hard and pulled away, shattering my right arm like marble.

**. . . . .**


	14. Chapter 14

**. . . . .**

Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper when I got home from school.

"Dad, is it ok if I spend the night at the Cullens'? Everyone is out of town except for Alice and she doesn't like to be home alone."

He didn't even look up from his paper. "Sure, Bells. I've got a lot of work to do this weekend, and Billy's coming over tomorrow afternoon to watch the big game. You'd probably be on your own most of the weekend anyway."

"Great. I'll make supper and then head over, unless you had plans."

He put down the paper and shook his head. "You go on over whenever you want. I have to go back to the station anyway to finish some paperwork on that break-in case I just wrapped up today, so I'll just stop by the diner on my way in."

I kissed the top of his head and took the stairs two at a time. I didn't get a lot of one-on-one time with Alice, and I wanted to make the most of it. I needed a little girl-time.

**. . . . .**

We were sitting on the plush living room couch, sunk down into the deep cushions. I had a blanket on my lap and was drinking a steaming cup of tea. Alice was making a scarf out of the thinnest silk I'd ever seen, her tiny hands weaving the fine thread as deftly as any machine could.

"You're awfully quiet, Bella. What's up?" She eyed me sideways.

"Oh, Alice. You probably already know." I was having second thoughts about telling her. What if Edward read her mind?

"I think it has to do with Edward, probably. But that's just a guess." She put her scarf down and set her hand on my knee. "You can tell me. I'll keep your secrets."

"It's just… Things are—different." I didn't know how to say it now, or even if I should. "Sometimes I wonder if this is really the right thing. For both of us."

Alice's eyes looked down, and then she put on a brave smile.

"You have to do what's right for you, Bella." Her perfect eyebrow shifted up an inch. "Are you saying you don't love Edward anymore?"

"Ugh. No, it's not that. It's… I don't know. It's so complicated. I still love Edward. A lot. But I've been hearing all of this advice—general life advice, but it fits—about not making decisions that are bigger than where I am right now. I'm worried that I'm rushing into things. I mean, I'm 17. There's just so much pressure to make the decision right now."

"Is Edward pressuring you?" Alice looked concerned.

"No. He's a perfect gentleman. Too perfect in some ways. _I'm_ the one putting all the pressure on me. I know he'll never change, never age. But I'm getting older every minute. I'm worried that if I make the wrong decision, or take too long to make the right one, that I will have wasted time. That maybe it will slip by altogether. Besides, I don't want to wait until I'm 40 and then have Edward stuck with an old woman for the rest of forever." I slammed my palms into my forehead. "Aaaah! This is impossible!"

Alice scooted closer.

"Does this have something to do with that mutt you hang out with?" Her voice was quiet and she didn't look pleased, but she didn't look as offended as she usually did when she brought up Jake.

"No. Yes. I—I don't know. We've always been close, and we got so much closer after Edward left. And we still hang out a lot. Maybe more recently. He just… he's what I need sometimes. He fills in those little spots in my heart that no one else can." I threw my head back against the headrest of the couch. "Maybe that's part of the problem. I know that no one can ever replace him and I'm terrified to lose him. Alice—what will I do without him?"

Tears threatened to spill and Alice folded me into a hug, my tea sloshing onto the couch. "Bella, Edward just wants you to be happy."

"I know that. But sometimes it feels like he's giving up. Like he doesn't love me anymore. Like he's not fighting for me."

She looked stricken. "Bella… He does love you. More than anything. But sometimes fighting and giving up look a lot like the same thing—especially if one is fighting for what's right for someone else instead of their own interests."

I couldn't quite process what she had said, and we sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Alice bounded off of the couch.

"I know what will lighten the mood!"

She zipped out of the room, and came back holding a big black case. "Let me do your makeup?"

I groaned and laughed. If there was one thing I could count on, it was that Alice never changed. And as annoying as that could be, it was also comforting.

**. . . . .**

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** So, what do you guys think so far? Are you enjoying the story?

I'd love to get more feedback about whether or not you like it.


	15. Chapter 15

**. . . . .**

The pack had caught the scent of an intruder. And while everyone agreed that it wasn't Victoria, neither Edward nor Jacob was willing to let me go anywhere alone until they were sure whoever it was had moved on. For me, that meant having a constant chaperone everywhere I went. For them, that meant running into each other every time I changed hands.

I had been feeling a little smug about how easily Jacob and I had resumed our friendship. And other than some relative weirdness between the two of them, it seemed that Edward and Jacob had even come to some sort of compromise. A tense agreement, but an agreement nonetheless.

Jacob had been good about keeping a fair distance, and the awkwardness between us was shrinking. Edward seemed to have settled back into us. He was still distant at times, and his trips and absences were still more frequent than they had been before all of the emotional drama had begun, but the comfortable aspect of our relationship seemed to be back.

So I thought it was a tenable arrangement. Even after Edward's strange disappearing act at my house, it seemed that there were no hard feelings—at any rate, not any more than usual.

At least until the following Saturday afternoon.

I'd spent the day with the pack while the Cullens hunted, and Jacob had agreed to drop me off at their house as soon as they returned. But Jacob became sullen when Edward's text buzzed through to my phone.

"Maybe you don't have to go, Bells," he pleaded softly. "Maybe you can just hang out here tonight. With me. He'll be around tomorrow. Hell, he'll be around _forever_."

I'd looked over at him, ready to roll my eyes at his backhanded snub, but his eyes were sharp, the corners squinted in anger.

"Oh, come on, Jake. You knew this was the plan all day." I made my way toward the Rabbit and he kicked the ground with his boot, not moving. "Jake. Come on."

He stood there, hands in his pockets, and I could tell he was struggling to stay in control.

"What is going on?" I moved back toward him.

"Bella, stay back." His order was so quiet that I could barely hear it, but it held me in place.

I watched him shake, and my frustration over his childishness got the best of me. "Ok, fine. I'll just walk there then."

I started off down the gravel driveway and Jake's hand clamped around my upper arm before I took three steps.

"Ow!" I wheeled around to face him. "What the heck is your problem? Why are you acting like this?"

"I just can't stand you spending time with them right now." Jacob's teeth gritted together and his eyes flashed. His fingers dug into my arm, and I slapped at them until he released me.

I rubbed at my arm to allay the pain and glowered back at him. "Well, it's something you're going to have to get used to. It's not changing, and you know that. Stop being an ass. What's with you?"

Jake took a deep breath and looked at me through his thick lashes, shaking his head apologetically. "I'm sorry. About your arm, about acting like a jerk. About everything. This whole bloodsucker-thing is exhausting. I've been running patrols or watching you nonstop for the last six days and I'm just tired. And feeling a little overprotective of you right now."

I stepped toward him and pushed my fist into his stomach lightly. "It's fine, I guess. I just don't understand why you get so angry about it."

"Because I'm jealous, Bella." He grumbled into the space between us, not meeting my eyes. "Being tired makes it worse. I just wish you wanted to spend all of your time with me."

I was frustrated by his inability to let go, and I stepped back toward his car. "I'm sorry about that, but you know how it is. Besides, I spend a lot of time with you. So please don't do this right now."

He followed me to the car wordlessly and peeled out, throwing all of his pent-up aggression into driving and throwing me back against the seat with the sudden movement. I stared out the window at the blurring landscape and ignored him, fighting my natural instinct to try and placate him.

We were at the Cullens in a fast 15 minutes, and I climbed out into the cool night air, hoping he'd just drive away. Instead, Jacob's car door slammed. I looked up and saw him charging past me and toward the house.

"You're not coming in." I knew his mood wouldn't get any better when faced with the Cullens, and I reached to stop him.

"I promised Sam I'd give Carlisle a report on our patrols." He shook off my hand and pushed ahead of me, raising his arm to knock on the front door just as Edward swung it open.

Edward's eyes were narrowed, his nostrils flaring. He looked me up and down and stepped forward. He lifted the sleeve of my tee-shirt.

"What the hell is this?" He pointed to the red marks on my arm in the pattern of Jake's fingers.

"Nothing." I pulled away and yanked my sleeve lower.

Edward stepped over to Jake and practically bumped chests with him. "I thought I told you to keep your hands off of her."

"Mind your own business, Leech." Jake was growling under his breath.

"Stop it!" I tried to push in between them, but they ignored me, both showing their teeth and pressing closer.

"She _is_ my business." Edward hissed back. "And I'll make _killing you _my business if you ever lay a hand on her again."

The sound of the argument had brought the rest of the Cullens to the door, and Carlisle stepped out to break up the argument.

"Ok, you two. Calm down." He pushed against Edward's shoulder with one hand, and Jacob flinched away from the icy grasp of his other hand. Carlisle ignored the decidedly immature response, his voice calm and reassuring. "Now, what's the trouble?"

I tried to focus on taking deep breaths. Carlisle had it under control, there was no need to worry. Right?

"He drops Bella off with bruises—how am I supposed to stay calm?" Edward turned on Carlisle as Jacob inched forward with a growl.

"Leave it alone, Edward." Jacob wasn't giving up, acting like Carlisle and the rest of us weren't there. "You have no idea what happened, so just back off."

Edward whirled back around, his words slicing through the inches between them. "Does it matter what happened? There is no single circumstance in which it would be appropriate for you to leave bruises on my girlfriend."

"Edward, I'm fine. It was a misunderstanding." I stepped into the fray, feeling the sudden need to back up Jacob. "Just leave him alone."

"Misunderstanding." Edward's tone turned colder. "What, now you're defending him?"

"No! I—I just… It was nothing. You're all getting worked up about nothing." I grasped for words, not sure why I'd even opened my mouth in the first place. I finished weakly, sounding like a pathetic child. "He didn't mean it."

Edward growled, turning past me and lunging at Jacob.

I screamed and tried again to get in the middle of them, but Edward's hand pushed me back as Jacob launched himself forward. I fell backward against the doorjamb and watched in horror as the tangle of limbs that was my boyfriend and my best friend thrashed at the foot of the stairs.

"Edward!" Carlisle rushed forward, reaching into the blur and pulling Edward away by the back of his shirt. Emmett stepped in, too, pulling Jacob away and holding his hands behind his back.

Edward stood, panting, his teeth bared. His hair was messed up and his shirt was torn in a few places, but he looked no worse for the wear. Edward was unbreakable. But Jacob in his human form could be easily injured by Edward's stony fists—and injured he was. A bloody gash on his neck dripped onto the collar of his shirt, and his eye was swelling up as I stared at him.

I looked between the two of them, trying to decide who deserved more of my wrath.

I felt a sudden warmth flood over me and I spun around to look for Jasper. I was certain he was influencing my mood.

But Jasper and Alice were inside, facing each other on the stairs, seemingly deep in an intense conversation and not paying attention to what was happening on their doorstep.

I pulled my eyes away from Alice and Jasper and considered Jacob and Edward again, already knowing the choice I'd make.

Jacob looked at me, his dark eyes burning into mine. My breath caught in my throat and the warmth broke over me again.

Edward reached for me as I stepped forward, but I brushed past him and put my hand to Jake's face. His flesh was hotter than usual around his eye, red and turning purplish around the edges. I stroked his arm with my other hand, and pushed him toward the car.

"Let's go." He balked and I took the car keys from his hand. "I'm driving."

I wrapped my hand around his and pulled him toward the car.

I could hear the silence behind me as loudly as a drum. As loud as my thudding heart. I didn't turn back around. Instead, I opened the passenger door and shut it behind Jake, then I got in the driver's seat and started the engine. I didn't even take a deep breath to steady myself before I drove away.

**. . . . .**

That night, after I'd taken Jacob home and held a package of frozen peas to his already-healing eye, I lay in bed with the window open and the lights off.

I knew I'd made a big move—a potentially life-changing decision—in the course of an instant. And I knew the automaticness with which I'd made that move said more about me—about who I was, about who I was becoming—than I was willing to admit. But I wasn't completely sure who was to blame.

I had been positive that I'd felt Jasper changing my mood. But why would he do that? It made no sense. If he'd been influencing anyone's feelings, wouldn't he have tampered with those of Edward or Jacob? Or wouldn't it have been to simply calm me down? There's no way he would have made me feel sorry for Jacob, in any case.

I was also fairly certain that Jasper would have needed to be focused on me to influence my mood. And he hadn't been. In fact, it didn't seem like he'd been paying attention to the ruckus at all.

So, if Jasper wasn't changing my mood, who was?

_Was I?_

I sighed and kicked off the sheet, rolling over to bury my face in my pillow. It was hopeless. I was hopeless.

None of the why's mattered. Regardless of _why_ I'd done it, the ramifications of _what_ I'd done echoed in my head. I'd defended Jacob, I'd ignored Edward's outstretched arm, I'd taken Jacob's side—and his hand—and I'd driven away without even asking if Edward was ok.

I'd made my decision, and it was plain and clear to everyone watching.

But I also knew that Edward was fine. There was no way that Jacob in his human form could have injured him. And Edward was the one who was pushing Jake's buttons. Sort of. Although, I did have to admit that Jacob bore his fair share of the responsibility for coming up to the house in the first place. I didn't blame him for the bruises on my arm. He was stronger than he knew, and I was sure he'd never hurt me on purpose. But he had to know it would set Edward off, and he hadn't given me a chance to talk him down.

Then again, Edward was just protecting me. Drawing a line in the sand about how I should be treated.

He'd drawn the line for Jacob, but I'd crossed it.

**. . . . .**


	16. Chapter 16

**. . . . .**

The sun was shining and the breeze was warm. I rolled up the cuffs of my jeans to mid-calf and turned my face to the light, smiling as I closed my eyes against the brightness. Edward was away on another extended hunting trip, and I was making the most of the sunny day.

Jacob's warm hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me back to reality.

"Whatcha doin'?" He leaned his face toward my hair and inhaled. I turned to him and grinned.

"This feels so amazing."

His hands tightened and he grinned back.

"No, you goon." I scooted away from his grasp playfully. "I meant the sun."

He shrugged and winked. "Uh, huh. That's what you're supposed to say."

I charged toward him, but he pushed off of the white sand, powering backwards far out of my reach. Giggling and squealing, I chased him across the sand until we'd reached the stretch of beach where the rest of the pack was frolicking in the surf.

Leah was stretched out face-down on a blanket, the top of her bikini untied. Emily sat next to her, reading under a huge beach umbrella. The guys were in the water, some on boogie boards, the others splashing and wrestling. Jacob nodded at me and sprinted toward the pack, hurdling over Paul and knocking Seth under the water before they'd even seen him coming.

Emily shook her head at them and patted the sand next to her. "Come on over, Bella. It's safe up here. I told them I wouldn't feed them for a week if they got any of us wet."

I sat just outside of the umbrella's reach, soaking up all of the sun I could get. There wasn't much about Phoenix that I missed anymore, but I could never get enough sun.

"You two are looking awfully cozy…" she smiled, hinting. "Maybe even cozier than the night of the bonfire?"

"Um, yeah. I guess," I shrugged, not sure what to say. "That's just kind of the way we are."

"Jake's a great catch."

"I know. But it's not really like that." I looked at the sand, embarrassed that I was embarrassed. Besides, Emily and I had already had this conversation. She should know where Jake and I stood.

Leah rolled over and sat up half-way, bringing a corner of the blanket with her for decency's sake.

"'Not really like _that_?' Then what _is_ it like, exactly? It pretty much looks to me like you guys are a thing." Her tone was somewhere between teasing and annoyed, her eyes narrowed slyly.

"Leah, let it go. She doesn't want to talk about it," Emily tried to stick up for me, but Leah was having none of it.

"No, really. I'm interested. What is it like, then, if it's not like _that_?"

I still couldn't tell if she was joking or wanted to punch me. I never really could.

"Um, well. Uh…" I faltered.

They were both staring at me.

"We're just friends."

"Really? _Still_?" Now it was Emily's turn to sound sarcastic.

"Yeah. Jake's my best friend." I found my confidence and nodded seriously. I wasn't sure I entirely believed myself, but I wanted them to.

"Hmmm." Emily looked at Leah, who shook her head in mock disbelief. "Well, I stick by my statement that Jake is a catch."

"No, no, no. No! That is _not_ where this ends." Leah was on her knees now, tying up her bikini top, practically face-to-face with me. "Details, Bella. Go!"

"Uh…" I looked to Emily and found no help. "Ok, well, we're friends. I know Jake likes me. I mean, likes me like _that_. But I, um, I kind of already have a boyfriend. And it's pretty serious."

"Serious? Listen, I know you've been dating that Cullen freak for a while, but I doubt it's that serious," Leah scoffed. "I mean, how serious can it get? Not to be technical about it or anything, but, well, he's not exactly…alive. So I doubt things… you know, _work_ very well."

Emily put her hand up over her face and tried to hide her laughter. "Ewww, Leah! That's a tad personal!"

Leah was giggling now, too, her sandy hands thrown up in the air. "Well, it's the truth, isn't it? I mean, if your heart isn't beating, then your blood isn't pumping. And if your blood isn't pumping, well—I have taken A&P, you know… Not that I think that much about the undead and their procreation techniques."

I cracked up at Emily's expression and Leah's feeble excuse for the inappropriate comment.

"Ok, so no, it's not that serious physically. That would be dangerous. Even though I'm sure the, um, technical side isn't that much of a problem. I don't know. We haven't tried anything like that, exactly. Edward's kind of, well… chaste."

It sounded so lame that Leah rolled over, muffling her laughter into the blanket. Emily was giggling, too. The three of us howled like hyenas until the boys all stared. The whole idea struck me as hilarious. Describing my love life—or lack of—with a vampire to a werewolf and the fiancée of a werewolf. Had a conversation like this ever occurred in the history of the planet? I doubted it, and was glad and sorry for myself at the same time.

"Seriously, Bella. What's with you two?" Emily was prying now, and not even trying to hide it. "It seems pretty obvious that there's an attraction there. And it doesn't all seem to be one-sided. I know what you told me at the bonfire, but it seems like you're closer than ever."

I took in a gulp of sea air and sighed. "He's hard not to love."

Leah smiled a wicked smile and leaned forward. "And it doesn't sound like you always try too hard not to love him…"

I felt my eyes grow big and the color drain from my face.

"Oh, calm down, Bella. He's not spilling any secrets on purpose. Pack brain, remember?"

"Um, yeah. Ok. We kissed once and flirted a little. So, I have to admit that sometimes he's too hard to not love." I looked down at a frayed spot on the knee of my jeans and picked at the white threads showing through. "But I'm working on it."

Just then, Seth screamed for Leah.

Emily and I turned toward the ocean just in time to see Embry and Quil dunking him, his arms flailing above the water. Leah laughed and jumped off of the blanket, racing toward the surf to save her brother from his attackers.

We watched them wrestle in the waves for a while, laughing and howling. Then Emily turned to me.

"I know what it's like."

"What what's like?" I was confused.

"Loving someone and not wanting to. Or not expecting to. I went through that when Sam first imprinted on me. I wanted so badly to ignore it, to force it to not happen. For Leah's sake. I loved her like a sister, and they were perfect for each other. It didn't seem fair that fate was forcing Sam to be with me."

I looked down, unable to meet her eyes. Was I that easy to see through?

She continued talking, her voice gentle and low. "What I didn't realize right away was that Sam and I were meant to be together. Fate—or whatever it is—chose for us what we weren't smart enough to choose for ourselves. I will always be sorry for Leah that she and Sam didn't work out, no matter how happy I am that he's mine. And I will always be sorry that he didn't imprint years before he did, so that she never had to go through that pain. But I can never be sorry that he's my forever mate. He's a real catch, too, you know."

She looked at me kindly, and I couldn't help but return her smile.

"I'm glad too, for your sake, that you have Sam. But Emily, it's different with me and Edward and Jacob. There's no imprinting going on here; no fate. Just me being indecisive and flighty. Just me being unfair. Edward was my first love, and he's the one. I've always thought so. I do love Jacob, and I haven't been very smart about how I've been treating him lately. It's been easy to let my feelings for him override what I know is best."

"But how do you know it's what's right? I mean, how do you _know_ that being with Edward and not Jacob is what's best?" Her eyes were honest and questioning.

"I don't know. I just do. I mean, from the second I saw Edward, I knew he was the one. And I was the one for him. We were drawn together. It's hard to explain, other than just to say it was a feeling I've never had before. It was like he was pulling me in and I was pulling him—like two planets caught in orbit. I don't think I can walk away from that."

"But you and Jacob are… closer than you were before?"

"Yes," I nodded, not sure what else to say. "He was there for me when Edward left. I learned to trust him and love him even more than I thought possible. But I'm not sure what kind of love I feel for him. It's confusing. And I've let that confusion convince me to do things I shouldn't have. So now Jacob is confused, and rightly so."

"I've always wondered, Bella, why did Edward leave?"

I looked at Emily, and decided I could trust her with the sordid details, even if talking about it brought back the pain and reopened the wound.

"He thought it was best for me. He thought he could keep my safe by leaving. But he was wrong. We were less safe apart. I did dumb things, he did dumb things… it's a good thing we ended up back together or we would have died apart."

"And Jake? He was there for you?"

"Yeah. I would have never survived those months without Edward if Jake hadn't been there to help me. Distract me, take care of me. Whatever you call it, he was my savior. He's always just gotten me, you know? After all that time we spent together, it feels even more natural. I've missed him, so I think I'm just spending more time with him again because he brings out a side of me I can't show to anyone else. He just lets me be, and when I'm with him, I'm perfect. That's not a feeling I ever really have."

Emily smiled and we were quiet for a minute, just thinking.

"But if—when—you become like Edward, you will be leaving Jake like Edward left you. Who will be there to pick up the pieces of him?"

Her observation hit me with the force of a truck. Intrinsically, I knew it was true. But I hadn't thought about it in such stark terms.

"That makes me sadder than I can explain. But Emily, it doesn't make sense any other way. If I'm going to be with Edward, I have to be with him all the way. If I stay like I am, I'll get older and older. And he never will. It's like with you and Sam. Eventually, he's going to have to stop phasing, right? Then you'll age together. The way it's supposed to be."

"Yes. We've talked about that. He's a few years older than me anyway, and he looks even older than he is. So it will be years before we have to make that decision. But I know he'll do it. The pack is a young man's game; it's not a full-time job for a husband and father." She looked suddenly sad. "But Bella, his is a choice that can be reversed. If something happened to me or he decided he didn't want to be with me, he could always make a different decision. With you—with them—there is no changing back. Once it's done, it's done. And you'll have lost Jake. It seems like that's asking a lot of you to decide now, when you're so young."

All I could do was nod. This was a reoccurring conversation theme lately, and I didn't know what to make of that.

"Could you bear losing him forever?"

Leah returned from saving Seth just in time to save me from having to answer the question I had no answer for.

"What did I miss?" She was out of breath and had a devilish glint in her eye. "Oh, don't be shy. Is he a good kisser?"

I blushed and nodded. "Yeah. The best, actually."

Jake was suddenly standing behind me, dripping wet and grinning ear-to-ear.

"Are you girls torturing poor Bella?"

He looked down at me and my stomach leapt. I followed a drop of water as it dripped from his earlobe, struck his chest and rolled down his stomach to the low-slung waistband of his swim shorts. I realized I was staring and looked up, pink from more than just the sun. He licked his bottom lip and smiled a crookedly at me.

I looked down.

Emily cleared her throat and smiled demurely at Jake.

Leah giggled and looked out over the top of her sunglasses. "Time for you two _friends_ to head off to whatever evening activity you have planned?" She raised her eyebrow.

Jake chuckled and reached out for my hand. I ignored it, stood up on my own and brushed off my jeans.

Leah snorted and flopped back down on her blanket. Emily waved and winked. I shook my head at both of them and stalked off next to Jacob.

"What was going on there?"

"Oh, nothing. You know, just girl-talk."

"Um, Bells, I know for a fact that you and Leah aren't big on girl-talk. Not sure about Emily, but I doubt she's really one of those girls, either. Whatever you guys were talking about looked pretty juicy."

I knew he knew by the way he was looking at me.

"Ok, you win. We were talking about you."

"Me?" His lame attempt at surprise made me laugh.

"Yes, you, Mr. Super-hearing. So stop acting like you didn't know." I stepped into him, elbowing him in the side.

He chuckled lowly and grabbed my arms, picking me up off the ground and swinging me in front of him. I kicked my legs like a child, giggling and relishing the moment.

Then in one deft movement, he pulled me into him and kissed my neck. I pulled away awkwardly, trying not to make it obvious.

But he caught on.

"Sorry." His hands let go of me and I stumbled in the sand.

"No, nothing to be sorry about. I just, well, I just didn't want to lead you on."

He looked at me, incredulous.

I floundered for words. "You know. Like, I didn't want you to think this is more than it is."

"More than it is? What _is_ it, exactly, Bella?" I couldn't tell if he was angry or just pushing the envelope.

For the second time in ten minutes, I found myself struggling to define us.

"We're friends, Jake. Best friends."

"Aaahh. I see. So you make this many excuses to spend this much time with all of your other friends? Do you lie to your boyfriend for them, too? What about kissing? Do you kiss all of your friends, Bella? Do you look at all of them like you look at me? Or is that a special privilege your reserve for your _best_ friends?"

I stared at him. There was no twinkle in his eye. I suddenly felt cold.

He paled a little, looking at me. Then he looked down at the sand and reached out for me.

I stepped toward him, letting his warm hands envelop mine. He sighed a deep, long sigh and looked lovingly at me.

"I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to be asking for more than friendship. It just seemed like you were acting differently toward me again. I know it's hard for you to explain what you feel. It's not as easy for you as it is for me, and I shouldn't push you. I promised, and I'm not doing very good at keeping that promise." His hands tightened around mine. "I just want you to define what we are. I want to tell everyone you're mine. Especially you. Because I'm not quite sure you know that yet."

"Jake… don't." I squirmed slightly, unsure of what I was supposed to say, if anything. I'd thought we were done with these conversations.

He ignored my plea and pulled me toward him slowly, his eyes burning into mine.

"Because you are mine, Bella. Whether you know it or not, you will be. You already are. I'm sure of it."

"What makes you so sure?" I challenged him, frustrated by his confidence when my head was swimming with questions.

"I'm exactly right for you, Bella."

And I knew what he was saying was true. He _was_ exactly right for me. We just fit together. Every second with Jake was comfortable; and we got more comfortable every minute, every hour we spent together. Nothing about him was foreign to me. We just got each other on a completely different level. I never had to explain myself to him, and even his strangest actions made sense to me. Everything about us made sense.

Everything except the fact that we weren't together.

**. . . . .**

That night, I lay upside down in my bed, my head hanging off the end of the bed facing the window. The moon was full and the night air was warm. I'd left the window open, halfway hoping that Jake would show up. But all that came through the window was the smells and sounds of summer.

I stared at the moon and thought of the two lives I was torn between.

Both of them seemed so right, but right to different halves of me.

Jake appealed to my human side—the living, breathing, laughing, dancing side of me. The stumbling, confused, happy, flesh-and-blood me. The me that already was and wanted to stay that way.

Edward sang to the side of me that had never fit in anywhere; the side that was always searching for a place where I could be myself. The part of me that didn't exist yet, but fought to be born. The perfect, strong, unbreakable version of me that ached to be reality.

I knew Edward loved me, but I also knew that he didn't see me for who I truly was. The smell of my blood changed who I was in his eyes, making me more desirable, making him unable to walk away. He'd told me once that I was his own personal drug, and like any addict, I knew that I had a hold on him whether he wanted me to or not. A big part of me was afraid that once I was changed—once the addictiveness of my scent was changed—his affection would change, too.

But more and more, I understood that I was already a perfect version of myself with Jake. I didn't have to be anyone else with him—he loved me for who I was right now. I wouldn't have to change to be with him. He thought I was already perfect, strong and unbreakable—at least in spirit—and he loved me for it.

There was no easy answer, of that I was sure. I pinched my eyes shut and listened to the crickets chirping. In the distance, a wolf howled and I smiled as I drifted off to sleep.

**. . . . .**


	17. Chapter 17

**. . . . .**

The next day at school, things were awkward and strained with Edward.

I hadn't seen him since the night he and Jake had fought. He'd been out of school and then away hunting ever since, and I'd decided not to bring up that night and just follow his lead. I'd rather he forget what I'd done rather than try and explain what I'd been thinking.

But this might be worse than trying to explain my inexplicable actions. He wasn't making eye contact with me and he looked forlorn.

I'd tried to ignore his mood all through classes, but I was feeling a heavy sense of dread by the time our last class let out.

Edward walked me to my truck without comment. He pulled away stiffly when I reached up to hug him goodbye.

I sighed and stared at the damp pavement. This wasn't going well. He put his hand against my cheek, and I looked deep into his eyes, wordlessly. I didn't know what I saw there, but it wasn't the love I'd come to expect to see shining back at me.

"I feel like you're pulling away, Edward." My voice was quiet, weak. I felt my heart thud in my chest.

Edward clenched his jaw once, twice, then met my gaze. "I'm not pulling away. I'm just… giving you space."

"I didn't ask for space." I pushed back, annoyed at his ever-paternalistic treatment.

"I know. But I think you need some space, and I'm not sure if you'd ask."

"You're right. If I needed or wanted space, I wouldn't ask you. I'd _tell_ you. So stop trying to read my mind and wait until I tell you how I'm feeling." I could tell my frustration was bubbling to the surface, and my words were tinged with bitterness. I took a deep breath before softening my tone. "Once upon a time you told me I'd need to do that—need to tell you what I was thinking—so I've known that from day one. I've tried to do it so there isn't any confusion, and I wish you'd respect it."

He nodded and tucked me into a tight hug, but I knew the worry wasn't over even though the conversation was. Things just weren't right, and I didn't know how to fix it.

Frankly, I was getting tired of trying.

**. . . . .**

Charlie was staring at me over our dinner plates.

"Yes?" I wasn't sure I wanted to know what he was thinking, but the staring was unnerving me.

"Is everything going ok? You know, with that Cullen boy?"

I stabbed at a grape tomato and it squirted out from under my fork and escaped my salad bowl. I heard it drop to the floor. I debated chasing it; diving under the table where it had landed and staying there until Charlie went up to bed.

Instead, he plunged on.

"I've just noticed that you've been spending a lot more time with Jake lately."

"Dad, are we really going to talk about this?" I hoped the diversion would push the conversation off of the track. I didn't like the direction it was going. I didn't want to think about this right now. Maybe not ever. I was sick of thinking about it.

"I don't need any specifics. I was just wondering."

"Everything's fine, Dad."

Charlie gulped down a bite of hamburger and set down the rest. I looked up to find him staring directly at me, which was rare for Charlie. "I just want you to be happy, Bells. I know you've been under a lot of pressure lately with school and all the stuff you do at home. You know, I was young once, too. I remember what those first relationships are like."

"Daaaad…" I groaned and put my hand over my face.

"No, really, Bella. It's important that you cut yourself some slack. You're just a kid. You have a lot of life left to live—all of it, really. I want you to take time to be young and have fun. You're a serious kid; I know that. You get that from me. But it's ok to not be so serious about everything all the time. You still have the luxury of exploring your options, and I hate to see you settle down without knowing everything that's open to you. Your mother made that mistake with me, and she was miserable for a lot of years."

I fidgeted. My parents' failed relationship was not what I wanted to discuss with my dad over dinner.

But Charlie battled on. "I'm glad you've been pulling away a little from Edward. It's good to reevaluate everything before you make any big decisions or narrow down where you're going or who you're going to be." He paused, assessing my pained expression. "Ok. End of speech."

He reached out and patted my hand. I smiled a half-smile at him, knowing I should be grateful that he cared.

"Thanks, Dad. I appreciate it. But I know what I'm doing. No one is forcing me to do anything. I'll be ok."

"I know you will, Bells. You get that from me, too." Charlie smiled and pushed his chair back. "Now, how about dessert? We could drive over and grab some ice cream?"

He didn't have to ask twice. I put our plates in the sink and beat him to the cruiser.

**. . . . .**

"Dad?" I'd pulled away from the conversation earlier. But now I realized I had questions. Questions that might be best answered by Charlie.

He looked up from the newspaper.

I scooted to the edge of the couch and took a deep breath to steel myself.

"How did you know Mom was the one? I mean, at the time?"

His eyes got big and he opened and closed his mouth silently a few times. Then he turned down the basketball game and looked up at the ceiling. Finally, just when I'd become concerned that my question had gone too far and sent him into a catatonic state, he looked at me and sighed.

"Well, now, that's a good question. It's hard to explain. I guess…I guess I just felt it. I was pretty quiet and reserved—I bet you can't imagine that—and I didn't have a lot of experience with women. But your mom brought out a side of me that no one else did. She was my perfect opposite in ways that made sense, but she understood me better than anyone else. We just clicked. She made me happy in a way that no one else ever had. Or ever has since, I guess."

I was almost afraid to ask, but I had to. "Is that why you never remarried?"

He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Wow. Um, well, yeah. Marriage is a big commitment. It should be forever. But it can only be forever—and happy forever—if it's with the right person at the right time. Rushing into something or trying to force it with the wrong person will never end well. I guess that your mom was the right person for me, but I was the wrong person for her. Or maybe I was the right person at the wrong time. Heck, I may have even been the wrong person at the wrong time."

He chuckled and shook his head.

"Basically, Bells, I just never found someone who was the right one at the right time. So I didn't push it. I'm happier by myself, anyway."

I nodded. It made sense, even though I was experiencing the opposite problem: I'd found two right people at the same right time. It seemed oddly unfair that my dad had never found one and I was juggling two.

"Is this about Jake and Edward?"

I didn't look up. I couldn't.

He sighed. "I know I've been hard on Edward, but they're both good guys, and they'd both take good care of you. I'm not saying you have to choose the one now that you'll be with forever—you're much too young for that. But if you have to pick one now, choose the one that makes you feel like the best version of yourself. You'll never be sorry if you do that."

**. . . . .**

_Edward. Jake. Edward. Jake. Edward. Jake._

My mind changed with every tick of the clock.

How was I supposed to choose? How was I supposed to know what course to set myself on?

One way was certain, or so I'd thought. Since the moment I met Edward, I'd known we were meant to be together. His lifestyle, what he was—what all of the Cullens were—called to me. I wanted to be one of them. I wanted to be beautiful, graceful, fast, strong, immortal. I wanted to be Edward's and be with Edward forever.

But there was that other possibility, the one that's existence I'd ignored for so long. The choice that was dark, exciting, warm. The path that led to Jacob. I knew he loved me. I'd always known it. And I'd always ignored it and pretended that we could go on forever, just being friends. But now it was becoming obvious that 'just friends' wasn't going to work for us. Wasn't working for us. Because that one starry night I'd crossed that imaginary line I'd drawn, the one between friendship and love. And what I'd found across that boundary was beautiful, sweet and surprising.

Perfect.

So much about Jacob was perfect. But not all perfect. Perhaps most surprising was that it was exactly those imperfections that drew me. With Jacob, I didn't have to be perfect, either. I didn't look in the mirror and see more of my flaws after being with him. I didn't hear the words I spoke and cringe. I didn't feel clumsier with him, or see myself as damaged when I looked at myself through his eyes. I didn't have to change who I was to be with him.

He wanted me the way I was. The way we were. Already. Now. Forever. Or at least as forever as humans could have.

_Humans._

I sighed at the word. Was I changing my mind about wanting to change who I was?

**. . . . .**


	18. Chapter 18

**. . . . .**

Jake's motorcycle tore over the tree-lined road. I held on tight, my arms wrapped around his torso and my knees gripping his thighs. The wind ripped into me despite my leather jacket and helmet, and I buried my face against his back.

I could feel the spatter of rain drops as they beat into us at seventy miles an hour. Jake took one hand off of the handles and wrapped his arm awkwardly behind me, pulling me closer to him and shielding me further from the biting wind.

The rain picked up and I could feel it dripping down the back of my helmet and into the collar of my jacket. We pulled off into a thick grove and Jake hopped off the bike, wheeling it—and me—deeper into the woods where the trees blocked the rain.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I had no idea it was going to rain like this. I wouldn't have dragged you out here if I'd known." He looked worried.

I pulled off my helmet and shook out my hair, combing my fingers between the dry top and the damp, wind-whipped ends. "It's ok. It's warmer now that we've stopped."

Jake dug in the saddle bag and pulled out a rainproof blanket.

"Here," he said, draping it over my shoulders. "It won't do much, but it will help. We'll head back home when the rain slows down and get you into some warmer clothes."

"It's really ok. I'm fine." I hopped off of the bike and tried to put on a brave face. I was freezing.

"Here, it'll be warmer in here." Jacob backed into a thicker grove of trees, a natural wind-block from the breeze that was coursing through the undergrowth.

He opened up his jacket and pulled me inside, tucking me in the incredible warmth of his body. I leaned closer to him, allowing him to envelop me in his coat. One breath of him and my hard-fought resolve broke. I tilted my face up toward his and he brought his lips softly against mine.

I inadvertently groaned and took a step closer. I knew I was letting myself slip too far, but I didn't care.

Jacob took the opportunity. His hands slid up under my jacket, and he fumbled for skin. Pulling up the back of my shirt, his hands covered the small of my back, making my skin instantly hot and giving me goose bumps at the same time. I pressed into him and nibbled on his bottom lip. His breathing became heavier, and his hands shifted lower. Our kissing became frantic and soon we were gasping for breath but not wanting to come up for air.

A crack of thunder sounded like it was coming from all around us and the storm instantly got worse. The rain poured down, drenching us until we could no longer ignore it.

Jacob took off his jacket, put it over my head and ducked out of sight into the trees. He returned and pulled me after him. "There's a hollowed-out tree over here that someone had been camping in, it looks pretty watertight."

I followed him, stepping in a puddle and soaking my left foot to the ankle. The dead tree was huge, with a wide opening that expanded into a cozy, protected room. Someone had covered one corner of the floor with pine needles and had staked out a campfire pit with large rocks in the other corner. A pile of dry wood lined the inside of the makeshift doorway. Jake settled me on the pine needle bed, wrapped me in his jacket and the blanket and told me to sit tight.

He set up several large pieces of wood, filled in the gaps with small pieces, stuffed in some pine needles and lit them with a lighter from his pocket.

"I thought Billy was the fire mastermind. You never told me _you_ were a boy scout, too," I teased, my teeth chattering.

"Hardly," he laughed. "Just thousands of years of evolution, baby. My people have been surviving like this forever."

He made sure the fire was burning evenly but not too big, and then he came over to where I was. I didn't know if I should hope to start up where we'd left off or pretend nothing had happened.

"You're freezing!" Jake wrapped his arm around me and scooted me closer to him. When I didn't resist, he pulled me onto his lap. I could feel the heat from the fire soaking into my front and Jacob's unreal warmth radiating into my back. I snuggled into him and listened to the sounds of his breathing and the rain pouring down outside. The minutes ticked by silently, and I wasn't sure I'd ever been so content.

I kicked off my shoes and dropped the blanket off to our side as the room heated up.

"Hey, this isn't too bad," I smiled. "Much better than driving in the rain."

"Bella, was I wrong to kiss you?" Jacob's question caught me off guard.

"Wrong?" I didn't know how to answer him. Could anything that felt so right ever be wrong? But I knew what he meant. Wrong because of me and Edward. Wrong because of all of the history Jake and I shared. Wrong because of my demands that we were just friends. Wrong because I was supposedly in love with and planning to marry his mortal enemy, the man who was eventually going to turn me into Jacob's natural enemy, too. Wrong because I'd pushed back so hard against this exact thing.

I turned to the side and dangled my legs off to Jake's left. His arms were still wrapped around me. I looked him full in the face. I blushed. "It didn't feel wrong." Then, I didn't mean to say it, but I did: "Nothing ever feels wrong with you."

He moved in for another kiss, and neither of us closed our eyes. It was electric. We became a fury of hands and mouths, gulping and grabbing everything we could get. I lost track of time, wrapped up in our universe of two. His mouth on mine, my hands on his chest, his fingers pulling through my hair. The fire and Jacob's warmth made the small space unbearably hot and sweat dripped off of both of us.

I slid my left leg across Jacob's lap and faced him, my knees on either side of his thighs. He pulled me in by the lapels of my jacket and our mouths crushed together. I leaned back and grabbed the bottom of his tee-shirt, pulling it over his head and kissing down the front of his chest. He exhaled sharply and tipped his head back. My lips felt bruised and raw. He tasted like salt and smoke, and I couldn't get enough.

He eased the jacket off of me, kissing and nibbling at my neck, slowly pulling my sweater over my head, leaving me panting in my camisole. His hands ran over my shoulders, my back, pulling up under the too-tight top. He tasted the skin on my shoulders, my collar bone, just under the top seam of the camisole. Knowing he wouldn't take the initiative without my permission, I peeled off the small white top, throwing it in the growing pile of clothes next to us. Jacob stopped moving and pulled back slightly, staring me in the eyes.

"Bella..."

"Shut up." I put my left hand gently over his mouth, knelt over his lap and pushed him sideways onto the blanket. Leaning over him, my damp hair swirled around his face as our lips met. I fumbled at his belt buckle, and when I was too frustrated to make it work, he deftly unhooked it with one hand, his other hand tucked in the back waistband of my jeans. He kissed down my torso, his hot hands burning the skin along my back and stomach. My hands worked at the button and zipper of his jeans, and he rolled over, pinning me under him and stilling my hands.

"Bella. Please. I just want to be sure this is what you really want. You know how I feel about you, but I need to make sure you feel this way about me. That this isn't a big mistake." His face was serious, insistent. "I couldn't take it if you backed away again. Not after this."

I wrapped my legs around his hips and leaned up to kiss him, knotting my hands in the back of his hair, pulling him back down on top of me.

Thunder cracked and rolled outside as inside we said without words so much that we'd been holding back.

**. . . . .**


	19. Chapter 19

**. . . . .**

A family emergency in Alaska called the Cullens away. Or so said the note Edward left on the front seat of my truck.

The hastily-written note was shaky, the hurried script rough and out-of-character. It also said he'd be back soon, and to be safe while he was gone. His disappearing act had been increasing lately, so part of me didn't even register his absence.

Except, for the first time, I wasn't sorry to have Edward gone. I couldn't face him right now. It hurt my heart to look at him. His presence made my decision—or lack of one—too obvious to ignore.

So, while he was gone, I let go of all of the decision-making and angst and just let myself revel in the perfection that was Jacob Black.

**. . . . .**

It was Billy's birthday, and Jake had convinced me to cook a big birthday dinner for the four of us.

"You know how much my dad loves your steaks. It would be the best gift we could give him. I'll buy the ingredients and you throw it together and we can say it's from both of us."

He was so adorable that I couldn't say no.

So here we were, walking up and down the aisles of the Forks grocery store. Jake was pushing the heaped-up cart, piling in random things that had nothing to do with the steak-potatoes-wilted greens dinner I had planned.

I laughed and shook my head as he grabbed three boxes of Fruity Pebbles and tried to stack them on the already-overfilled cart.

I realized Jacob was staring at me. I blushed and looked down, away from his burning gaze.

"Kiss me."

His voice was low, throaty. Almost a growl.

"What? Here?" I looked around nervously. "Someone will see."

Jacob ignored me and stepped forward, clasping his hands around my waist and tilting his face toward mine. I resisted, but I was weak. It was too hard to be strong when he was so close to me.

His woodsy smell surrounded me and the heat from his hands soaked through my tee-shirt. I forgot to stand firm and melted into him, letting the feel of his lips on mine soak through me. I remembered our afternoon in the woods the day before, and my breath quickened.

An old lady turned her cart down the aisle and stopped short. I heard her click in disgust before she backed her cart out of the row.

I pulled away slightly, embarrassed.

"Jake, I can't just kiss you in public. You're not my boyfriend."

"We can change that you know." He gave me a sideways smile and then moved in again._ "You_ can change that."

I put my hands up against his chest and pushed back slightly. I tried to give him my serious-face, but he shook his head and the corners of his mouth curled up.

"I'm not afraid of your rejection, Bella Swan. I know you want me. I can feel it." He winked and backed me up against the shelves of cereal. His hands in my hair, his mouth on mine, his tongue lightly running against my lips. I breathed out and found my arms around his neck. I returned his kiss, deepened it. He whimpered lightly and pressed his body flush against mine.

"Can I help you kids find something?" A tired-looking store employee glared at us from the aisle opening.

We pulled apart quickly, and I put my hand up to my mouth nervously. I could tell that I was three hundred shades of red.

"No, thank you, ma'am. We were just trying to choose between, um, Special K and, uh, Cookie Crisp." Jacob held up a box in each hand and smiled innocently.

The clerk glowered at him and turned away silently.

I started giggling as Jacob shrugged and put both cereal boxes in the cart.

"Fine then, we'll take both."

He patted me gently on the rear and moved past me, pushing the cart out ahead.

**. . . . .**

"I love you, Bella," Jake looked up from under the hood of his Rabbit. A smear of grease darkened his cheek and his forehead glistened with sweat.

I stood there, dumbly, holding two root beers. I'd heard him, but the words made no sense.

"What?"

"I love you." He put down his wrench and turned to face me. But he stayed where he was, leaning heavily against the small red car. His arm came up, and he wiped the sweat off his face with his forearm. He was wearing a black wifebeater and his bare arms and the top of his chest glistened in the light of the work lamp.

I was glued to my spot, still staring at him with my mouth open.

"You know that, Bella. It's not the first time I've told you that."

"I—I know. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. Not now. Not after… after what's happened."

"Things have changed, I can tell. That's why I'm telling you again. I love you and I want to be with you. I want you to choose me. For once and for all. Come clean, Bella. Tell me how you really feel." He stepped toward me, reached me in two long strides. His hand tipped my chin up to look at him. "Tell me."

I couldn't answer. The root beers were freezing my hands, and my head felt as numb as my fingers.

"Bella, do you love me?" He took the bottles out of my hand and set them on the workbench without breaking eye contact with me. I stared at him like a deer in the headlights. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I felt. I felt trapped, that's what I felt. I felt too far away from making such a big declaration. Such a game-changing statement.

"Jake, don't."

His chin jutted out and his eyes sparked.

"No, Bella. We need to talk about this." He grabbed for my shoulders and I stepped backwards just out of his reach.

"Jake! Don't!"

He looked angry now.

"Don't you think I have a right to know what you're thinking? Come on, Bella. This isn't right. Sneaking around behind Edw—"

"Jake!" I screamed, jerking forward and pounding both of my fists into his chest. I couldn't hear that name, couldn't think about him. "Stop it! I can't talk about this right now!"

He grabbed my hands and I jerked backward, hard. My backside smashed up against the workbench, sending the bottles of pop rolling across the table and crashing to the garage floor. I tried to punch at him, but his hands were clenched around my wrists so tightly I couldn't move my arms. Jake gritted his teeth and the words struck out at me through his tight lips.

"No. You _will_ talk about this right now. _We_ will talk about this right now. You can't keep on dating Edward during the day and making out with me on the side. It isn't fair. To either of us. To _any_ of us. Who is it going to be, Bella? Me or him."

I looked past him and he shook me sharply.

"Do you love me Bella? Like _that_?"

He shook me again and I glared into his black eyes.

I spit out the word with all the anger and hate I could muster. "No."

"Could you… ever… love me?" He was whispering now, his lips quivering.

"No." I was whispering, too, but the word rang in my ears like a shout.

Jacob's hands dropped my wrists, leaving white marks where his fingers had crushed into my skin. He backed up and then turned and walked out of the garage. I heard the screen door of their house slam.

It was deathly quiet, even the crickets outside were afraid to make noise.

I stared blankly at the foamy mess on the garage floor until all of the bubbles had disappeared. Then I picked up my backpack and got into my truck. The engine choked and sputtered to life and I drove home. I wanted to die. I'd ruined it all. Jake and I would never be the same again.

**. . . . .**

My bed was cold and my soul felt colder. I shivered and wrapped the blankets tighter around me, replaying the ugly confrontation over and over in my head. I'd hurt him beyond repair.

And the worst part was that I'd lied.

When he asked me if I could ever love him, I told him no. And it was a total and complete lie.

But not because I never could love him. It's that I already do. I'm just too stubborn and too scared to tell him.

I can't marry Edward. I'm in love with Jacob.

**. . . . .**


	20. Chapter 20

**. . . . .**

I've always been set in my ways—I chart my path and go with it. And it usually works for me. There's so much less confusion when you make up your mind and then stick to the plan. So, naturally, that's what I did when I fell in love with Edward.

I was sure I'd never want anything as much as I wanted him, and so I pledged myself to him and promised him forever.

But now I'm seeing what Charlie—and maybe my heart—had been trying to tell me all along. That 16, 17, even 18 is too young to make such a life-altering decision.

**. . . . .**

I don't have many memories of Jacob from when we were young, and the few I do have are just fuzzy recollections of us playing—or, more often, him spying on me playing with his sisters. However, I do remember every moment we've spent together since I moved back to Forks. Back to Charlie. And back to Jacob.

I can close my eyes and see the first time he came to see me—and his truck—just as I was getting re-settled here. His beautiful brown skin, long hair and wide white smile are burned into my memory. Even then, practically strangers, I could tell he was a gentle soul, someone I wouldn't want to have to live without.

So why am I trying so hard to push him away?

Maybe it's because Jacob is the one who truly sees me for who I am. And that's scary. With Charlie, with my mom, even with Edward—especially with Edward?—I have to be careful with what I let out. It's comfortable, though, keeping people at a distance. Not letting anyone see what's really going on in my head. It saves me from so much sadness and frustration. From disappointing them by showing them who—what—I really am. Still, I'm so afraid of letting them down that I never let down my guard.

But it's different with Jacob.

No matter how much I try to hide it, he sees me. But there's a sense of unconditional acceptance; and maybe that's the love I've been missing. Because with Jacob, I don't have to be anyone but me. There's no pretending I'm fine when I'm not, and no trying to please. It seems that everything I do, everything I am already pleases him. Just the way I am.

And that feels good. Better than good.

More like perfect.

So why am I trying so hard to push him away?

**. . . . .**

His hands were in my hair and his breath on my neck. I whimpered and pushed up against him, pressing our faces closer. I hungrily pulled his bottom lip between my teeth.

The bed creaked and woke me, tearing me away from my imaginary bliss.

But I could still feel him near, his hands in my hair, his breath still hot on my neck. Groggily, I blinked back the sleep from my eyes. Jacob's form was dark against the backdrop of my ceiling; his knees were on either side of me and his chest was hovering so close that I could feel him through my thin nightshirt.

Surprised and more alert, I tried to sit up.

He gently pushed me back to the pillow and pressed his face into my neck, moaning as he inhaled my scent.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed, trying to wriggle out from underneath him, unsure whether I was angry or wanted him to keep going.

He didn't answer with words, just kissed harder and aligned his body flush with mine, just a few layers of fabric between us.

"Jacob!" My whisper was strained as I tried to force his weight off of me. He did a half-push up over me, and I could see his smile in the soft light streaming in through the window.

"You can't just sneak in here and make out with me in my sleep!"

"Why? Are you afraid _he_ might be watching? Because I'm definitely quiet enough to not wake Charlie. That is, unless _you_ can't keep quiet..." His insinuation made me roll my eyes.

"Regardless of who is watching, this is slightly disturbing behavior—creeping into girls' rooms at night and crawling into bed with them." I couldn't help but smile though.

He slid off of me and curled up on his side, his body winding around mine. His arm stayed stretched across me, his hand tight on the left side of my ribs.

"I actually came to apologize for the other night. I shouldn't have tried to force you to say you loved me. It wasn't fair."

I dropped my gaze, glad he wasn't angry with me but confused as to why he was starting up exactly where he'd left off—even with my blatant rejection.

He kissed my forehead and forged on. "I didn't really mean to kiss you or crawl into bed with you—I just couldn't help it. I don't care if you aren't ready to pick me. I had to do it. And you sure didn't seem to mind. I actually thought you were awake for a minute."

"Oh, great!" I snickered into the darkness, happy for the lightened mood and for the fact that I apparently didn't need to apologize for my behavior last time we were together. "I'm so good at making out that you can't tell if I'm awake or sleeping."

"No, you were making those cute little noises that I like so much."

I blushed and bit my lip. I hoped that I hadn't said anything incriminating in my unconscious state.

"I was dreaming."

"Hmmm…" He nuzzled into my neck and pulled back before speaking. "Then it had better have been me you were dreaming about. It seemed pretty… good."

I turned my face away to hide my smile and my embarrassment.

"It was me, wasn't it?" He was astride me again, his hands holding my wrists up above my head on the pillow. I playfully pushed back and he ducked down to kiss me. His full lips tasted like the night air and I knew he'd been running.

It was comforting to me how I just knew him, how everything about him felt like home to me. I smiled as his lips made their way down my cheek, my neck, my collar bone and stopped just inside the v-neck of my tee shirt before moving back up to my lips. He let go of my wrists and I pressed my hands against the thick muscles on his back. I pulled him toward me and groaned again, this time glad that I wasn't dreaming.

**. . . . .**


	21. Chapter 21

**. . . . .**

Edward had invited me over for game night with his family. Which was usually a great time, but tonight everything felt wrong.

Edward seemed distant, Emmett was purposely not beating us by the usual 500 points, Jasper wouldn't make eye contact with either one of us, and Alice was being overly helpful. Even Esme and Carlisle were off.

Most awkwardly of all, Rosalie was actually being friendly.

I was sure Edward had told them that we were on the outs. Did they know something I didn't know? Was he going to break up with me? Or, worse yet, had Alice seen something that gave away my clandestine meetings with Jacob? Had she told Edward—or had he just seen it? My cheeks burned just thinking about any one of the hundreds of moments over the last few weeks that would turn our world upside down if Edward knew about them.

The round ended, and Emmet, Edward, Jasper and Carlisle's team had won. No one seemed to care. We all sat woodenly, staring at the pile of cards and game pieces in front of us. I could feel Jasper staring, and I briefly wondered if he was trying to influence my mood. I could usually tell, but sometimes he was sneaky. I couldn't figure out what he'd emotion be trying to change, since I didn't seem to be any more out-of-sorts than the rest of them, so I let the suspicion slide.

I hadn't wanted to go in the first place, but I had accepted Edward's invitation to keep up appearances. He was still my boyfriend, after all. But now seemed like the perfect time to make my escape.

I faked a yawn and stretched my arms up over my head. "It's getting late, I should go."

Everyone looked relieved, and several of them pushed back their chairs as if they'd been anticipating—hoping for?—my departure.

"Well, Bella, it was nice to see you. We should do this again soon," Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder and I involuntarily flinched. He was so kind. I'd die if he knew how I had betrayed his son. How I had betrayed their entire family and all of the goodness and love they'd gifted me with.

I hugged Alice goodbye and bid everyone else goodnight. Edward slipped my jacket over my arms and walked me to my truck. He opened the door for me, but held my sleeve so I couldn't get in. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me and gave me a tight hug. I felt like I was suffocating, and I wasn't sure if it was love or punishment.

He kissed my head and sighed. "I love you. Have… have a good night." A wistful glance passed over his face like a shadow, and it made me sad to see him so dejected. I knew it was all my fault. I got into the truck and turned up the heat. He stood at the edge of the driveway until I turned the bend and could no longer see him standing there in my rearview mirror.

**. . . . .**

I turned right instead of left out of the Cullens' driveway. I didn't mean to, but I let the road take me to the reservation. I parked outside of Jacob's house. All of the lights were off except for the one in his bedroom. His shadow darkened the shade for just a moment, and then disappeared.

The front door inched open. He stood on the step, waiting as I cut the engine.

He reached for me as I came up the walk, and enveloped me in his arms without a word. His lips pressed against the top of my head, my forehead, my cheek, my lips. I hungrily kissed him back. He reached down, scooped me up and carried me into his room.

We collapsed on the bed, shedding shoes and jackets, extra layers of clothing that kept us apart, struggling to muffle our kisses and giggles and moans so Billy wouldn't hear.

**. . . . .**

The next afternoon, Edward and I sat at the kitchen table. I was staring blankly at my English homework. He was staring at me. I could feel his eyes burning into me, trying to hear what I was thinking. I was glad he couldn't, because even I was sick of hearing my thoughts.

I was so torn. The life that I thought I'd wanted, that I'd committed myself to, was sitting right in front of me. A forever future with the man of my dreams. Romantic, passionate, perfect. Edward.

But this new, alternate future was warm, exciting, adrenaline-filled. Jacob-filled. And something about him tugged at my heart in ways that Edward never had.

Now that I'd been doing more than just thinking about him, my connection to Jacob was stronger than ever. Before, it had been just an emotional attachment. Now—after holding hands, kissing, torrid make-out sessions—it was becoming a physical one. That was a bond Edward hadn't allowed me to create with him. I understood the reasons, but being so close to Jacob—skin-on-skin—gave our relationship a depth I couldn't have with Edward. That expression of love was one I needed to feel whole, and I hadn't realized how deprived of physical affection I was. Or how hard it was to fully express my love without being allowed to say it in ways other than just words.

"Bella? Is something bothering you?" Edward asked, but I knew he didn't need to. He could tell. I shut my book with a sigh and scooted my chair backward, scraping the legs along the floor.

"I'm fine. It's the weather or something. It's making me sad. Or something. I don't know."

I sat on the edge of my chair and stared at my shoes. One lace was coming untied. It felt like my whole world was coming untied.

"Do you want to do something else? We could… play a game?" Edward looked as lost as I felt. I didn't want to do anything. Well, I wanted to cry, but that wasn't really an activity for two.

Suddenly his face snapped to the left, but I could see nothing out the window but the neighbor kids chasing their dog around the yard.

"Seriously?" Edward's anger sparked, then he checked himself and his face softened.

I looked at him for a clue, and out of the corner of my eye saw Jacob's Rabbit pull into the driveway. This was not happening. I closed my eyes and hoped it would all go away.

But it was happening, and Jacob wasn't going away. Instead, he got out of his car, walked past Edward's Volvo like he didn't see it, and let himself into the house. He'd never done that before, and it irked me. _What was he up to?_

Jake was talking before he even rounded the corner into the kitchen. "You forgot your sweater at my house last night… Oh. Hi, Edward." He barely managed to mask his smile.

I stared at him in disbelief. _What on earth was he trying to pull?_

Edward looked at me, and then at Jacob. His body stiffened and his nostrils flared. I knew he was seeing everything Jacob was thinking. And I didn't need to read Jacob's mind to know what he was thinking about.

Edward stood abruptly, knocking the kitchen chair into the wall with a bang. His hands balled into fists at his side and a hiss escaped his lips. Jacob stepped forward aggressively, his fists ready and jaw set.

Edward finally broke from their shared death stare and glanced at me. I was frozen. Watching the two of them face off like this broke my heart because I knew it was breaking theirs'. Edward backed up a step and stuffed his hands in his pocket , trying to hide his anger.

"I'll see you tomorrow at school, Bella." He didn't look at me again before he left. I stood, rooted to the floor.

When his car was out of sight, I turned on Jacob.

"That wasn't fair, Jacob. You knew he'd be here—you _saw_ he was here. You knew that would hurt him."

"All's fair in love and war, Bella," Jacob growled between his teeth, leaning in closer with every word, his eyes flaming.

"This is my _life_, Jacob. It isn't a war," I tried to push him away, but his immovability just stoked my anger.

He stared hard at me. "For me it is."

"Just leave." I'd lost the will to fight and slumped down on the floor next to the refrigerator.

The door slammed and I buried my face in my arms and cried.

**. . . . .**


	22. Chapter 22

**. . . . .**

The sun filtered through the trees and the breeze was warm and soft. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, looking up into a patch of sunlight. I still couldn't say that I loved the weather in Forks, but it was hard to complain on days like this.

On days like this, when I could escape the drama I was creating for myself and pretend everything was the way it had been.

I shrugged out of my light jacket and tied it around my waist. Hiking with the Cullens was always a strangely exhausting-yet-exhilarating experience. Since the seven of them were indefatigable, it was always up to me to tell them when I was too tired to go on. I'd often get Edward or one of them to carry me for a distance, which gave me a chance to go farther and see things that I would have never gotten to see without them.

This particular day, we'd headed into an area I hadn't been before. It was north of the La Push, so it was technically Quileute territory, but Carlisle had asked for and gotten Sam's approval to hike, provided no one hunted.

We'd been out since mid-morning and the sun was high in the sky. I pulled a sandwich from my jacket pocket and chewed it while I walked, since no one else needed to stop for lunch. Edward was by my side, basking in the spotty sunlight. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and admired his luminous skin. He was so beautiful, he hurt my eyes.

He'd been unbelievably patient and forgiving through all of my indecision, and for some reason, that was part of the reason I couldn't stop coming back to him. The guilt of my indiscretions weighed me down, but Edward's refusal to punish me made me feel strangely indebted to him. If he had been angry or tried to push me into making a decision, it would have been easier for me to choose Jacob outright. But somehow the kindness he was showing me despite knowing what I'd been doing behind his back proved what I'd long thought: that I was too flawed to be with him, and that his acceptance was what I needed to absolve my sins.

I wasn't good enough to be with him—and even less worthy of his love now—but his unrelenting and unconditional love pulled me toward him. It was as if my heart felt that I owed him a debt of eternal gratitude. I couldn't turn away from the one who accepted me despite my great flaws.

The sound of Rosalie and Emmett racing around us high up in the trees broke my reverie. She was teasing and laughing, keeping just out of his reach. Every now and again, a large pinecone or branch would fall, signaling where they had just been.

Alice and Jasper were alternately racing ahead and then returning to where we were. Then they'd be off again, searching out new trails before coming back to check on us. And Esme and Carlile were acting like kids, running and chasing, smooching behind big trees and laughing at private jokes. It was easy to see the incredible love they shared.

I reached for Edward's hand and tipped my head against his shoulder. He kissed my hair.

Times like this, I questioned how I could ever reject his love and care. Edward would keep me safe. He'd love me forever. What more could a girl want?

I tried to push the questions, rebuttals and confusion out of my head. I still wanted this. I wanted Edward. Now and forever.

Didn't I?

**. . . . .**

The terrain was rockier than it had been, and I had to concentrate to not twist an ankle or slip.

"Do you want a lift?" Edward looked concerned.

I appreciated it, but was half-way irked that he always felt the need to take responsibility for my klutziness.

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. I just have to slow down a little on this shaley rock. It's slippery."

We were going uphill again, and I was panting. Edward was gently taunting me, stepping a few paces in front of me, just an inch farther than my fingers would reach. I laughed and lunged for him, slipping. He caught me before my knee hit the ground and set me right, shaking his head.

"Hey, you're the one making me rush!" I needled him, much to his satisfaction. "I'd be just fine if I didn't have this compulsion to touch you, or if you'd stay where I can reach you."

He grabbed me around the waist and lifted me up for a kiss, setting my hiking boots carefully back onto the ground.

A steep, stony climb rose up in front of us. "I think we need ropes," I joked, surveying the sharp grade.

"Baby, you don't need ropes when you have me!" He laughed and motioned for me to climb on his back.

"No, really, I've got it. I like this part." I put a foot up on a rock and started climbing. The stones were big and solidly embedded in the hillside, and the climb wasn't too hard. I was enjoying the puzzle, testing out a rock, a handhold, a foothold and hefting myself up. Edward was patiently watching my every move, ready to swoop in at the first sign of danger.

Half-way up the ascent, Rosalie made an appearance fifty feet above us. She was laughing and hollering something back to Emmett about being slow. Rosalie knocked down a pinecone that landed a few feet in front of me. Edward looked up and laughed, calling out to her.

"Hey Rose, what are you trying to do? Kill us?"

She paused, hanging lightly on the edge of a massive tree. "I'd love to kill you, Eddie, but you're already dead." She cackled and flipped him off, squealing as she dived out of sight.

"Oh, that's it!" He feigned anger and sprung up after her, chasing her deep into the forest in a blur.

Just then, Emmett appeared overhead, chasing behind them. As he swung over me, he glanced off of a large dead branch. It cracked and I looked up just in time to see it falling.

There was nowhere to go, and I screamed and reflexively put my hands up over my head, waiting for the impact.

But the impact I felt was from the side, and it didn't hurt, only knocked the wind out of me as it pushed me sideways. All I could see was a blur of brown.

Jacob.

By the time I realized what was happening, it was over and I was sitting on the ground a hundred yards from where I'd started. Jacob stepped out from behind a tree, freshly dressed and still zipping up his shorts.

"You ok, Bells?" He looked anxious.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I think. Thanks to you. Where'd you come from?"

Edward was suddenly there, kneeling over me, touching my face.

"Bella. Are you alright?"

"Yeah. I am. I feel fine. Nothing happened. I mean, Jake got me out of the way before anything could happen."

Alice and Jasper were immediately next to us, followed quickly by Rosalie, Emmett, Esme and Carlisle.

"What happened?" Alice looked frightened.

"Nothing. I'm fine. A branch fell out of a tree, and I couldn't get out of the way. But Jacob moved me out of the way. It's no big deal."

"It is a big deal, Bella. You could have been seriously injured." Edward looked angry or frightened. Or both.

"Yeah, Bella. If I hadn't been here, that log would have crushed you. And they were all too busy to protect you." Jacob stepped forward and Edward hissed at him. He didn't flinch.

"Stop it, Jake. It was an accident." I was getting angry now, and I felt my face turning red. I appreciated his help, but not at the expense of making everyone else feel guilty.

"Not really. This oaf kicked it down on top of you and no one even saw it but me. It's a good thing I was close."

"I did this?" Emmett looked paler than usual.

"It's fine, Emmett. I'm fine. It fell when you ran past, but it's not your fault. Besides, _nothing happened_."

Edward glared first at Jacob and then at Alice. "Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?"

She looked hurt at the sudden attack. "I didn't tell you because I didn't see it."

"You didn't see it?" Edward looked doubtful.

"No. Probably because I can't see past _him_." She gestured at Jacob and turned her back to him. "If he hadn't been lurking in the woods, I probably would have seen it far enough ahead of time to warn you and Emmett. It never would have happened."

"_Nothing happened!_" I shouted.

"Probably." Jacob interrupted, spitting out the word contentiously.

"Jacob! Stop it! You're just causing trouble. You know it was an accident; no one was trying to hurt me on purpose. Stuff happens. It's me, remember? I'm like an accident magnet." I tried to smile, but it came out looking like a grimace.

Instead, I stood up and shook myself off. "Let's keep going."

Edward and Jacob looked at me like I was crazy.

"No." They both said it at the same time and turned in unison to glare at each other. It would have been funny if it wasn't so frustrating.

"_You_ can't protect her," Jacob accused.

"_You're_ spying on us and stalking her," Edward shot back.

"Guys! Enough!" I looked to Carlisle, but his eyes were fixed on Edward.

Then, as if on a silent cue, everyone backed up and disappeared, leaving me standing in the woods with Edward and Jacob. I wanted to disappear, too, and wished someone had invited me on their sudden departure.

The two of them were staring, wordlessly. Both took a step forward at the same time, fists clenched. Edward hissed and Jacob growled.

I threw myself down backwards, landing with a thud on the dirt and pine needles. I couldn't believe this. They were actually going to fight over something that hadn't even happened. I was so angry I couldn't even watch. I didn't think I cared if they tore each other limb from limb. I jammed my palms into my closed eyes until I saw colors and shapes.

They ignored my charade of frustration.

Jacob was the first to speak. "You _know_ I can take care of her. Probably better than you can."

"I'll admit that you can take care of her, but not better than I." Edward sounded bitter, and I could tell he was talking through gritted teeth.

"Well, this should be proof of that. If I hadn't been here, she'd have been in big trouble."

"If you hadn't been here, Alice would have seen what was going to happen and there would have been no need for a rescue of any kind." I listened to Edward argue back while my view of the insides of my eyelids changed from hot pink to a swirl of black and white.

"If I hadn't been here, she'd be smashed into the dirt by a freaking log that your leach brother kicked out of a tree," Jacob spit back. I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on the kaleidoscope in front of my eyes rather than their vitriol. I was so done.

"So maybe it's just time I back off and let you have her."

I couldn't tell if Edward's comment was a question or a statement. I sat up suddenly and blood rushed to my head.

"You know she's falling for me." Jacob stared at Edward with a half-grimace-half-grin and Edward stared back, his nostrils flaring in composed anger. I knew Jacob was showing him. Showing him everything I so desperately wanted to keep a secret.

"You think I don't already know that? You think I don't know what's been going on? What you've been doing?"

I closed my eyes and pretended I was dead.

"If you already know all of it—if you know how she feels—why are you still hanging onto her?" Jacob's voice softened until it was almost a plea.

Edward took an unnecessary deep breath. I held my breath until he spoke.

"Because it's her decision to make. I tried to force her to make a decision once, and it was a disaster. I almost got myself killed and she put herself in mortal danger to save me. I won't do that to her again. My whole purpose is to keep her safe. So I'm here—I'm hers—until she orders me away. And when she tells me she's done with me, when she asks me to go, I will. But not an instant before then."

They were so quiet for so long that I opened my eyes. Jacob was gone and Edward was standing with his back to me.

I didn't move. I couldn't.

**. . . . .**

I couldn't sleep that night. Every time I shut my eyes, I kept seeing Edward and Jacob facing off in the woods. Hurt, angry, fighting over me.

Edward's words echoed in my head, in my heart.

"_When she tells me she's done with me, when she asks me to go…"_

I didn't know what I wanted. Why did he have to sound so certain?

**. . . . .**


	23. Chapter 23

**. . . . .**

Edward knew what he knew, it was too late to change that. And now he certainly knew I'd been sneaking around behind his back. Before, I had guessed that Alice was able to see through Jacob's presence enough to have witnessed some of my antics, and I was positive Jacob had taken every opportunity to exploit Edward's ability to see into his mind. I could just about imagine the movie he played for Edward every time the two were in close proximity. But now I knew for sure that Edward was on to me. The damage was done, and I couldn't undo it.

Strangely, there was a part of me that didn't want to undo it.

At first, I'd tried to cater to Edward, to tip-toe around his hurt feelings. But it was hard. I was bitter that he wasn't fighting for me. Twice, he'd walked away and left me to Jacob. In the woods, he'd all but told Jacob he'd given up on me and that Jacob had won.

And Edward wasn't making it easy for me to feel guilty, to feel the need to repent. In fact, after Jacob's little performance, Edward seemed calmer and more resigned to whatever happened. And there had been more than a few moments that made it almost seem like he didn't want us to happen anymore. Like maybe he knew for sure that we weren't going to be.

Worse yet, there was a bigger and bigger part of my heart and mind that kept urging me to just let go and be with Jacob already.

I shook off the thought whenever it hit my conscious mind, and I forced myself to think about my future with Edward as if there were no other option—I had made a promise to Edward and I was determined to honor it—but there was nothing I could do to dissuade the dreams that bombarded me when I was unconscious. From the time my head hit the pillow until my alarm rang in the morning, my head and heart screamed for Jacob.

The bitter taste of losing everything I thought I'd ever want mingled with the sweetness of these new and ever-stronger feelings I was having for Jacob.

Being torn in two directions was practically killing me.

**. . . . .**

"You don't want this, Bella."

Rosalie and I were the only ones in the living room, curled up on opposite ends of the huge leather couch with books in our hands.

"What?" I looked around, confused.

"This. To be like us. You don't really want it." Her expression was softer than usual, and she was squinting a little. "It sounds romantic, and maybe it is—to be with that one person forever—but this isn't natural. It isn't the way life should be. And I don't think the end result is worth the costs."

"What do you mean, the costs?" I leaned in, it wasn't often Rose and I had anything even remotely resembling a heart-to-heart talk. She usually just sniped at me behind my back.

"You know, all of the normal human things we have to miss out on, the danger of being discovered, the constant effort to look more human and less like stone. The children I'll never have. Our souls." She looked wistful, then stared at the carpeting.

Had Edward goaded her into talking to me?

I answered tentatively.

"But Rosalie, I don't know that I want all of those things—the children, the getting old, the dying."

"You may want your soul someday. You may find yourself wanting to move forward, rather than being stuck in this perpetual world of high school and pretending. Of course, there are things that are great about it, I'm not saying there's nothing worth considering. But I'm just never sure it's enough to offset the fact that I'll always be just this." She motioned to herself and dropped her hands to her side, her eyes sad. "Bella, if you realize you want more after you've already chosen…it's not like you can un-choose."

I nodded and gulped. I knew that, I'd always known that. But it was clearer lately, all the things I'd be walking away from.

She continued, "And you're leaving behind so much. Most of us, Esme, Edward, me, Emmett, we weren't going to make it anyway. Our lives were over. There were no messy explanations to family, or realistic regrets, because we were as good as dead when Carlisle found us. But you—you're different. You'll know you're saying goodbye. You'll know it's the last time you'll see your mother and your father and your friends. You'll forever know that you were the one who made the decision to take away your natural future and trade it for whatever this is. There will be no going back, and you will only have yourself to blame if you ever wish you could."

Only have myself to blame. No matter which I chose, I'd miss the other more than breathing. I'd break at least one heart. Probably two, if I could count mine. And I'd only have myself to blame. The story of my life.

**. . . . .**

I pulled up in front of my house and Jacob was standing on the steps. He had a single yellow rose in his hand, and he presented it to me as I met him in front of the door, my backpack heavy on my shoulders, my heart heavy in my chest.

I sighed, balking as I took the flower.

"Why are you fighting so hard for me even though he's already won?"

I knew this wasn't the reaction he was expecting, and his face fell before it became tight.

"He hasn't won, Bella. Not by a long shot. You're still you. And until you're one of them, he hasn't won."

I gritted my teeth and looked down at my shoes. Jacob had a point. While I was sort-of-secretly battling my head and heart over whether I'd truly chosen Edward, it was obvious that he hadn't truly chosen me yet. I was free to change my mind and he was free to change his until he changed me and tied us together forever.

Jacob stepped toward me and put his hand on my elbow. "Can't you see? I love you. I love you and I'm ready to tell everyone. Ready to make you mine. Now. I have no questions, no doubts. I know I'm perfect for you and you're perfect for me. Don't fight your feelings, Bella. Just admit that you love me."

I cleared my throat, ignoring his demand. "Why do you love me?"

He stood like a statue, his mouth slightly open and his eyes squinted in confusion.

"Why do you love me?" I repeated, slower.

"I'm so flawed. Such a mess. Everything about me is a total disaster. I'm not good enough for you, Jacob." My voice caught in my throat. "And definitely not good enough for you to waste your time chasing me when I've already given my heart away."

He grabbed both of my elbows, holding me uncomfortably tight and a little too close.

"What are you talking about?" His eyes were fiery and his voice was a near-growl.

"Nothing about you is a disaster. You're perfect. I love everything that's you, Bella. Your face, your voice, your sense of humor, your talent for cooking, your ability to trip on absolutely nothing. You're smart and beautiful and kind. I'd wait an eternity for you, even if you'd only give me an hour."

I shook my head and tried to pull to the side. His hands clamped down harder on my arms, and he pushed his face closer to mine.

"Don't tell me you've already given him your heart. You haven't—not totally. I can see it in your eyes. I can feel it. You thought he was the one, but your mind is changing. I still have a chance. I might even be winning." His eyes sparkled and the left side of his mouth ticked up.

Then his lips were on mine, crushing and soft at the same time. I tried to push back, but he didn't let me resist. I banged my fists against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and stopped me from fighting back. His breath came heavy and fast, his whole body pressing mine, one of his hands pulling roughly at the base of my ponytail.

And in that moment, it didn't make sense to fight anymore. My heart wanted this as much as he wanted me, and I relaxed into his chest. I parted my lips and his softened, becoming less angry and more avaricious. His arm loosened around me, slipping to my lower back, where his hand found its place on my hip. His other hand curled into the hair at the nape of my neck, guiding my movements. I slid my hands up his chest and rested them on the sides of his jaw, letting the moment absorb me.

Suddenly he pulled back. He kissed me lightly on the nose and smiled his crooked half-smile at me. Then, with a wink, he was off, jogging into the woods.

I was turning to go back into the house when Edward's car pulled around the corner.

I couldn't help but smile, grateful for Jacob's stealth. I tucked the rose in my bag, waved and greeted him as if I'd just gotten home.

Then we took our places at the kitchen table and studied until late.

It was only as I was tucking myself into bed that I realized Edward could surely have smelled Jacob's scent all over me the entire evening.

**. . . . .**


	24. Chapter 24

**. . . . .**

I jumped at the chance to get out of Forks—and out of my self-created mental prison—when Renee suggested I come out for a visit during spring break. She bought the tickets, I packed, kissed Edward goodbye, texted Jake to let him know I was leaving to avoid any temptation that might come with saying goodbye in person, and asked Charlie to drive me to the airport.

I watched the Washington fog disappear underneath the plane and slumped my head against the window. I took a few cleansing breaths and tried to leave the drama behind me.

Renee met me at the airport in Jacksonville, and I heard her before I saw her. She came running toward me, arms flailing, giggling and whooping. The impact of her slamming into me practically knocked us both to the floor, and she hugged me until I patted her back to signal that I couldn't breathe. When she let me go, she grabbed my forearms and skipped in a big circle, spinning me around a few times until I gasped that I was getting nauseous. People were staring, and a couple were pointing and laughing. I simultaneously died of embarrassment and welcomed the ecstatic greeting. There was no one in the world like my mother.

Phil was gone for the weekend, so it was just us girls for the first few days. Renee drove toward their new house, swerving in and out of traffic. She'd always driven too fast, but compared to Edward's driving, it felt like we were crawling.

"So, what do you say we go out for dinner? We can get all dressed up and splurge like crazy!" Renee was giddy to have me with her, and I was grinning ear to ear. I never realized how much I missed her until we were together. Of course, I wasn't too thrilled with dressing up, but she did make it sound like fun.

**. . . . .**

After gorging ourselves at her favorite Greek restaurant, Renee and I changed into our pajamas and lounged in the living room, letting our food settle. It felt so good to just be with her.

"So, Bella, show me some pictures or something. You promised you'd take some with the camera we got you for your birthday," Renee leaned across the middle of the couch and nodded excitedly.

"Um, sure. I did take some. Just a few. My laptop is in my bag—let me go and get it." I walked to my room—the guest room—and opened my bag. I started my computer and wondered why I hadn't thought ahead. I knew she'd ask to see pictures, and I should have picked through them and chosen some of the best ones. I briefly thought about flipping through them now, but Renee called to me.

"Hurry up, Bella! The ice cream is melting!"

I sat down next to her and she handed me one of the two spoons from the pint of Ben & Jerry's on the coffee table. I stuck the spoon in my mouth and loaded up a slideshow of my most recent photos.

"That's Alice and me on a hike, and that's Jasper in the background. And this is Edward and me at the beach."

"It doesn't really look like beach weather," Renee tilted the screen toward her, examining the photo.

"Mom, it's Forks." I rolled my eyes. "That day just happened to be sixty-eight degrees. It doesn't get much more like beach weather than that."

She laughed, remembering, and shoveled a huge spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. I flipped to the next photo, one of me and Charlie in front of the station, but Renee gasped and flopped back against the back cushion of the couch.

"Brain freeze!" She grabbed her temples, her eyes watering.

I laughed and hopped up. "I'll grab you some milk."

I was digging in the fridge when I heard her gasp again.

"Oh. My. God. Bella! Who is _this_?"

I shut my eyes. I knew exactly who she was talking about, and exactly which photo she was looking at. It was one I'd planned to skip right past. The one I'd had Leah snap when I'd gone with Jake and the pack to the beach. They were all surfing, and Jake had come over to hang out with me for a while and give Seth a chance to use his board. It was one of the nicest days we'd had all summer, and I was wearing a little pair of khaki shorts and a white tee-shirt. Jake had on his wetsuit, but had pulled the top down so his chest was bare. His left arm was hanging loosely over my shoulders and he'd looked down at me just as she snapped the shutter. We were both grinning widely into the sun. Next to my pale skin, he was even browner, and my tiny frame made his bulk look even more impressive. He looked like a model, a god.

I filled two glasses with milk and paused at the door to the living room. Renee was still staring at the photo. I thought I saw a glint of drool on her chin.

"That's Jacob. My best friend."

"Wow. I wish I had a best friend that looked like that. Does he have an older brother?"

I snorted. "No, but he does have a _dad_…"

She waved her hand at me, still staring at the photo.

"Next, please." I leaned past her and pushed the button. The frame flipped to a photo of me and Edward sitting in the Cullens' living room.

"Now wait one minute, missy. Tell me more about this Jacob character." Renee pushed the back button on the slideshow before taking the glass of milk from my hand.

"Mom, I told you. He's my best friend. He's Billy's son. You know Billy Black."

"Oh! I remember him! Then I guess I remember Jacob, too, from when you were little. You used to play with his sisters. I had no idea he'd grow up to look like this, or I would have pushed Charlie to make some kind of arranged marriage deal." She laughed, and I swatted at her.

"So, he's your best friend, huh?" She winked and curled up facing me on the couch. "Tell me more."

"There's really nothing to tell. We're just friends." But my scarlet cheeks gave me away.

"Uh huh." She raised her eyebrow and practically tackled me. "Come on! I'm your mother! You can tell me. You're not really 'just friends', are you?"

I looked away, but my eyes fell inadvertently to the laptop. Jacob's wide smile grinned back at me. My blush deepened. I didn't want to say anything more about it, but at the same time I had an overwhelming desire to spill to her the happenings of the last few months. I couldn't keep it bottled up inside any longer, and she seemed like the only safe person I could tell—she was so removed from the whole sordid situation.

"Ok, not always 'just friends'. Sometimes we're more than friends." My hands came up to my face and I tried to hide from Renee's stare. She started to giggle. "A lot more."

"I don't blame you, Bella. Look at him!" She gestured wildly at the computer. "He's gorgeous! So does that mean you and Edward are through? I don't remember you talking as much about him lately, but I also don't remember you saying you'd broken up."

I didn't answer her. I hoped she'd move on to something else, but I knew she wasn't going to let this go.

"So, basically, you're dating both of them." It wasn't a question.

I sighed, shut my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts. I knew this wasn't going to sound good any way I said it.

"Well, no. I mean… I—Edward is still my boyfriend. But it's complicated. I love him… I just—I just love Jake, too. I guess I always have. And when Edward… moved away for awhile, Jake and I got really close." I paused to take a breath then rushed to finish, already embarrassed that I'd said anything. "He just gets me, Mom. Nothing happened, at least not when Edward was gone. And then he and I got back together when he moved back. I didn't even have to think about it. We sort of, belong together or something. Then Dad grounded me from spending too much time with him—with Edward—so I was still spending a lot of time with Jake. One day, he kissed me. And it just felt right. And now… well, now sometimes we still kiss. But he knows I'm still with Edward. He—he just loves me. They both do. And I kind of… love both of them. I can't decide."

Renee was speechless for once. But she recovered quickly.

"Bella, honey, you're so young. You don't have to make any life-changing decisions right now. You don't have to rush to decide which one you love. Besides, it's rare for high school relationships to last forever, and there's a reason for that. You will change so much in the next few years—all of you will. But you can't string both of them along. You really should be honest about it, or someone's going to get hurt. Maybe all three of you, and it sounds like the last thing you want is to lose either of them."

I couldn't tell her that she was wrong—that over the next few years, Edward wouldn't change. And for the most part, Jacob wouldn't, either. Only I would change. And I was changing every minute—every minute was making me less and less like the me Edward fell in love with. And if I didn't make up my mind soon, it would be made up for me.

Instead, I just hung my head. "That's just it Mom, I can't lose either of them. They're both too important. I can't live without them. How am I supposed to make up my mind?"

Renee patted my arm.

"Honey, the first time I made up my mind, I was far too young. Your dad is an amazing man; he always was. I wasn't wrong for choosing him, I was just wrong for choosing him when I did. We were much too young to make a decision that big—we still had so much growing and changing to do on our own, that it was impossible for us to grow and change together. It was so hard to watch that first love fall apart, and even harder to split up our family. I'll never forgive myself for breaking Charlie's heart and for taking you away from him."

She choked up and grabbed me in an awkward bear hug.

She sniffed slightly and composed herself. "I was lucky and got a second chance, and this time I was old enough and wise enough to choose someone who was perfect for me right where I'm at. And the best part is, we're settled and stable enough as individuals that we're stable as a couple. I know what my strengths and weaknesses are, and what Phil's are, and we complement each other. We are done changing in the big ways, and we'll be able to change together over the years in all the small ways. I'm really happy now, Bella, and that's something I never could have been with Charlie because I didn't know who I was or what I needed when I was with him. It wasn't fair to have rushed into marriage even though we both thought we wanted it at the time. And it was doubly unfair of us to have a child and put you through that with us. I can't bear seeing you make that same mistake."

I watched her face contort as she poured out her heart to me. Every word rang true. I knew she was right. I'd promised Edward forever, but it was a promise I was too young and naive to make. I promised my love, and I did love him—except that I could only promise him everything I had from my limited view. Every day, every week I learned and grew. Changed. Not just older, but stronger. Better.

It was suddenly clear to me that what I was experiencing was like that first grade-school crush that seems so perfect and heart-wrenching. It seems like love. Until you get your first real boyfriend, and _that_ seems like love. And when it ends, you think you're going to die. But then you meet someone new, and your definition of love changes, and you realize that what you thought was love was only a shadow of what it can really be. At the time, you weren't wrong to say that what you were feeling was love—but only because what you were feeling was the strongest emotion, the closest thing to love you'd experienced so far.

Suddenly, I wondered if I'd really loved Edward at all, or if it was just a feeling I'd mistaken for love because of my imperfect and limited experience.

**. . . . .**


	25. Chapter 25

**. . . . .**

From the day Edward revealed to me what he was, I'd known he wouldn't age. That he'd stay perfect, flawless, young—forever. So it wasn't a surprise to me that he never physically changed. And, of course, it wasn't a surprise to me that I did. That I could look back at photos of myself from a year, a month before and see changes that I couldn't see day-to-day. But they were still there. My face had matured; now, I looked like a grown-up version of the girl I was when I first met him.

But what I hadn't expected was that I'd change in ways that would separate us in a completely different sense.

Sure, Edward was still able to change. Change his mind, change his hair, change where and how he lived.

He could learn new things, have new experiences and make different choices about his endless future. But he was slow to change, and it seemed to me that all he saw and did and learned simply reinforced who he already was, what he already wanted and the path he was already on.

It wasn't so simple for me. I hadn't lived for a hundred years. There was so much more I had to learn about myself and about the world. Maybe it was because I was mortal, or just because I was a true romantic at heart, but I found myself afraid that even more than my love for Jacob, it was this weakness—this changing I had no choice in—that would finally pull us apart.

I wanted to talk to someone, wanted to ask for advice. But who was there to turn to? Normally, I'd talk to a friend or my mom. But none of them could know the whole story—what Edward was, what Jacob was, the real and final implications of my decision—so their advice wouldn't be too useful. I wished I could talk to Alice, but it seemed that her conflict of interest would prevent her from really listening, and the chance that Edward would hear our conversation through her thoughts was more than I could bear.

So I decided to confide in Emily. I figured that she would be a semi-neutral source. Sure, she'd be on Jacob's side, but she was rational and kind enough to hear what I was saying.

**. . . . .**

The lights were on in Sam and Emily's kitchen, and I could smell something baking as I walked up the front steps.

I could also hear the raucous laughter of the pack.

I balked at the door, but Embry saw me and waved before I could make a quiet getaway. The group of boys turned around from their seats at the table, and Jacob jumped up to open the door for me.

"Bells!" He wrapped me in a hug and swung me in a half-circle so my back was to the room.

The guys snickered and Jacob's cheeks flushed.

"Are you blushing?" I teased, patting his cheek playfully.

He shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pocket, his eyes on the floor. Emily laughed and came out from behind the counter.

"To what do we owe this surprise visit?" She hugged me and then pointed to what had been Jake's chair. "Have a seat. Cookies are almost ready."

I fumbled for words, wishing I had called first. But Jake grabbed my shoulders and steered me forward to the table.

I sank down into the chair and he dragged a barstool over from the counter and settled in next to me. He draped his arm over the back of my chair, his fingertips lightly grazing my shoulder. Every time his skin touched my shirt, I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I could smell his soft scent mingling with the smell of dryer sheets, and I unconsciously leaned back to press his hand to my shoulder. In return, he leaned forward and breathed in the scent of my hair. I blushed and pulled away slightly. This wasn't exactly what I came for.

Trying to avoid distraction, I laughed along with the guys, chiming in from time to time and enjoying their company. It always surprised me that I fit in so well in Jacob's world.

Finally, as night was falling, Sam stood up and stretched.

"Ok, guys. Time for patrols."

The pack groaned in one single voice, and several of them grabbed for one more cookie before pushing back their chairs.

Jacob stood, his hand on my shoulder. He squeezed it gently once and then followed Sam out the door without a word, letting his fingers do the talking by brushing across the back of my neck.

"So what's going on, Bella?" Emily smiled at me knowingly in the fresh silence, her hands folded on the table.

I looked down and collected my thoughts. My heart slowed its pounding and I was able to concentrate on what I'd come for.

"I'm stuck, Emily. Just stuck."

"Between a vampire and a werewolf?" She grinned, but I knew she wasn't making fun of me.

"Ugh—yes. Why is love so hard?"

Emily reached across the table and patted my hands.

"Because we wouldn't value it so much if it were easy. It broke my heart when Sam told me he'd imprinted on me. I was grateful for his love, but I knew what it was doing to Leah, and what it would do in turn to Leah's and my friendship. I couldn't turn away from him, but there were many times I wanted to. I wanted it to be simple, you know?"

I nodded.

"But it wasn't. It couldn't be. So we fought through it together, and we became stronger because of it. If it had been easy, I don't think I would have learned so much about myself or Sam. I don't know that I'd trust him the same way. Or love him the same way, really. It was the struggling through it that proved to us that we wanted to be together—that we were good enough for each other."

My eyes met hers and I knew that Emily understood me and my situation like no one else could. Sure, she'd been on the other side of the equation with Sam; she'd been one of the two he'd had to choose between and the one he'd ultimately chosen. But she'd been through it, the same thing I was going through with Edward and Jacob. She knew, she understood and she cared.

I put my head down on the table and whimpered, feeling sorry for myself.

"The end result is better than I could have ever hoped for, and I'm sure the end for you will be the same. But I know that doesn't mean much in the moment. You just have to hold on and be strong."

"But Emily, Sam knew to choose you. The choice was made for him and he knew it was the right one. It's not like that for me. I have to make this choice without any help, and they're both so different. My life will be completely different depending on which one I pick. How do I know who is the right one? How do I know which _life_ is the right one for me?"

Emily took a deep breath and looked out her kitchen window toward the woods.

"You know whom I wish you would choose, and you know how much they both want you to choose them. But you're the only one who can decide what's right for you, Bella." She took my hands in hers. "I'm not great at giving advice, but I do know this—you'll never go wrong choosing what makes you truly happy and fits whom you really are."

"That makes sense. But what if who I am changes depending on whom I'm with? I mean, I feel like one person when I'm with Edward and with someone entirely different with Jacob. What if I don't know who I am all by myself?"

She nodded. "Maybe you just need to take a break from both of them to find out who you are when you're not worried about fitting in or pleasing them."

**. . . . .**

So take a break is exactly what I did. I told Edward I needed some space, some time to think. I told Jacob the same thing. I stepped back, stopped making and taking phone calls and text messages, stopped going to the places I knew they'd be. I sat by Edward in classes as usual, but I didn't do more than make small talk like I would with anyone I sat next to.

As lonely as it was, it was also refreshing.

I read, wrote, daydreamed. I sang in my truck, walked in the rain and baked up a storm for Charlie. Before I knew it, two weeks had passed. Sure, I missed my boys. But I realized that I'd been missing me, too. Every waking moment and most of my sleeping ones were spent thinking about, worrying about, dreaming about, trying to please and trying to decide between Edward and Jacob.

I was no closer to figuring out which one I should choose, but it was becoming increasingly—and refreshingly—clear to me that I didn't _need_ to choose either of them. Even if both of them ended up being the wrong choice, I'd be fine on my own.

**. . . . .**


	26. Chapter 26

**. . . . .**

It was a beautiful day and I had slept in late yet again. The night had been warm, so I'd left my window open. The birds finally woke me at quarter to eleven. Charlie had left a note that he'd gone fishing with Harry Clearwater, so I let the shower run much longer than he would have allowed. The steam was thick and cloud-like, and my voice echoed off of the shower walls as I sang.

I shaved my legs, deep conditioned my hair, let a thick mud mask sit on my face and soaped up twice with raspberry body wash.

I wrapped my hair in a towel and tied another around me, securing just under my arms. I padded back to my room, humming my favorite song. This was going to be another good day spent doing whatever I wanted. I smiled, enjoying the third week of my selfish foray into singledom.

Before I stepped through the open door, I saw it.

A huge bouquet of flowers on my desk. Fragrant and spilling over the massive vase, they covered the entire top of my desk, crowding out books and papers.

I peeked into the room, half expecting to see Edward or Jacob. But I was alone. The window was still open, and I wondered how either of them had managed to get in with the bouquet.

A tiny white envelope rested next to a huge orange-red lily, and I picked it up. The note inside was written in a script I didn't recognize.

_I miss you._

I squinted at the card again, turning it over in my hand.

No signature, no identifying mark. The florist must have written the message, so the handwriting was no clue at all.

Which one had brought them? Whom should I thank? To whom should I definitely not mention them? And how did I even feel about one of them dropping in on me despite my requests to be left alone with my thoughts?

I sighed and sat down on the edge of my bed, the card still in my hand. The breeze blew in through the window, warm and soft. I half-wished whoever had brought the flowers would pop back through the window to take the credit, and simultaneously half-regretted that this was a clear signal that my me-time had probably extended too long. I tipped back onto my bed and pulled the towel off of my head.

I closed my eyes and tried to imagine which of my admirers had been so thoughtful and intrusive.

**. . . . .**

I heard a tap at the window and I sat up quickly, realizing I was still only wearing my bath towel.

Edward smiled in at me, perched half-in, half-out.

"Sorry to disturb you. I thought I was supposed to come over to work on the persuasive speech, but no one answered the door… so I came up here, and saw you. I wasn't sure if you were sleeping or not." He fumbled for words, not sure if I'd be mad at him for the intrusion.

I tugged at the bottom edge of the towel, pulling it a half-inch lower on my thigh and pretending that was modest enough. Edward was my boyfriend, after all.

"I'm not sure, either," I smiled. "There was such a nice breeze coming in the window…"

My eyes traveled over to the mass of flowers. He wasn't looking at them, and I wasn't sure if that was because he'd already seen them—and delivered them—or because he knew they'd come from Jacob.

"Um, why don't you come in? I'll get dressed and meet you in the kitchen."

He unfurled his long legs, stepping into my room. He started to walk toward me, then balked. I didn't reach for him, and he changed direction and moved toward the door. "See you in a few minutes."

I sunk down on the bed after he'd shut the door behind him. I wished that I was happier to see him, but I'd seen him in school during our break, so maybe it wasn't all that strange that my heart just didn't leap like it used to. And, I decided, I was sort of disappointed that my self-vacation was at an end. I knew it was time to come back to the real world and make some grown up decisions, but I wasn't quite ready for my me-time to end.

I slung my book bag down on the floor of the kitchen and dropped into the chair. Edward must have stashed his backpack on the front step, because he already had all of our persuasive speech resources spread out on the table.

We tried to focus on the task at hand, but there were too many unsaid words. Edward broke the tension by grabbing for my hand.

"Bella, listen, I'm not upset about you taking some time for yourself, you know that—right? You can always take all the time you need with me."

I sighed and set down my pen.

"I know, Edward. It's just been so hard to explain… all of these feelings." I looked up at him, and saw the hurt in his eyes. "It's nothing you've done or haven't done. I'm just struggling right now with everything. It's like… like I'm not quite ready to grow up and make these decisions yet, but I know that it's time."

"What are you saying?" His tone was careful and I could tell he was looking a bit to my left rather than straight at me. I was glad for the reprieve. I could barely meet his glance.

"I'm not sure, Edward. I mean, I know it's time for me to stop avoiding you. And Jake. It's time to face up to what I've done and how I feel. The problem is…"

He took an unnecessary breath to steady himself.

"The problem is that I just don't know how I feel."

"Wasn't this break supposed to help you with that?" He looked hurt and somewhat surprised. I wondered if that was because I hadn't yet made up my mind, or because I wasn't breaking up with him on the spot.

"Yeah, it was. And it did, I guess." I paused, not sure how to say it. And then I just did. "It made me realize that I don't really need either of you."

Edward's eyes jolted back to mine. "Either of us?"

"No. I'm fine on my own. I can survive without you to protect me. I can breathe without Jacob there as a safety blanket. I don't get lost on my way to or home from school if I don't have a chaperone. I think it's taught me that I'm better on my own than I thought I was. And that was a lesson I needed to learn. After James, and then Victoria and the whole newborns thing, I think I'd become afraid of my own shadow. It took a little bit of alone time to realize that I'm strong and capable."

Edward smiled and nodded, but his eyes stayed tight. "You are strong and capable, Bella. But don't be foolish. There are so many dangers out there, and you're not exactly disaster-resistant."

I knew what he meant, but this was exactly the kind of thing I'd liked being away from during the past three weeks. His constant patronizing and sophistic reasoning: that I was a danger to myself and needed protection. It was true, in a way, but I was also independent and competent. I wasn't a child, but Edward seemed to always see me as one.

**. . . . .**

Jacob, on the other hand, didn't require a big explanation of me. He was simply thrilled to see me when I poked my head in the door of his garage.

"Bells!" He was ecstatic and practically tripped over a box of motorcycle parts in his hurry to reach me.

I laughed and reached to steady him. "Wow! I go away for a couple of weeks and you become infected with my clumsy-disease."

He laughed and pulled me in for a tight hug.

"So, was it the flowers that made you decide to break your fast?" He gave me the crooked smile that always melted my heart and my resolve, and any trace of annoyance about the intrusion dissolved.

"Were those from you?" I smiled up at him, and realized I'd unconsciously batted my eyelashes.

"Yeah," he backed away a little and shrugged. "I wasn't sure if you'd be mad, but I really missed you and wanted you to know."

"But you didn't put your name on them…"

He smiled again and looked at the floor. "I was kind of hoping that if you were mad you'd think they were from Cullen."

I laughed and lightly punched his arm; he grabbed my hand and spun me toward him, enveloping me again next to his warm chest.

"Let's not ever be apart for that long again, ok?"

I grinned and took a long, deep breath of him. "Ok."

**. . . . .**


	27. Chapter 27

**. . . . .**

Renee hadn't set foot in Forks since she walked out on Charlie all those years ago. So when she showed up on our front step that Sunday morning, it took me a moment to reconcile the face I saw in front of me and the place where we stood.

"M-Mom?"

I flung myself into her arms, and we both struggled to stay standing.

Her laughter echoed in my ears, and I held on for dear life.

"Bella! I thought you'd be surprised!"

"What are you doing here? I thought—I didn't think you'd ever come back here."

"Well, I'm not moving in or anything, so don't get too excited," she giggled and swayed me back and forth in her arms. "Phil had a game in Seattle this weekend, and Charlie and I thought it might make sense for me to come and visit since I was going to be so close. I never get to see my own daughter, for crying out loud."

I backed up and she kissed my cheeks. I wasn't sure if I should give her a tour or not—this used to be her house, after all.

I settled for giving her a quick tour of my room. She admired my photos, poured over my overflowing bulletin board and sat on the edge of my bed. It was so weird to have her here.

"So, this is where the magic happens?" She laughed and I blushed slightly, grateful for the dimming light. I knew what she meant—homework, life—but all I could picture was me and Edward curled up on the bed… and me and Jacob kissing by the window.

**. . . . .**

Charlie and Renee thought it would be a good idea to go out for dinner rather than eat in, since I was the cook in the family and they didn't want to make more work for me.

I was grateful for the break as we filed into the small café in downtown Forks.

I'd convinced them to let me invite Edward so Renee could spend some time with him, and even though he'd lightly objected at first, citing the fact that he didn't eat, he'd acquiesced and was walking with me hand-in-hand.

They'd reserved the large booth for us, and we slid in—Charlie, Renee, me, Edward. It almost seemed like old times, except for the tall boy next to me. I squeezed his hand and he pulled me closer.

Charlie flagged down the waitress and told her we'd need settings for six.

My ears perked up. "Six?"

Charlie nodded at me just as Billy Black wheeled through the café door, Jake giving his chair a boost over the threshold.

"Billy and Renee used to be friends back in the day," he told me. "I thought they might want to catch up a little."

I felt Edward stiffen beside me. Jacob's nose flared, but he smiled at us and waved as if nothing was wrong.

Renee kicked me under the table, then leaned in and whispered a little too loudly.

"He's gorgeous! Bella! I thought that was just a really good picture!"

She slapped at my arm lightly, and I nervously shrugged it off. I knew Edward had heard her, but he didn't acknowledge it.

Charlie waved and called out to them. "Billy! Jake! Welcome. We saved a couple of seats for you."

"Well, I appreciate the gesture, but I brought my own." Billy laughed and pulled his chair up next to Charlie at the front of the table; the two of them mock-punched each other's shoulders. Jake nervously eyed the open seat next to Edward.

Instead, Renee nudged me over and patted the seat between us.

"I haven't seen you since you were two, Jacob. Crawl over here and sit by me!"

She giggled like a schoolgirl and I winced, remembering her giddy reaction during the slideshow at her house. I was worried about what she'd say, and I was suddenly sorry I had confided in her about my conundrum. She wasn't exactly a good secret keeper, I'd just never expected her to show up here where she could blow my cover.

Edward stepped out of his seat to let Jacob past, seemingly relieved that he wouldn't have to sit by him during dinner. I pushed back into the booth bench as Jacob climbed over me and plopped down next to my mom, her arms around him like he was an old friend. I listened to her giggling and squealing, and blushed for her when I noticed that her left hand stayed on his bicep. My mother, the perpetual teenager.

Jacob's thigh was burning mine through my jeans. I couldn't be sure he was making our legs touch on purpose, but he certainly wasn't making any effort not to. On my left side, Edward's leg was pressing into mine, leaving me half-hot, half-cold.

Trapped between them mentally and physically, I tried to ignore my pounding heart and eat my veggie burger.

Edward was shuffling his food around on his plate so it wasn't obvious that he wasn't eating. Jacob had finished his plate and was making no secret of stealing French fries off of mine. I briefly thought about trying to switch their plates, but knew I couldn't do it sneakily enough.

I watched my mom, Charlie and Billy laughing and sharing stories. The awkwardness was gone, and I was thankful that my parents got along so well despite their difficult past.

It gave me hope for whatever decision I was going to have to make in the future. If my parents could be friends after all the drama they'd been through, I could certainly stay friends with Jacob. _Or Edward._ I shook my head to clear the idea, and reminded myself that I'd made up my mind.

"So, Edward. Have you chosen a college yet?"

Renee's eyes lit up and she reached across Jacob's broad shoulders to pat my back.

"Well, I've submitted applications to several universities, but I haven't heard back yet."

"Oh, well, where have you applied?"

"Um, Harvard and Yale are my top choices, but I've also applied to several specialty schools in a few different fields I'm considering."

"Oh!" Renee lamely tried to hide her surprise. "Well, your parents must certainly be proud. I imagine you must be doing very well in school to even consider those universities."

"I do ok. I must admit that it's a little challenging this year—Bella is a bit distracting."

Renee giggled. Jacob rolled his eyes.

I blushed furiously and stared at Edward, agape. He chuckled and squeezed my knee under the table.

"So, do you three hang out together often?" Renee's question was answered by uncomfortable silence. Even Charlie and Billy stopped their joking to listen for our answer. Both Edward and Jacob turned in their seats to look at me. I gulped.

"Uh, sure. Sometimes. But, um, Jacob goes to a different school. So… just… sometimes."

"Oh, I get it." Renee nodded and winked at me. I widened my eyes at her, trying to warn her to stop, but sure she wouldn't get the message.

Was she trying to embarrass me?

And it would only get worse.

"Well, Jacob. Any love interests at your school?"

He chuckled and pressed his knee into mine. I tried to move my leg, but I was wedged between him and Edward and couldn't get away.

"Naw. I don't have time for that kind of stuff. You heard Edward—girls are distracting. My grades are bad enough that I shouldn't look for more distractions."

Renee laughed, then elbowed him slyly. "I'm sure there's someone special on your radar."

"Well, I won't lie. There is someone. But she's sort of… taken. For now."

Edward cleared his throat and put his arm around me. I didn't object, and instead shot a glare at Jacob. He winked and smiled smugly at me before turning back to my mom.

"Classy, Jake," I muttered warningly under my breath, knowing he could hear.

He reached under the table and squeezed my knee, teasing. I grabbed a tiny piece of skin on his forearm and pinched, twisting the finger-full of skin until he pulled his arm back to safety.

Then, just in time, Charlie and Billy started reminiscing about something that had happened one summer when they were young, and Renee's attention was diverted. I was left to pretend the last ten minutes hadn't happened. Jake and Edward glared at each other past me, and I could hear each of them lightly rumbling. I rolled my eyes and worked on finishing my last few bites of burger. It tasted like cardboard.

"Well, thanks, you guys, for coming out to visit," Charlie rose from the booth and helped push Billy out the door. Renee followed; and Jake, Edward and I lingered until last. Edward pulled my hand into his jealously, and Jacob intentionally stood a little too close for comfort.

At the car, Renee leaned down to hug Billy and gave Jacob a kiss on the cheek.

"Take care of my girl," she smiled, winking.

Jacob nodded and looked past her to me. "Always will."

After they'd pulled away, Charlie invited Edward over to our house to talk with us a while, but he made an excuse about having to get home to help Esme with something. I knew he was just worried about playing an impromptu game of 20-questions with my mom. He'd dodged the college question easily enough, but leave it to Renee to come up with something harder to deflect.

Instead, he shook Billy's hand, hugged Renee and kissed me on the forehead before getting into his car.

I waved to him as he drove away, but I wasn't sure he saw me.

**. . . . .**

The next morning, I opened my eyes to the sound of laughter in the kitchen.

Renee, Charlie and… was that Jacob?

I sat up, wiped the sleep out of my eyes and threw on something clean. I pulled my hair into a ponytail, hoping it wasn't obvious I hadn't yet washed it, and powdered my nose before running down the stairs.

Sure enough, my parents and Jacob were sitting around the kitchen table. Renee and Charlie had coffee mugs in hand, Jacob was drinking a tall glass of milk. They were snacking on chocolate muffins from the local grocery store. Renee was giggling wildly about something, and Charlie was patting Jacob on the back.

I felt like I'd walked into a made-for-Bella episode of The Twilight Zone.

I stood in the doorway for a minute before anyone noticed me. Then Renee jumped up, bowling me over with a huge hug.

"Honey! Jacob was just telling us about the time you and his friends were on the beach and the big wave practically pulled you out to sea." She snorted a little, and I saw Jacob grinning widely behind her. "It's a good thing he's around to protect you!"

"Wow. Thanks, Black." I threw Jacob a glance, and he chuckled. "No secret's safe with you, huh?"

"Your mom misses so many of your exciting experiences, living so far away." He grinned innocently, and then not-so-innocently raised his eyebrows at me. I blushed a shade darker.

"Um, yeah. I was kind of hoping she could forget what a threat I am to myself …" I laughed along, gamely. If they were all going to make fun of me, the least I could do was go along with it.

Jacob popped up from his chair and slid over next to Renee, leaving an open seat for me. He patted the back of it. I filled a mug with coffee, added a splash of milk and sat down.

Jacob asked Renee about Jacksonville, and I watched the three of them while she regaled us with stories about her new life, traveling with Phil and living in a place where the sun actually shone.

It warmed me to see just how well Jake fit in with my entire family. How simple it was for him to just blend into my life. Which reminded me once again that, no matter how hard he tried, Edward would never be able to be part of our family. And if I chose him, neither would I.

I hadn't thought about it in such concrete terms before, and the sudden realization made me sad. If I chose Jake, this would be my life. Visiting Renee, sitting down to coffee with Charlie. Dinners with family. Family vacations and joyful reunions. Relationships that I'd always had, still a part of my life.

If I chose Edward, if I stuck to the path I was on, I'd have none of this.

As if on cue, Jacob stretched out his long legs and tucked his right leg under mine, pressing his shin to my calf. I looked at him and he winked at me, sending a flurry of butterflies ricocheting around in my stomach.

**. . . . .**

After Jacob had left and Charlie had gone to work, Renee and I reclined on a blanket in the backyard. It was a rare sunny day, so we were making the most of it. She was leaving later that evening for Seattle so she could fly back to Jacksonville with Phil.

"You're different with him, you know?" She peered over at me

"Him?" I kept my eyes closed to the sun, willing the conversation to be over.

"Jake."

"Oh." _Could I dare hope this is where it would end?_

"Yes. I've seen you with Edward on two different occasions, and twice now with Jake, and you seem to be a lot happier—a lot more you—with Jake. Care to confirm if I'm correct?"

I stayed quiet, pretending to be asleep. She wouldn't give up, and poked me mercilessly until I gave up trying to ignore her.

"Well, he brings out the good in me. He makes me happy. So, no, you're not wrong. But Edward is my boyfriend. What Jake and I have is different."

Renee nodded slowly, and I could tell she wasn't convinced.

I sighed and rolled over on the blanket, burying my face in the soft folds of fabric.

"Fine. I'm in love with them both." My words were muffled. Not muffled enough. I rushed through the rest of my thought. "I can't decide which one I want to be with. But I'm leaning toward Jake."

Saying that out loud was easier than I'd expected, and I sat up again to face Renee. She was grinning.

"I could tell."

"You could tell? How?" I was confused and a little frustrated. Why was I the last one to know what I was feeling? I stuttered, grasping for the right words. "I mean, I just came to that conclusion right now. How could you tell if I didn't even know?"

"Mother's intuition?" She winked. "Well, maybe just that you light up around Jake. You're so serious with Edward; maybe too serious. Like you're expecting something to happen all the time. With Jake, you laugh. You tease. You come alive."

**. . . . .**


	28. Chapter 28

**. . . . .**

"So Bella, are you coming? To prom?" Quil's eyes were shining and he was grinning ear-to-ear.

I stared dumbly.

"Jesus, Quil!" Jake hollered from across the yard, running in our direction. "Shut up, man!"

"Oh, my bad. Sorry, Bella." He ducked and took off toward the house.

Jake got to me as the screen door slammed, his hands in his hair. "I'm sorry. Quil is an idiot…"

He looked guilty and nervous. I was still staring.

"I, uh, I wasn't really going to ask you," Jake shifted his weight from foot to foot, he wouldn't make eye contact with me.

He was totally going to ask me.

"But since Quil brought it up…" his eyes traveled up to mine, a shy smile on his face. I blushed and stammered something unintelligible.

He put his hands up and I stopped trying to talk. "Listen, I know," his hands came down gently on my shoulders. "You don't dance. I don't really, either. So maybe we could… not dance together?"

I gulped. I had no answer.

Jake sensed my hesitation and kept talking, trying to change my mind before I officially said no.

"So, you don't have to answer me now. Just think about it. You have a week to decide." He smiled sheepishly.

"A _week_?" I squeaked at him. I didn't know which I wanted to do more—laugh or cry.

"Um, yeah." He looked as awkward as I felt. "I meant to ask you for a while, I just… I kept wussing out."

"I don't know, Jake. I mean, wow. Prom. I, um, I barely made it through _my_ prom alive. I…" I saw him look down and it made me instantly sad. I took a deep breath and gulped. "I'll think about it. Can I call you tomorrow? I want to give you time to ask someone else in case _I_ wuss out."

I tried to laugh, but it came out nervous and shrill.

"You know he won't ask anyone else. He's been dying to ask you for months!" Neither of us had heard Quil make a reappearance. "Come on, Bella. Just come! It will be fun. I'll even save you a dance."

Jake spun out after him with a whoop, and I took the opportunity to climb into my truck. I had to get out of there. There was no way I was giving this day a chance to get any weirder.

**. . . . .**

The next day at school, Edward was smiley and sweet. I didn't want to let Jake down, but I didn't want to have to ask Edward if I could go to prom with another guy. I'd put up such a fight about letting him take me to our prom, I had a feeling it wouldn't look too good if I suddenly wanted to dress up and play prom with his arch enemy.

But Edward took care of the problem for me.

"I hope it doesn't mess up any plans you'd made for this weekend, but Emmett and I are going to go up to Canada to hunt. His birthday's coming up, and he wanted to hunt some grizzlies to celebrate. I kind of forgot until now."

I sighed—unsure if it was in relief or terror that I had no excuse to hide behind—and threw myself into his arms.

"I love you."

**. . . . .**

"Um, Angela?" I cornered her at her locker later that afternoon. "Can I ask a huge favor?"

She smiled at me and pulled out a pile of books. "Sure, Bella. Anything!"

"So, I… um, I'm going to… a party this weekend. And I have nothing to wear. Would you let me borrow a dress?"

Angela looked as surprised as I'd expected her to be.

"A dress? This must be some fancy party…" She trailed off, encouraging me to fill in the intentional gaps in my story.

"Um, yeah. I guess. It's… well, it's a prom. My friend Jacob. He, uh, he didn't have a date?" It sounded more like a question than a statement. I blushed and looked at my feet.

"Jacob? Oh! The really hot one from La Push? Oh my god, Bella! That's awesome!" She hopped up and down twice and grabbed my wrists. "I'd practically die to have someone like him ask me to a dance!"

I looked around nervously, hoping no one else was seeing her giddy display.

"Yeah, I guess. Look, I don't really want… anyone to know I'm doing this. You know, for… just—I just don't." I bit my lip and fidgeted as she calmed down instantly and nodded conspiratorially.

"Come over today after school? You can have anything in my closet. And I won't tell anybody, don't worry. Not even Jessica. _Especially_ not Jessica." She giggled.

The rest of the day dragged by and I tried to picture myself dressed up and going to prom. Again. Ugh.

**. . . . .**

I knocked on Angela's front door after school. Her mom opened it and beckoned me in, and I waved and smiled to Edward, blew him a kiss as I stepped inside. I felt guilty lying to him—he thought we were doing a group assignment for a class.

"Hi, Bella. Angela's upstairs. Go on up, she's expecting you." Angela's mom was so kind. I thanked her and ran up the stairs, wanting to get it over with as fast as I could.

Angela had her walk-in closet wide open and several dresses were spread out on her bed and hung on the closet door. She'd also pulled out a stack of shoeboxes and a plastic bin full of hair accessories.

I took in a big gulp of air. "Angela?" It sounded more like a squeak. There was so much wrong here, I couldn't even start to think about the possible ramifications of what I was doing.

"Hey! I'm in here!" Her muffled voice echoed from inside the closet. "I've been setting out a few things I thought you might like."

She was way too excited about this, almost on an Alice-like level. I took another deep breath and told myself I'd at least try to look happy for her benefit.

Five dresses later, she was splayed out on her bed, clapping and _ooohing_ and _aaahing_.

I came out of the closet-slash-dressing room and her face lit up. "That's totally it!" She squealed, diving off of the bed and wrapping me in an exuberant hug, my arms pinned to my side. "You look like a goddess!"

She shut the closet door so I could see myself in the full-length mirror hanging on the back. I gasped when I saw myself. I _did_ look like a goddess.

The dress was a deep silver-grey with a draping cowl neck and tiny twisted straps attached by vintage-looking rhinestone brooches. The dress came together just above my hips emphasizing my waist, and the top poofed slightly over a thin belt accented with a third rhinestone brooch that lay off-center at my hipbone. The fitted skirt pooled at my feet because Angela was taller than me, but the effect was dramatic.

Angela dragged me backwards toward her bed, and she climbed up on it and pulled my hair up on top of my head in a messy pile, securing it with a couple of bobby pins and letting a few loose strands straggle around my face. She took a tiny tiara-like headband out of a bag and stuck it into my hair.

"Perfect!" She squealed. "Oh my god, Bella! A little red lipstick and you'll be beyond perfect!"

I smiled at my reflection. Maybe this wouldn't be so terrible after all.

**. . . . .**

The week flew by, and before I knew it, it was Friday afternoon and Edward was kissing me goodbye in front of my house.

I stood on my front step and watched him pull away, then I tore through the front door and up the stairs. I had two hours before Jake picked me up.

I hesitated in the shower, holding my razor in my hand. I wasn't sure if I should shave or not. I'd just shaved that morning. Was it silly to do it again? If I did, what did that say about my expectations for the evening? If I didn't—did that limit my options? Or make up my mind for me? I shook my head and shook the shaving cream can. Just in case.

_In case of what?_

I tried to ignore my inner voice.

**. . . . .**

Charlie's face said it all. Jacob said nothing, he just stared at me with his mouth open wide. He was speechless, and I didn't know what to do. I paused awkwardly in the middle of the staircase. This was the strangest déjà vu moment I'd ever experienced.

Charlie broke the silence by clearing his throat, a sound which seemed to bring Jake back to his senses enough to utter one word.

"_Wow." _

It was mostly a sigh. I blushed a burning red and came down the stairs to stand between Charlie and Jake.

"You look pretty _wow_ yourself, Black." I tried to make it sound off-hand and punched at his shoulder gamely, trying to detract from his _wow_, but Charlie was still staring at him uncomfortably.

"Ok. Let's go." I grabbed his arm and hauled him toward the door, kissing Charlie on the cheek before shutting the door behind us.

On the other side of the door, I turned to him and poked a finger into his stomach. "Jeez, Jake! It's just me!"

He smiled sheepishly and reached for my face, before dropping his hand to his side. "It's never 'just' you, Bella. You look amazing. Amazing."

The last word was close to a whisper, and this time, he did put his hand to my face, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"I'm wearing makeup, so maybe don't touch the artwork," I giggled shyly and swatted at his hand.

"Oh, this is for you." He held out a wrist corsage in his other hand, a beautiful white lily. "It reminded me of you. You know, all pale and fragile and stuff."

I laughed, glad he'd finally snapped out of his trance.

He motioned toward the driveway, and I saw that he'd borrowed Sue Clearwater's new car.

He saw my face and started to explain. "I couldn't have my amazing, beautiful, perfect date get her dress all wrinkly and dusty in that old Rabbit of mine."

"But I could have…"

He cut me off with a laugh. "And I sure as hell wasn't letting _you_ drive."

I lifted the long dress up so I wouldn't step on it, and he looked down at my feet.

"Um, Bella? You forgot your shoes."

I laughed and kicked out one bare foot. "I have a hard enough time walking without adding heels to the mix. Besides, I'm so hot in this dress, I thought it was a good thing to try and at least stay a little grounded."

Jake chuckled and shook his head, then opened my car door for me with a flourish. "My lady."

I slid into the leather seat. "You turned on the seat warmer?"

He winked and shut my door.

**. . . . .**

I'd never been inside the school on the rez, and Jake warned me that Forks High was probably nicer. But he was wrong. The gym was new and spacious, and the decorating committee had turned it into a sparkling wonderland.

Jake marched me in on his arm, his chest puffed out with pride. I grinned and swept along beside him, all hint of nerves gone. This was his night, and I was going to do him proud.

"Bella! You came!" Quil elbowed through the crowd and skidded to a stop in front of us. "Holy wow!"

He nodded at Jake and gave him a double thumbs-up. "Nice work, Jake. She's the hottest woman here."

I felt my face get warm, and I bit my lip and looked at Jake.

He was beaming smugly at Quil. "Was there any doubt?"

Quil laughed and dipped back into the crowd, beckoning us to follow him. Jake pushed along after him, clearing a path for me. Straight to the center of the dance floor. I balked, but the look on Jake's face made me remember my commitment to making him happy, even if I had to pretend not to be nervous.

The music changed, and couples went from hopping up and down to the beat to slowly swaying. Jake smiled and reached for me, pulling me closer.

"You planned this, didn't you?" I giggled. "The timing is just a little too convenient."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around my waist. I tucked my head against his shoulder and took a deep breath in. He smelled divine—like fresh air and rain.

**. . . . .**

It was almost midnight, but I wasn't ready to leave. I was having too much fun dancing with Jake, his friends and all of the new people I'd met. The pressure of maintaining appearances wasn't there, since I only knew the guys from the pack and a few of their dates, so I felt free to dance without worrying I'd make a fool of myself. The music was still going strong and I had energy to burn, but Jacob checked the time on his phone and then pulled me gently out of the gym. He lifted me into his arms at the edge of the sidewalk so I wouldn't have to walk on the gravel parking lot, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him just under his ear.

He set me down and opened the car door, then helped me scoot in so Angela's dress didn't get wrinkled. He bent down, kissed my forehead and shut the door.

But before we got back into town, Jake pulled onto a partially-hidden dirt road. He smiled over at me, but didn't answer my question about where we were going.

Up ahead, I could see lights through the clearing, and I realized I'd been here before. It was the back entrance to Billy's property, and the lights were coming from Jake's shop. I looked at him sideways, and he was still grinning widely, staring straight ahead.

He parked behind the shop and helped me out of the car, again picking me up to save my feet. He pushed open the back door and paused. The shop was dimly lit with white Christmas lights strung up over the center beam. He'd draped a pretty white slipcover over the old couch and moved it to the center of the room. In front of it, the low worktable was covered in a white tablecloth and topped with candles and covered trays.

"Jake?" I wasn't sure what was going on.

"I thought maybe you'd be hungry after the dance. Quil and Embry were taking their dates to an all-night café in Port Angeles, but I thought you might be up for some quiet time…" He suddenly looked unsure.

"That sounds great—it's really thoughtful of you, Jake. It's so pretty in here!"

He walked me over and motioned for me to sit on the couch, and then lifted the covers from the trays, one at a time. "I had Emily cater in for us, and she just set it up, so everything should be perfect."

The food looked amazing. Spinach and feta-filled puffed pastry, a cheese and fruit platter, and a plate of French bread with flavored oils sat alongside a huge spinach salad sprinkled with cranberries and goat cheese. The perfectly-plated ravioli in an herbed butter sauce smelled delicious, and my stomach rumbled loudly in approval. It was enough food for the entire pack.

Jacob laughed as his stomach echoed mine. "I'm starving!" He patted his belly with one hand and reached for a plate with the other, handing it to me. "Ladies first."

The food was incredible, and Jake's forethought touched me. Leave it to Jacob to be outside the mold when it came to romance. I blushed at the thought of all he'd put into this night. Edward was always a gentleman, but this was above and beyond. I liked that Jake made up for in thoughtfulness and ingenuity what he lacked in finances and contacts. Our dates were never pricey, but they always touched a place deep in my heart. _Our dates._ I wasn't sure that was the right word.

**. . . . .**

I giggled as Jacob tried to stuff a chocolate-covered strawberry into my mouth. I'd gorged myself on the appetizers, butternut squash ravioli and salad, and even managed to pack in a giant piece of homemade tiramisu, and now I was bursting.

"God, Jake! I think I'll pop if I eat another bite," I moaned theatrically, flopping back against the couch with my hand over my forehead to emphasize how exhausted I was from eating. "This was incredible—I wish I could sit here the entire weekend and just eat!"

"Be my guest. I won't tell anyone you're here. Heck, I can bring out a cooler and microwave and we can go to town!" He laughed and bit into the strawberry I'd declined.

I watched his lips envelope the red berry and I couldn't resist. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd leaned forward and weaved my fingers through his hair. He swallowed his bite in one gulp and was staring at me, wide-eyed.

I didn't think twice, just leaned in and pressed my lips to his.

"Now who tastes like strawberries?" I licked his bottom lip.

He laughed and pulled me over to his lap, kissing along my cheek to my ear. "Hey, I just said you smelled like strawberries. You never really gave me the chance to see if you tasted like them, too. At least, until now!"

He playfully lunged toward me and the strap of Angela's dress slipped off my shoulder. He paused slightly and raised an eyebrow at me. I raised mine back teasingly and shrugged so that the strap slid even lower. He licked his lips and slowly made his way in, nibbling on the soft skin of my shoulder until I giggled and flopped back into his arms, giving him free reign.

We sat like that for a long while, snuggling and kissing, just being together. When the candles got too low, Jake sighed and stood up without discussion, carrying me back out the door, into the car and dropping me off at my doorstep with a soft kiss.

"Goodnight, Bella." His eyes were warm and happy.

""Night, Jake."

**. . . . .**

I shrugged out of the dress, washed my face and tied my hair up in a ponytail. I snuggled into bed as the first rays of sun were showing in the sky. I couldn't have imagined a more perfect night.

**. . . . .**


	29. Chapter 29

**. . . . .**

"Alice, do you still see me? I mean, see me like… you?"

I'd been trying to muscle up the courage to ask her that question for days. Settled in on the couch with her, I knew I had to ask now or I'd lose the nerve again.

Her eyes snapped up to mine, and she looked frightened, like a child caught with something they weren't supposed to have.

"Bella, you know Edward said I can't talk to you about that." Her words were careful.

I rolled my eyes and tried again.

"I know, Alice. But I have to know the answer. Do you still see me like you? Changed?"

She watched me for a minute, then looked stealthily toward the living room where Emmett and Edward were playing chess. I didn't know why she bothered—Edward's super-hearing and mind-reading abilities could get past her attempts to be quiet if he really wanted to hear what she was telling me. Her hands stretched across the table toward mine, and she leaned in closely.

"Bella—sometimes I can, and it's just like it's always been. I see us all together, happy. Forever. But sometimes, I can't. Sometimes I can't see you at all." Her eyes fell. "That's been happening more and more lately."

I nodded slowly. I knew exactly why.

**. . . . .**

"We'll see you tonight!" Emmett clapped me a little too hard on the back as he ran out of the cafeteria after Rosalie.

"Tonight?" I looked at Edward. "I wasn't supposed to come over, was I?" I had promised Jake I'd do something with him—had I double-booked myself?

"Oh—you aren't coming, Bella?" Alice looked confused. "I thought we were all going to…"

Edward held up his hand, silencing her.

I glared at Edward, and looked past him to Alice. "Going to what?"

Edward ignored my question. "It doesn't matter, Alice. Bella's busy tonight."

"I kind of already had plans," I repeated hesitantly, struggling to come up with something believable. "But it wasn't anything important. Just—well, Charlie has been bugging me to spend time with other people. He thinks Edward and I spend too much time together." I blushed. "But if you're all doing, it's different."

"It's no problem, Bella. We can get together some other time." Alice's disappointment clouded her face.

"No, it's fine. I'll just—I'll just change my... mind." I shook my head and reached for my phone.

"But maybe you'd rather go with Jacob. I mean, I don't have any permanent claim on you." Edward reached down and touched my cheek, speaking softly. "You can choose differently, Bella. You don't have to choose me."

He wasn't just talking about tonight, that was obvious. My anger flared. This was too much.

"Edward, stop trying to push me away or make my mind up for me. This is _my_ decision."

He looked at me and then down to the table. "Yes. Yes, it is."

His voice sounded hollow.

Jasper jumped up suddenly, knocking his chair over backwards. He stared at Edward for a long minute and then practically stomped out of the cafeteria.

Alice looked after him, then glared at Edward before running after Jasper.

Edward didn't say anything else, and I stared at my half-eaten sandwich until the bell rang.

**. . . . .**

The guys were going to a movie, and Jake called, begging me to come along when I told him I didn't think I was up for anything after all.

"Everyone has a date but me, Bells. You have to come with me," he pleaded.

I looked at the pile of books and papers on my desk. I had several projects due the next week and I'd planned to hit them hard all weekend so my week wasn't so stressful. I gripped the phone and tried to put up a fight. Jake was hearing none of it.

Twenty minutes later, I heard the Rabbit grumble up the street and I dashed out the door before Jake could even park.

He pushed my car door open without even having to lean over, and he kissed my cheek gently when I climbed in. "You smell amazing, Bells. You always smell amazing."

"Like strawberries?" I elbowed him lightly and buckled my seat belt. "We're gonna be late."

We met Quil, Embry, Sam, Emily, Jared and Paul outside the theater. I looked at Jake and shook my head. "_Everyone_ has a date but you, huh?" He tried to look innocent and shrugged. I snickered as he wrapped his arms around me and dragged me into the building.

**. . . . .**

I couldn't concentrate on the movie—not when I had my own romantic drama playing out in real life. Why did it always look so easy on the big screen?

I thought about Edward and wondered what the Cullens had planned that I was missing out on. I found it strange that Edward hadn't invited me. Unless he knew I'd want time to do something else. But I realized I didn't feel bad about not being with them, and I wondered what that said about me.

Moments from the last few months spun through my head and I tried to see if there was a clear pattern I could identify. Had I already made up my mind and just didn't know it?

I looked away from the movie screen and down to Jacob's lap where our fingers were intertwined comfortably. White on brown, brown on white. His hand was twice the size of mine and twice as warm. He looked over at me through dark lashes; caught me looking at our hands. He leaned toward me, brushed his nose against my cheek and inhaled deeply. His full lips pressed softly at my jaw line. My stomach flipped and I looked back up at the screen.

I knew I couldn't let this continue. I also knew I wasn't strong enough to break it off. It was too perfect.

We were too perfect.

**. . . . .**


	30. Chapter 30

**. . . . .**

He'd come through the window an hour or so before. Soft, hot and smelling of the forest. I'd pulled back the corner of my blankets and he'd crawled in next to me without a word, his bare chest burning through my sheer camisole. His hands on me, my mouth on his. Our bodies pushing and touching and moving silently in the dark.

Completely oblivious to everything except the feeling of skin on skin, we reveled in each other.

We didn't hear Charlie open my door.

"Bella!"

His angry voice shattered our world of two.

I sat up abruptly, yanking the blanket up and over my almost-bare body, my hair and eyes wild. Jacob scrambled out of bed and to his feet, his head bowed before Charlie and the bedspread awkwardly gathered around him for modesty's sake.

No one spoke for too long, and I couldn't bear to raise my eyes from the bed.

Finally, Charlie broke the silence.

"Both of you get some clothes on and meet me in the kitchen. Now."

His words were cold and bitter. He left the door open and I heard him stomp down the stairs.

Jacob looked at me, his eyes wide and filled with terror. "Oh, god Bella. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."

"No, it's not. I let you in, I let you stay. I wanted you here."

"Now!" Charlie's voice thundered upstairs, as loud as if he were in the room with us, and I jumped out of bed. I grabbed a sweatshirt and pulled a pair of pajama pants over my sleep shorts. Jacob had dropped the blanket and was tugging his jean shorts on over his boxer briefs. I dug in my bottom drawer and pulled out one of his tee-shirts that I'd worn home and kept. He gratefully pulled it over his head and stepped out the door in front of me, ready to shield me from Charlie's anger.

Anger was too sweet a word.

Charlie was beyond anger.

I'd never seen him so livid. His eyes were red and hard, his voice like a stone and shaking at random times, divulging his struggle to control his emotions.

"Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?" He looked first at me, then at Jacob. I stuttered something unintelligible and then stopped, unsure.

Jacob took a deep breath and answered, "Chief Swan, I have no excuse…"

"You're right you have no excuse, young man. There is no excuse for anyone to be in my daughter's room—in my daughter's bed—at two in the morning. Ever." His eyes blazed and he dug his fingers into the kitchen chair in front of him until his knuckles were white.

Tears stung my eyes, but I didn't dare cry. "Dad, it's my fault. I asked Jacob to come over."

Jake cut me off with a warm hand to my shoulder. He stepped toward Charlie. "That's not true, sir. I came over on my own. This was all me."

Charlie looked between us. "How did you get into Bella's room?"

"The window." Jacob's voice was low but steady. "I came in through the window."

"The window?" Charlie was incredulous.

"Yes, sir."

"And does this happen often?"

Neither of us spoke. Finally, Jacob answered.

"No sir, just a few times before."

Charlie set his jaw and shook his head, then he turned his wrath on me. "Young lady, this is completely inappropriate. You aren't supposed to have boys in your room with the door closed, to say nothing of having a boy in your room, in your bed, with the door closed in the middle of the night. Do you know what your mother would do right about now? She'd kill me, and then she'd kill you. I don't even know what she'd do to him." He jabbed his thumb toward Jacob, who flinched.

"I don't know what's going on here, Bella. I thought you had a boyfriend—one I don't much care for, to be honest—and the next thing I know, you're sneaking around with a boy I thought was just your friend. A friend I could trust to keep you out of trouble." He stared pointedly at Jacob, then turned back to me. "It's as though you're going out of your way to defy me in every way possible. I—I just don't know what to do with you anymore. You run off with no explanation, scare me half to death with a months-long bout of depression, then suddenly you're back to the Bella I know, except it's like you're trying to lose my trust. I think I have to chaperone you with Edward and I ground you from spending every waking moment with him, and then I find you with Jacob doing god-knows-what under my own roof while I'm sleeping. What am I supposed to do here, Bella?"

I was struggling with an answer that made sense when I heard Jacob take a deep breath.

"Chief Swan, may I speak?" He sounded formal, confident, in-charge. I gulped.

"Chief Swan, sir, I'm sorry for all of this. I don't have an explanation that makes sense. But it made sense to me, to us, at the time. I love Bella. I'm in love with her, and I always have been. And I think she loves me, too. I'd never do anything to hurt her, I'm only—"

Charlie smashed his fist down on the table. "'Never do anything to hurt her'? Yet somehow you think it's appropriate to climb into her window at night, get her half-naked and roll around in bed with her under her father's roof? You're right; your explanation doesn't make sense. It's ridiculous. If you really loved her, you'd do right by her. You'd respect her and you'd respect me and my rules. And son, I don't want to doubt my daughter or say anything negative about her, but if she loved you, would she be running around with you in secret while she's still someone else's girlfriend? How does _that_ make sense?"

I was speechless. Embarrassed. Horrified. Guilty-as-charged.

Jacob stared hard at Charlie, then he turned for the door without looking at me. Charlie's words stopped him, but he didn't turn around. I watched his profile as Charlie doled out his punishment.

"Jacob, you can guarantee I'll be calling Billy about this in the morning. I'll let him decide what to do with you. But as for myself, you're not welcome in my home until I tell you you are. And frankly, I haven't come to a decision on what to do with Bella yet. But until I decide differently, I don't want you to have any contact with her. Any. Ever. Not on the phone, not in person, not by text message or email or through friends or any of the other ways you kids talk. None. Is that clear?"

Jacob shut his eyes and nodded once. Then he was gone.

**. . . . .**


	31. Chapter 31

**. . . . .**

I hadn't seen Jake in three-and-a-half weeks. I was starving for him—to see him, to hear him, to smell him, to feel his arms around me.

I'd tried to cover up the loneliness with Edward, but I knew he could tell something was off. He sensed my sadness and distraction, and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he knew it was about Jacob. I hadn't told him about our Charlie-imposed time apart for obvious reasons, but he hadn't asked about Jake's noticeable absence. I was sure Alice had told him something or that he'd read Jacob's or Charlie's thoughts. I shuddered to think that he knew the details of that wonderful-horrible night.

Charlie hadn't spoken about it since his angry tirade in the kitchen, but his silence was almost worse than any punishment he could mete out. Besides, what could he come up with that was any worse than what he'd originally decreed—that Jacob was no longer welcome in our house and we weren't allowed to have any kind of contact. It seemed that I'd be banned from Jacob for life.

So now, nearly a full month later, I was almost crazy with needing to see him but couldn't see how or when that would happen.

Jessica, Angela and I had driven into Port Angeles after school to shop for something to wear to Lauren's birthday party. I was standing near the window of a store, thumbing through a rack of skirts when I saw them.

A pack of tall, muscular, brown boys with matching short haircuts. And standing a head taller than the rest of them was my Jacob. I sucked in my breath and my heart thudded. I knew it was wrong, but I had to see him.

"Um, I—I forgot my wallet in the car," I half-shouted to Jessica across the rows of expensive clothes. "I'll be right back."

I practically ran for the door and she laughed, calling out to me. "Don't you need the car keys?"

"Oh, right. Thanks."

I turned to get the keys from her and she eyed my purse.

"Did you take your wallet out in the car? Or…?"

"Yeah." I nodded and grabbed the key ring, pushing out the door before she could ask any more questions.

I stepped off of the curb and headed the direction opposite of the car, angling for the street I'd seen the pack on. I looked around for anyone I recognized, and ran into the street.

"Embry! Quil!" I flagged them down just before they disappeared into the arcade. "Wait up!"

"Bella!" They waved to me and stepped forward, meeting me as I dodged through oncoming traffic.

"That's a little dangerous, especially for you, don't you think?" Quil snickered.

"Yeah," Embry added. "I think you of all people should use the crosswalk, Bella."

"Ha, ha." I deadpanned, scanning the building behind them, hoping to see Jake through the window. "Is Jake with you?" I was out of breath, but I wasn't sure if that was because of my sprint or the prospect of seeing him.

They exchanged looks.

"Um, Bella, I thought you two were grounded from each other." Quil looked worried. "But you can always hang out with me if you're lonely. You know—" He hinted, laughing.

"Ugh. Gross." I laughed, pushing him away and still watching for Jake out of the corner of my eye.

And then I saw him, looking at me from behind the glass. He stepped to the door, hesitating.

I couldn't wait. I pushed past the guys, through the door and into his arms. My mouth covered his, and he kissed me back, roughly, greedily. His hands dug into my lower back, a little too low for decency's sake. The pack hooted and cat-called. I was too glad to be with him to be embarrassed.

"Uh, Bella, let's go outside," Jake broke free, took my hand and pulled me out of the crowd of staring boys. "Perverts," he laughed.

He dragged me around the corner into the alley between the arcade and the store next door and pressed me up against the wall. My hands feverishly raked over his chest and back, and I let my fingers wind into his hair while I tasted his lips.

"I missed you so much!" My mouth was full of his, so it came out muffled.

Jake chuckled and lowered his head, nibbling at my neck, his hands in my hair and all over my body at once. His mouth traveled to my ear, and he sucked gently at my earlobe, his hands twisting at the nape of my neck. I groaned with pleasure and tilted my hips into his, grabbing the waist of his jeans and pulling him close.

"Oh. My. God." Jessica stared, wide-eyed. Angela's mouth hung open, and her shopping bag dropped out of her left hand and thudded on the sidewalk beside her.

Jacob let go of me and backed up a step.

I wiped lip gloss off of my chin and smiled guiltily at them. "Ok, so I didn't forget my wallet in the car."

**. . . . .**

"What the hell was that?" Jessica practically screamed at me as soon as we'd piled into her car. I couldn't tell if she was angry, ecstatic or just hysterical.

"_That_ was Jacob," I said. But the voice in my head said, _That was love._

"He took her to his prom!" Angela burst with excitement.

"Ang!" I hollered.

She looked down, ashamed. "Sorry. I couldn't keep it a secret anymore."

Jessica twisted around in the seat, and both of them stared at me while I squirmed.

"He is so freaking hot! What is he, like your boyfriend now?" Jessica shouted, much too loudly for the tiny enclosed space.

"And what about Edward?"

Leave it to Angela to bring up Edward.

I sighed and stared back, unsure of how to answer either question.

"Come on, Bella," Jessica pleaded. "We need some answers here! We followed you because we saw you surrounded by guys, and face it, since that whole motorcycle-thug incident, I'm a little nervous to leave you by yourself. Then we see this big guy pull you into the alley. I'm glad we didn't find you raped or dead or anything, but that might have been a little less shocking than finding you kissing him. And he's gorgeous!"

"Yeah, he is. He's my best friend. Or at least he was. I don't know what's going on with us lately, though." I balked. I wasn't much for girl-talk or kissing and telling. "It's just, well, I like him. And Edward. I can't make up my mind."

I hung my head in shame. This was way too personal.

"So, you're like—dating both of them? At the same time?" Jessica's voice hit a new octave. "Oh my god, Bella, you're like, my hero!"

Angela shook her head and Jessica's lack of tact. "And they're ok with that?"

I stuttered. "Well, Jacob knows I'm dating Edward. I know he'd rather I choose him, but he knows… how it is with me and Edward. And Edward—well, he knows Jake and I are friends. But he doesn't know we're more than that now. At least, I mean, well, I—I haven't told him. But he may have guessed. It's been going on a while. And, well… Edward's pretty good at—at reading people. He's probably… seen right through Jacob."

Jessica giggled and clapped her hands. "It's like, you're dating two of the hottest guys I've ever seen. At the same time! So like, you have Edward because he's mysterious and sexy and totally gorgeous. And you have Jake, who's like, the tall, dark, handsome one. He looks like he's a really good kisser—is he a good kisser?" Her sentences and words smashed into each other like a freeway crash.

"Um, yeah." I half-giggled and nodded, a little out of breath just thinking about Jacob's kisses. "But you guys can't tell anyone. And you can't even tell anyone that you saw us together, today or at all."

They looked at me questioningly.

Angela tipped her head, "Sure, we won't. But if Edward already knows about Jacob…"

"No, it's not just that. I mean, it's that, sure. Obviously. But it's… it's more complicated," I didn't know how I was going to explain this, it just couldn't get back to Charlie that I'd seen Jacob. That I'd made out with Jacob in an alley in Port Angeles in broad daylight, in public, when I wasn't even supposed to be communicating with him. "It's that, well, Jacob and I are grounded from seeing each other for… ever."

"Ok, now you really have to explain." Jessica was practically crawling over the driver's seat to get to me. "This is waaaaay too juicy to stay a secret!"

I sighed and shut my eyes. "It's… my dad caught us." I couldn't say any more. It was too mortifying.

"_Caught_ you?" Angela looked suspicious.

"Aaaah! Fine. Yes, caught us. Caught us making out in my bed in the middle of the night." I smashed my fists up to my eyes while the girls squealed. I thought my eardrums were going to rupture.

"In bed in the middle of the night?" Jessica was hitting notes that I was certain could break glass.

"Yeah. It was humiliating." I shook my head, remembering the look on Charlie's face, the rush of heat to my cheeks.

"Were you, like, _doing it_?" Jessica was wide-eyed and awestruck. "Your dad walked in on you two _doing it_?"

"No, not doing it. And we weren't going to do it. We haven't done it. I've never done it. But… but we weren't wearing a lot of clothing and it totally didn't look good." I started to giggle. I wasn't sure if it was nerves or what, but suddenly the whole thing struck me funny. I couldn't stop laughing. My shoulders shook and tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. I gasped, "I thought my dad was going to blow a gasket. It was horrible. I've never wanted to die so much in my whole life."

Jessica and Angela started giggling, too, and soon the three of us were laughing hysterically. Tears were running down our cheeks, we were grabbing our stomachs and gasping for breath.

"Wow, Bella," Jessica managed to compose herself enough to speak. "And here I thought you were a goody-goody," she mocked, teasingly.

"Hardly," I bantered back. "I don't know too many goody-goodies who get caught by their dads cheating on their boyfriends in bed in their underpants with their really hot best friend who's wearing only boxer briefs."

Angela giggled some more, and Jessica's jaw dropped again.

"He was wearing only boxer briefs? God, Bella. How on earth do you strip that totally perfect specimen of manhood down to his underwear and manage to _not_ do it? I mean, I'd do it with him right now in that alley if he'd let me see him without his shirt on," she swooned hyperbolically, sending me and Angela into another fit of giggles.

Angela managed to choke out the word, "Hussy!" And the three of us exploded, shrieking and squealing.

**. . . . .**

Charlie poked his head out the door when I got home, and he didn't try to hide the fact that he was checking out who was in the car. I groaned and gathered my bags together. Jessica waved and winked at Charlie, and Angela collapsed into a fit of laughter.

I snorted and tried to retain my composure, but my control was tenuous. I headed into the house with their laughter echoing behind me.

"Sounds like you guys had a… fun time," Charlie smirked at me as I dropped my bags on the bottom step.

"Yeah, it was good to have some girl time. Even if it was shopping." I stuck out my tongue.

"I ran into Billy today," Charlie stopped short and I tried not to look guilty.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Strangely enough, he said Jacob and the guys were in Port Angeles this afternoon."

I couldn't tell if he was accusing or asking, so I acted as nonchalant as I could.

"Huh. Well unless they were shopping at girly boutiques, I guess we were running in separate circles. Besides, Jessica and Angela had this trip planned for two weeks. And I haven't been allowed to communicate with Jacob or any of his friends for a month, so…" I shrugged and hoped my cheeks wouldn't give me away.

"I know, Bella. You've been very good about all this. I've been surprised you haven't tried to change my mind or bring it up."

I sighed and sat on the edge of the couch. It appeared we were going to finally have the talk I'd been dreading. But Charlie made it quick and easy.

"Listen, Bella, I still don't like what happened. It was wrong in so many ways. But you're a good kid, and so is Jake. I don't know what's going on with you guys, or what's going on with you and that Cullen kid, but I remember what it was like to be young. And I bear some of the responsibility here. I sort of pushed you into spending more time with Jake, and I didn't watch you two as closely as I should have because I know and trust him. _Trusted_ him."

He corrected his statement with a wry smile, then reached out and put his hand on my knee. "I just want to be sure you're being smart… and safe. I just don't want you getting hurt, or doing things you'll regret. So as of today, I'm ungrounding you. But I am going to ask you to be very, very careful with how you handle things and the messages you're sending to those guys. All guys. I don't want boys in your room at all, or over at the house when I'm not here, period. Not even outside. And I expect you to tell me where you're going and who you'll be with before you go anywhere. No more monkey business."

"No more monkey business, Dad, I promise."

**. . . . .**

Forty minutes later, I was in Jacob's shop, pinned under him on the couch, our shirts and jeans in a pile on the floor, the new lock on the door engaged and the shop heater blazing away.

"No more monkey business," I echoed to him, shaking my finger and doing my best Charlie impression.

He laughed. Then his hands came down and tucked under my thighs, lifting my hips into his. He ground his pelvis into me, pushing his tongue over and across mine. I moaned into his mouth, raking my nails over his back and down into the waistband of his boxer briefs to the smooth skin underneath. I let my fingers trail around the sides, the front of him, working slowly down to feel his hipbones beneath the soft fabric. I felt him react, taking in a sharp breath as I deepened our kiss and eased my fingers lower.

He let go of me, pushing himself up slightly so we both could breathe. I brought my hands up to his chest.

"Bella, what Charlie said that night… he's right, you know."

I sucked in a hot breath of air. This wasn't exactly the conversation I'd hoped to have on our first afternoon back together, especially as well as it had been going the last fifteen minutes or so.

"It's something we need to talk about." His eyes met mine, and I knew he saw the guilt there. "It's not fair to him, and you shouldn't be stuck in between us. And I'm mostly bringing this up right now because I won't go any further than this with you while you belong to someone else. I shouldn't be going this far with you—hell, I shouldn't have even kissed you while you were still his."

His eyes clenched and he let out a wracking sigh. "And god, Bella, I want to go further. You have no idea. I want you so badly."

He pushed his hips into mine again for emphasis.

Then he smiled lightly and kissed down my chest. He slowly slid over my bra straps so he could get at my collarbones. His hand traveled lower and tucked inside the dark blue material. His eyes closed again, dazedly this time, and he moaned quietly. I shivered and arched up to press into him.

I knew I'd need to make up my mind sooner rather than later. I was tired of being torn in two, tired of hiding and feeling guilty, and tired of waiting to be Jacob's—all Jacob's.

The realization shocked me and I gasped with surprise and pleasure.

**. . . . .**


	32. Chapter 32

**. . . . .**

I sat in the meadow with Edward, my hands pressed between his. We were sitting cross-legged, facing each other.

I knew what I had to do, what I had to say. But I didn't know how.

How do you tell a person you love that you are making the choice to not love them like that anymore? That you're choosing someone else instead of them?

Edward smiled at me, and I saw in his eyes that he knew.

"Bella, it's ok." His voice was gentle.

"No, Edward, it's not. I made a promise and now I'm not going to keep it." I looked down at our hands. Mine were shaking; Edward's hands were steadying them. "I'm going to break your heart."

I couldn't speak louder than a whisper. I felt like I was choking.

His words were kind. "Bella, all I want is for you to be happy. As happy as you can be, and I want that for you regardless if it's with or without me. I'd do whatever it takes to make that happen"

"But I don't want to be without you—I love you." I whimpered, unable to look him in the eye.

"You don't love me enough to marry me. And that's ok, Bella. You have a life to live, and you deserve to live it your way—whether or not I'm in it. All's fair in love and war, Bella. I won your love, but I lost the war. That's the way it goes sometimes."

I leaned toward him and pressed my lips to his. He put his hands on either side of my face, letting our lips linger.

Then he pulled away and smiled. His face was blurry through my tears.

**. . . . .**

I pulled into the Blacks' driveway. The light was on in Jacob's shop, and it spilled across the gravel lot. I could hear his radio through my open window.

I turned the key and flipped off the headlights, leaned back against the seat and shut my eyes.

This was it. I was making my choice.

I took a deep breath, grabbed the handle and opened the truck door. My feet planted into the dirt and I slammed the door, remembering how it was this old truck that rekindled our relationship after all those years between childhood and now.

The gravel crunched under my feet as I walked to the garage. I knew I should be nervous, but everything about this just felt right.

I reached the garage door and paused. Steeled myself for what I had to say.

"Hey, Jake."

I stepped in toward my future and shut the door behind me.

**. . . . .**

The end


	33. Chapter 33  Epilogue

**. . . . .**

"That's enough Jasper," Alice whispered. "It's done. I can't see her anymore—she's decided on Jacob."

Jasper turned his head slowly. His job was finished, and he felt empty and useless. And something else, something stronger. Bitterness, maybe. Or bitterly sad for what he'd done. He looked at Alice. Her face was twisted, and he half-expected to see tears running down her cheeks even though he knew that was impossible.

"I don't think Edward will ever forgive me." He shook his head.

"You were only doing what he asked you to do," Alice insisted. "He knew Bella had to make this decision—the one she eventually would have made anyway—before she talked herself into keeping her promise to Edward."

Jasper's eyes stayed down. Alice patted his arm, then put her hands on his chin, gently turning his face to hers. "Jasper, he knew it was better for her to choose Jacob now rather than spend an eternity regretting that she hadn't. But she had to do it on her own. He couldn't force her, and he wasn't strong enough to leave her again, so you had to help her. I know it doesn't make it easier for you, but we're still a family. He'll come around. I see it."

**. . . . .**

"_It's done."_ Edward heard Alice's words, and he put his head between his hands. He sighed, let go and knew it was right. _All's fair in love._

**. . . . .**

_fin_**  
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><p><strong>AN:  
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**Thanks for reading, guys. I'd love your feedback. Love? Hate? Kind words? Flames? Please let me know what you thought.  
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